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Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

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Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#31

Post by will_pseudonym »

unfamiliar wrote: post #16
will_pseudonym wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's a great 5 minute clip of the clinical psychologist and professor Dr. Jordan B. Peterson talking about the dangers of being too agreeable: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVMvQhxN_M8

His entire lecture series, which is available on his youtube channel, is absolutely fantastic and worth every minute. It is probably one of the most engaging and enlightening bodies of work I have experienced in any format.

Absolutely. I also am a big proponent of his Self Authoring program.

selfauthoring.com

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#32

Post by nrjames »

theoh wrote: post #22
nrjames wrote: post #15

It's ok to be accommodating as long as you have learned to be introspective. We all have demands of our own time and money. Introspective accommodating people are able to help others in a generous way while protecting the time and resources they need to help themselves. It's a difficult balance to achieve. Through experience, I've come to believe that this holds true in long-term personal relationships, too. While ma…

"Introspection" is not usually associated with standing up for yourself or your needs. It just means looking inward, which does require that you not be run off your feet taking care of others, but I've never heard it used to refer to the tactics necessary to acquire that space. "Self-advocacy" is one phrase that might be close. Or assertiveness?

In my experience, it is easier to advocate outwardly for yourself than it is to look inward and evaluate what you actually need from yourself in order to be happy. In that sense, I meant introspection. I feel like the more able I am to understand the needs and desires that drive my self-advocacy, the more effectively I can find balance in life.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#33

Post by xyzzy_plugh »

77pt77 wrote: post #30

>Three things were very clear to me in that night of self-examination five years ago. First: A man’s chief loyalty must be to the woman who has joined her life to his; to the children who call him father; and to the business which feeds and clothes and houses them all No. A man’s chief loyalty must be to himself. This guy didn't take the lesson to its final conclusion.

Which benefits society more?

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#34

Post by 77pt77 »

Shamiq wrote: post #19
77pt77 wrote: post #13

> “You are thirty-five years old,” I said to myself. “More than half of your life has already been spent. Well, the age of the document is showing.

Not that far off: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life_expectancy#/media/File:Li...

Almost all decent places to live in the world have an average male life expectancy of over 70 years!

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#35

Post by [deleted] »

xyzzy_plugh wrote: post #33
77pt77 wrote: post #30

>Three things were very clear to me in that night of self-examination five years ago. First: A man’s chief loyalty must be to the woman who has joined her life to his; to the children who call him father; and to the business which feeds and clothes and houses them all No. A man’s chief loyalty must be to himself. This guy didn't take the lesson to its final conclusion.

Which benefits society more?

[deleted]

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#37

Post by graphitezepp »

As someone who trends towards heavily accommodating, I often seem to find my actions that I judge as selfish or arrogant are the ones that I get respect for. Definitely a phenomena I don't understand, but its real so it should be very valuable to learn where to draw the line.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#38

Post by ThrustVectoring »

theparanoid wrote: post #24
iamacynic wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

the trick is to finely calibrate your bullshit meter through life experiences. what people tend to respect innately is a genuinely nice person who can instantly turn into a no-holds-barred asshole if bad intentions are detected.

People really respect power. An accommodating person has none because they say yes to everything.

Yeah. If two people ask for things that are mutually exclusive, there's a huge problem if you can't say no to one of them. If there's no concept of "no", then "yes" becomes much less meaningful.

In social dance contexts, I'm usually happy when people decline to dance with me. It's dead obvious when someone isn't enthusiastic about the dance, and much less fun than getting shot down. Similarly in business contexts - an unreliable "yes" is worse than a "no", because you can get burned relying on the "yes" you did get rather than trying elsewhere after the "no".

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#39

Post by [deleted] »

nrjames wrote: post #15

It's ok to be accommodating as long as you have learned to be introspective. We all have demands of our own time and money. Introspective accommodating people are able to help others in a generous way while protecting the time and resources they need to help themselves. It's a difficult balance to achieve. Through experience, I've come to believe that this holds true in long-term personal relationships, too. While ma…

[deleted]

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#40

Post by graphitezepp »

stretchwithme wrote: post #36

Couldn't help but recall Peter Thiel's ideas on competition and why it's good business to avoid it. The author's father was stuck in competition and it drove a lot of what he did.

The idea in the article was that the competition was "imaginary" as in the salesman across the street didn't bother to try to do everything for everyone correct? Maybe the lesson is more about ignoring what others might be doing and focusing on what you need to do for success yourself. EDIT: mistake was as suggested below.
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