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Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

nautil.us

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Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#31

Post by pmoriarty »

As I've gotten older I've become more and more picky about who I want to spend time with.

It used to be, when I was a lot younger, that I would be pretty indiscriminate: as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would be enough.

But as I got older, I started to see that as a waste of time, and started to notice how little I had in common with the people I spent time with, and how rarely we talked about or did anything that was really meaningful for me, and it started to bother me.

So, over the years I've lost touch with most of my old friends.. and, as I'm not very social, and I'm usually quite content with my own companionship, I really haven't gone to the great trouble of finding new friends, especially now as my standards have gotten so much higher.

The result? I've pretty much no friends left. Occasionally, someone at work reaches out to me, but, really, I recognize that we have little in common, and I usually don't respond in kind. So I'm pretty much alone, and probably will remain so for the rest of my life. Usually I'm ok with that, but sometimes I notice some couples or groups of friends around me, having fun, laughing together, and it bothers me. But not enough for me to make a big change in my life.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#32

Post by unabst »

This is one of those things that just can't be reiterated enough just for the sake of those who need to hear it -- either for the first time or again.

> Loneliness, longing, does not mean one has failed,

Our modern obsession with failure is really the problem. If "failure" wasn't a thing, we'd get up and do something, but instead we give ourselves reasons to attack ourselves and make it some existential threat, all the while thinking exercising our intellect will solve all our problems.

Thinking of loneliness will only make you lonelier. Instead, if one acted on it, the natural progression would lead to relationships, love, and babies. Perfectly natural course of action.

Fuck failure. Whoever got you thinking you are a failure is an idiot, so punch them in the mouth, even if that person is you. At least that's doing something about it!

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#33

Post by agumonkey »

nilkn wrote: post #4
wry_discontent wrote: post #2

I moved into an apartment alone about a year ago now. I absolutely delight living alone and being by myself in a way that I didn't think was possible. I was worried that I'd be lonely and miserable, but I'm not. Sometimes I want some company, but usually I'm content to spend time alone reading or coding or, hell, just thinking.

I experienced something similar. Having my own small apartment was one of the best feelings I've ever experienced in my life. I'm a bit antisocial, but not severely so. I'm more introverted than anything else, and I discovered that I'm incredibly productive when I have a space to myself that I can retire to whenever I want and over which I have complete control. All my life I struggled with issues related to introver…

Once I was shifted because I always came late at work[1]. At 6pm, almost everybody in the building left. The moment the last colleague leaves, I can feel my mind expand and projects ideas onto the walls. It went from absurd mayhem to my own private lab. Bliss. The power of private walls.

[1] most absurd project I had the pleasure to witness, no organization whatsoever, being there at 7 would only mean waiting 2hours for directions, hence my lack of timeliness.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#34

Post by lrem »

nilkn wrote: post #4
wry_discontent wrote: post #2

I moved into an apartment alone about a year ago now. I absolutely delight living alone and being by myself in a way that I didn't think was possible. I was worried that I'd be lonely and miserable, but I'm not. Sometimes I want some company, but usually I'm content to spend time alone reading or coding or, hell, just thinking.

I experienced something similar. Having my own small apartment was one of the best feelings I've ever experienced in my life. I'm a bit antisocial, but not severely so. I'm more introverted than anything else, and I discovered that I'm incredibly productive when I have a space to myself that I can retire to whenever I want and over which I have complete control. All my life I struggled with issues related to introver…

Make sure that the person you marry understands your introversion. Even if you truly fall in love, after a couple years you will need some quiet time (the first few years may get you off your usual ways). If (s)he does not know why you seem to evade contact, it won't do any good for the two of you.

Also, business travel is a blessing.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#35

Post by agumonkey »

wry_discontent wrote: post #2

I moved into an apartment alone about a year ago now. I absolutely delight living alone and being by myself in a way that I didn't think was possible. I was worried that I'd be lonely and miserable, but I'm not. Sometimes I want some company, but usually I'm content to spend time alone reading or coding or, hell, just thinking.

It's not that I am anti social, but the social game is awkward and chaotic. Most of the time I can feel people saying things they don't mean, want, do stuff to "belong". As do I. But I prefer frictionless "loneliness" or self time; mostly because there's less lies. I used to feel the way you do until I found someone that completed me. A flat would feel empty without her now.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#36

Post by orthoganol »

Swizec wrote: post #3

I miss being alone so much I could cry. It wasn't long ago that I could get up in the morning to my empty apartment, stay in my apartment all day (I worked from home), and only see people when I felt like it. Throwing massive parties for 50+ people every month or so works amazingly well for both socialization and increasing your social standing. Nowadays I work from an office with a bunch of other people around me at…

> and increasing your social standing

As a scrappy programmer who spends a lot of hours each week working in solitude on projects, I know I would simply fail in my pursuits if I cared in any deep, identifying way about "social status." It's the type of mindset I've been trying to escape for years after attending an elite university that had an annoyingly sizable amount of people with 'country club' mindsets (albeit a country club of smart people). I just personally think there are pretty strict limits on the amount of success you can achieve if you find it too difficult to depart with a mindset of maintaining social status. It will endanger your independent thinking in subtle ways, as well as the sincerity of your motivations. Pretty sure even YC is on alert about founders who are interested in the 'social status' that goes with having a YC startup, for good reasons.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#37

Post by kayla210 »

nilkn wrote: post #4
wry_discontent wrote: post #2

I moved into an apartment alone about a year ago now. I absolutely delight living alone and being by myself in a way that I didn't think was possible. I was worried that I'd be lonely and miserable, but I'm not. Sometimes I want some company, but usually I'm content to spend time alone reading or coding or, hell, just thinking.

I experienced something similar. Having my own small apartment was one of the best feelings I've ever experienced in my life. I'm a bit antisocial, but not severely so. I'm more introverted than anything else, and I discovered that I'm incredibly productive when I have a space to myself that I can retire to whenever I want and over which I have complete control. All my life I struggled with issues related to introver…

I'm currently dealing with if I want to rent out an apartment by myself or if I want to find a roommate/friend to share it with. On one hand, YAY NO PEOPLE AND FULL CONTROL OF THE PLACE; on the other hand, I don't want to get depressed when I start missing seeing people when I get home. I feel like living on my own would help me so much socially/physically/emotionally than finding someone to room with.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#38

Post by shaftoe »

pmoriarty wrote: post #31

As I've gotten older I've become more and more picky about who I want to spend time with. It used to be, when I was a lot younger, that I would be pretty indiscriminate: as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would…

Your description of drifting apart from friends resonates with me. I've felt the same thing, where it's increasingly forced to care about people I no longer can connect with.

I'm married and my wife has gone through a similar transformation. We're also fairly introverted, in the sense that social situations leave us feeling tired afterwards. The funny thing is that time together is like being alone: it isn't exhausting.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#39

Post by nibs »

benologist wrote: post #26
whoozhat wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

curious... what are you guys gonna do when you have kids?

He currently works overtime to give her time alone. Only thing that changes is work stops solving the problem of how to be out of the house.

This. I will take the kids somewhere to do something while she is alone. Otherwise same deal. It is worth it net net.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#40

Post by WolfDale775 »

pmoriarty wrote: post #31

As I've gotten older I've become more and more picky about who I want to spend time with. It used to be, when I was a lot younger, that I would be pretty indiscriminate: as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would…

I'm 24 and I am (almost(?)) where you are for something more than couple of years now. Except(?)I have a girlfriend so I guess this "saves" me a bit.

Many times I catch myself thinking about contacting some of my old friends or some people I got to know the latter years, to do something more than the usual stuff I get to do with my girlfriend, but I don't.

I haven't figured out if I'm the picky b@st@srd or my "friends" and people I know are the issue.

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