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The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

nytimes.com

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Re: The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

#291

Post by taysic »

sizzle wrote: post #286
spyckie2 wrote: post #47

The harsh reality of 1st or 2nd generation Chinese is that while many of us went to the top universities and grew up with a modern, 1st world mindset, we can't escape the fact that our financial and family background is from the developing world, and we live in both worlds at once - our mindset is modern, but the issues and problems of the developing world are still very much things we have to deal with. I first enco…

"Beyond wealth, there is poverty of taste, standards, and expectations, family practices and emotional intelligence that define many Asian family backgrounds." This is a great insight and I see it all the time in the Asian community. The comparing of children's credentials and achievements, the psychological terror of getting less than an A in class growing up, the the keeping up with the Joneses w.r.t. other Asian f…

I can certainly relate to some of this stuff coming being a child of immigrants from the Balkan countries (not born in the US) but having grown up here most of my life. My father grew up on a farm with no electricity and a well for water. And my mother grew up in a tiny apartment in the city.

Oddly, I see a ton of advantages from my background. The focus and hard work ethic of my parents was easy to replicate and I didn't take anything for granted which I think makes successes sweeter. I found seeing their perspective helped me complain less and feel more confident in myself. Sure my parents weren't perfect but I super appreciate them.

Re: The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

#292

Post by appleiigs »

shady-lady wrote: post #279
appleiigs wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm asian. I'm not american. I think weighing career dreams (a stereotypical american thing) versus taking care my parents (a stereotypical asian thing) is not even a close decision. When I look back at my life, I'm not going to regret spending extra time in the office. I'm in no way saying my opinion is correct, because everyone has different values. I'm just sharing my surprise of the dilemma in your post and the o…

> When I look back at my life, I'm not going to regret spending extra time in the office. Did you mean you're not going to regret not spending extra time in the office? i.e. family > work or did you mean work > family

Yes, sorry, i couldn’t edit my comment after. I prioritize family over my career.

Re: The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

#293

Post by appleiigs »

dragonwriter wrote: post #281
shady-lady wrote: post #279

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> When I look back at my life, I'm not going to regret spending extra time in the office. Did you mean you're not going to regret not spending extra time in the office? i.e. family > work or did you mean work > family

I think GP meant “I have made the correct decisions in life by prioritizing family over work so that I will not later regret spending extra time in the office”. There are two sources of non-regret: Not valuing the thing you would sacrifice is one. But not sacrificing the thing is another.

Thanks for understanding despite my unclear comment.

Re: The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

#294

Post by taysic »

analyst74 wrote: post #270
msie wrote: post #187

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I remember 2 houses distinctly - a rich Asian immigrant's house, and a rich Caucasian's house. The Caucasian's was filled with relics of community - pictures of their involvement on sports teams, pictures of grandparents leading town hall meetings - it felt like they were rooted into the city and were an integral part of the community there. In contrast, the Asian immigrant's house was filled with relics of achieveme…

I also feel this narrative has a strange tone about praising the caucasians of being "rooted into the city and were an integral part of the community", and softly blaming the immigrants for lagging behind in community development. I mean, isn't it normal that the immigrants do not have influential grandparents running town-hall meetings in the city they immigrated to?

True, my parents are I were the only in our family to move to the US but we still had pictures of ourselves on the wall. Hehe.

Re: The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

#295

Post by j45 »

sizzle wrote: post #290
j45 wrote: post #3

Some wisdom that's not easy to imagine for ourselves, but statistically.. "Looking back on my high school years, all my relatives tried to talk me, a top-ranking student, into majoring in science or finance in college. But I was stubborn enough to stay with my favorite subject, literature. Now I understand them. They knew very well that in life, things can easily fall apart, and that those degrees are a promise of a…

What did you end up doing with your literature degree if you don't mind me asking. I hope you found your profitable niche, if not what is the barrier to success?

My point was the increased awareness of fragility as time goes on, regardless of a science or arts education.

I didn't take literature, I was in sciences. Today those who are read, and can write are able to write marketing, copy, communication and are valuable where techies struggle to growth hack.

In university, it seemed friends in sciences had less of a sense of themselves, but found a career easier. It was also noticeable that friends in arts may not have had a clear path to a career, but seemed to have a clearer sense of themselves, or at least an ability to explore and articulate it.

Re: The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

#296

Post by Fomite »

mywittyname wrote: post #248
biztos wrote: post #232

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What's the issue with brown shoes?

"When in town, don't wear brown" is the adage. I'm not British, but I've worked for several British companies and this topic has come up in conversation when I complimented someone on their black shoes with a Navy suit, as it's a combination that I never thought to pair (I hate black shoes). My understanding is brown shoes are considered to be sporty or informal Britons. It's something you'd wear to go hunting or on…

I deliberately wore hiking boots to my faculty interviews >.>

Re: The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

#297

Post by derangedHorse »

genghisjahn wrote: post #180
sturgill wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Both my wife and I grew up quite poor (for US standards). We didn’t quite fit in at university and had a hard time relating to our peers who grew up with money (my wife’s parents encouraged her to not go to school but just stay and marry local). We’re doing well for ourselves, but still don’t really fit in among our peers. We’ve coined a phrase for it: “your poverty is showing.” It doesn’t matter how much I make: at…

My parents didn't have a lot of extra money for things, so I rarely asked for the moon. I only asked for things I thought they could provide. But when they couldn't (not enough $), they couldn't and that was how it was explained. "I know you want this, I want you to have it, but I can't." As a child that is disappointing but understandable. For my children, when they ask for something I'm rarely not able to buy it fo…

I don't know if saying no just for the sake of it is the answer lol. My parents were similar to what you were describing and if I wanted something I would have to pay for it myself. Even when I was too young to work, I'd skip lunch in school just to save enough money to purchase the things I'd rarely get otherwise. In the long-term it's turned me into a fiscally responsible adult, but sometimes I think it's made me too frugal in the long run. It may just be the people I hang around who are on the irresponsible end of the fiscal spectrum, but it's always on my mind whether it's me or them.

Re: The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

#298

Post by fouc »

mafro wrote: post #53
fouc wrote: post #40

This is a very bizarre story. Not everyone has the inclination to develop connections, nor should they. Not everyone is motivated by more "practical" careers. The truth is if she had a chance to repeat her life, she'd probably still choose to pursue her literary dreams. She made the decision multiple times in her life to focus on other things besides connections or going for some "practical" career. She knew there wo…

Have you never regretted decisions made?

All the time :)

Re: The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

#299

Post by spyckie2 »

analyst74 wrote: post #270
msie wrote: post #187

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I remember 2 houses distinctly - a rich Asian immigrant's house, and a rich Caucasian's house. The Caucasian's was filled with relics of community - pictures of their involvement on sports teams, pictures of grandparents leading town hall meetings - it felt like they were rooted into the city and were an integral part of the community there. In contrast, the Asian immigrant's house was filled with relics of achieveme…

I also feel this narrative has a strange tone about praising the caucasians of being "rooted into the city and were an integral part of the community", and softly blaming the immigrants for lagging behind in community development. I mean, isn't it normal that the immigrants do not have influential grandparents running town-hall meetings in the city they immigrated to?

Not praise, just a noticable difference in investment. If you are climbing out of poverty you focus on yourself and your family rather than integrating yourself in your community. For example, representing your school by being on a sports team is not something Asian families promote.

Re: The Bitter Regrets of a Useless Chinese Daughter

#300

Post by mindentropy »

vinceguidry wrote: post #132
mindentropy wrote: post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In your opinion what do you think of the abundance? In my opinion this abundance is nice to be kept aside for tough days but should not be used/exposed on a day to day basis. I too am an Indian and I see not only the well off but even the middle to lower middle class who look at the well off and set the standards based on them. So many of them buy so many useless stuff and waste a lot be it food or some other materia…

My earliest childhood memories are of the varied households we bounced around in because my mom couldn't keep the rent paid reliably after she threw my alcoholic father out. She remarried a Marine and that experience of poverty, along with the constant familial abusiveness, never directed at me but rather my mom, went away overnight, to be relived once a year when we took summer trips back. Abundance to me is somethi…

> Abundance to me is something you need to fight for in order to keep in your life.

> The little abundances we have in life are to be managed, never vilified.

This is true. In case of money too it has to be managed well. Otherwise it just goes away.

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