21–30 of 43 posts
Young guys, you're doing it wrong, but as an old fogey, I'm not complaining.
Flexing these types of social muscles can be an amazing experience. One of my biggest confidence boosters came from asking out a woman whom I'd just met, and then getting turned down. We were at a pet store, and happened to chat briefly about our dogs. I asked if she'd like to grab coffee, and she said she had a boyfriend. We chatted a bit more about our dogs, and went our separate ways. It was amazing to see that th…
One thing I've learned in life is a situation is only weird if you make it weird.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
All that "bullshit" she puts you through is probably her way of trying to figure out if you're someone she could have a relationship with or just another dickhead trying to get laid.
Some guys end up putting their everything (money, reputation, efforts and huge time) and still don't get anything meaningful out of it.
Relationships are not a one-way street or a vending machine. You can't expect to just pump in a bunch of time and money and for the product to automatically come popping out.
There has to be some chemistry between the two of you... the other person has to actually like you. That takes more than effort, money or time. It takes developing a genuine connection, which in turn usually requires an emotional investment, an opening up to the other person, having shared values, a shared view of the world, perhaps even a sense of humor that the other person finds funny, and so on.
Unless, of course, you're just looking to get laid.. in which case a sex worker might be a better use of your money.
A lot of those relationships weren't terribly emotionally intimate. I married my best friend. But a lot of marriages were never like that.
Now, women want careers. Juggling two careers is hard. Fewer women want children.
If you are both going to work and support yourself, then the primary thing you want from a "relationship" is sex.
I mean, I'm 52. I'm not the hookup type. I had a long marriage. I'm not easy to get next to.
But this idea that both people will have serious careers and also a deep, intimate relationship and also also kids...
There's only 24 hours in the day. That's not a very realistic expectation for most people.
In that context, hookup culture makes sense. All our fairy tale ending stories are posited on an old fashioned marriage where she's a full time wife and he provides for her. If that isn't your mental model, if you expect some other basis for your life, well, that has knock off effects that it's gauche to talk about because people don't like looking at marriage as a kind of financial contract. But that's what it is.
Maybe because of age (I'm 35) or culture (I'm in Asian country), but I don't get it. To get laid, you need to go through the process of dating: Ask her out, lots of "bullshit" (a matter on perspective), spend time and money, and if you're lucky, you'll get laid. Maybe what she meant is "in serious relationship"?
Maybe because of age (I'm 35) or culture (I'm in Asian country), but I don't get it. To get laid, you need to go through the process of dating: Ask her out, lots of "bullshit" (a matter on perspective), spend time and money, and if you're lucky, you'll get laid. Maybe what she meant is "in serious relationship"?
No, the article is quite explicit about there being a significant population who are getting laid but have never ever been on a first date with a (relative) stranger before that. "hookup culture has become so dominant on college campuses"; what you said used to be true but now is not. It's plausible that some couple might start with a hookup and get laid, and only later start going on dates as they form a serious rel…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Some guys end up putting their everything (money, reputation, efforts and huge time) and still don't get anything meaningful out of it.
"Some guys end up putting their everything (money, reputation, efforts and huge time) and still don't get anything meaningful out of it." Relationships are not a one-way street or a vending machine. You can't expect to just pump in a bunch of time and money and for the product to automatically come popping out. There has to be some chemistry between the two of you... the other person has to actually like you. That ta…
Every woman I pursued ended up costing me $1M. There was all chemistry at the start but soon it disappeared.
Disappearing love is correlated money transfer from me to them.
I've stopped looking for any love. I've accepted does not exist in real world.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
"Some guys end up putting their everything (money, reputation, efforts and huge time) and still don't get anything meaningful out of it." Relationships are not a one-way street or a vending machine. You can't expect to just pump in a bunch of time and money and for the product to automatically come popping out. There has to be some chemistry between the two of you... the other person has to actually like you. That ta…
"There has to be some chemistry between the two of you... the other person has to actually like you. That takes more than effort, money or time." Every woman I pursued ended up costing me $1M. There was all chemistry at the start but soon it disappeared. Disappearing love is correlated money transfer from me to them. I've stopped looking for any love. I've accepted does not exist in real world.
Being poor, I don't have that problem. If someone likes me, I can be pretty sure they're not after my money.. because I don't have any.
That said, with or without money, relationships can start out good and turn sour for many reasons completely unrelated to money. When relationships start, we're often putting on our best face, and the people we're dating only see the positive side of us (and we of them). After a while, unless we have outstanding acting ability (and usually some kind of pathology which keeps us from being genuine with our loved ones), we start to show our true selves to each other.. and we (or they) might not like what we see.
That's when relationships can easily fall apart -- especially if both people aren't mature enough to recognize that most relationships require hard work to keep them going in the long run, and aren't committed to doing that work. Communication is especially important at this stage.
What am I doing wrong? How can I do better? What do I want out of this relationship? At a fundamental level, are we really compatible?
These are questions we have to ask ourselves and each other, but most people are really bad at communicating -- especially with people close to themselves, with people who they feel vulnerable to and who they don't want to hurt.... until they can't take it anymore and things blow up.. but by then it's usually too late to make amends.
So, yeah, if things are going wrong for you over and over, and if you or the people you're dating are falling in to recognizable patterns, you might want to start by asking yourself some tough questions.. perhaps with the help of a good therapist. Negative relationship patterns are one of the things a good therapist could really help you to break out of -- in more constructive ways than just giving up.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
"There has to be some chemistry between the two of you... the other person has to actually like you. That takes more than effort, money or time." Every woman I pursued ended up costing me $1M. There was all chemistry at the start but soon it disappeared. Disappearing love is correlated money transfer from me to them. I've stopped looking for any love. I've accepted does not exist in real world.
There are definitely way too many people (men and women) who are just after money. One of the downsides of being rich is that those kind of people tend to sniff you out and come after whatever they can leech off of you. Being poor, I don't have that problem. If someone likes me, I can be pretty sure they're not after my money.. because I don't have any. That said, with or without money, relationships can start out go…
There is always someone who can have less than you. I have seen plenty of homeless people used for their money by someone claiming romantic interest, usually women.
When I was a homeless woman, I knew a homeless guy who had fantasies I would provide for him in exchange for sex. Yeah, no.
I did the homemaker thing and supported my husband's career. It cost me a career. Time is money as they say. I'm divorced and I am still struggling to make ends meet.
I'm dirt poor and I very much agree with the GP. Love isn't real.