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How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

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Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#271

Post by charwalker »

sirmarksalot wrote: post #237
jonpurdy wrote: post #209

Earlier quoted context omitted.

An interesting dichotomy between big cities vs small towns has come up and being discussed the replies to this. Interesting that it is a very North America-centric perspective. Go to South Korea or Japan and you'll find rural villages that are more densely packed than cities of 100,000+ in USA and Canada. This density allows for shops and convenience stores to be easily accessible and walkable in every neighbourhood,…

This is a really interesting tangent to go off on. I wonder if the reason for this is that Japan and Korea never really had a frontier the way the US did. I think the idea of a wide open wilderness, yours if you can tame it, contributes to a desire and expectation of a giant living space, all to yourself. I don't know about Korea, but in Japan, most of society grew up around castle towns, and with the exception of po…

Consider that in the US you could immigrate west and the government would give you land if you set up a homestead, at least in the mid 1800's.

There's also a literature reference to I think Little House on the Prairie where the father sees another family coming into the valley and decides they need to pack up and leave.

There is a long history of US travel out west to get land and space regardless, or maybe because, of how far away from others you can get.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#272

Post by Viliam1234 »

dredmorbius wrote: post #241
pessimizer wrote: post #231

If you're a people-pleaser, don't ever do what this article is calling a "soft no." It's proposing this as a compromise between a "hard no" and a yes, but there's no benefit in being compromised here. The more practice you get with your "hard no," the better you'll get at it. Eventually you'll have to pull back because you're finding it too easy to say no. That's when you know you're cured. A "soft no" given to an as…

I start with a soft no. Assholes discover just how close to that the hard no lies. When dealing with reasonable and perceptive people, a soft no is sufficient and provides social lubricant. Oh: my lifetime supply of fucks to give ran out a decade back. No, I'm not gratuitously rude (anything but). But I meet gratuitous rudeness with same. In the long run it reduces need to do so.

Yes, this is a good strategy when you already have the skill to say "no".

But for someone who just learns it, "soft no" means having to say "no" twice, when they barely can say it once.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#273

Post by dredmorbius »

Viliam1234 wrote: post #272
dredmorbius wrote: post #241

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I start with a soft no. Assholes discover just how close to that the hard no lies. When dealing with reasonable and perceptive people, a soft no is sufficient and provides social lubricant. Oh: my lifetime supply of fucks to give ran out a decade back. No, I'm not gratuitously rude (anything but). But I meet gratuitous rudeness with same. In the long run it reduces need to do so.

Yes, this is a good strategy when you already have the skill to say "no". But for someone who just learns it, "soft no" means having to say "no" twice, when they barely can say it once.

The soft no often works.

It also helps, tremendously, at sorting out the asshats. Who, thankfully, aren't too prevalent.

And gives much practice in saying 'no', even if soft, making the hard noes easier, eventually.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#274

Post by hi41 »

I have a people pleaser throughout my life. As a small kid I was very timid and had social anxiety. As an adult, I still remain timid and have difficulty expressing my opinions. My people pleaser attitude had a detrimental effect on my software career. I said yes to all the production support tasks and spent so much time on it that I no longer got project coding work. I lost my software developer job. I have taken up a production support job yo pay the bills. My dreams died with it. I took an interim java coder job. I couldn’t code even one line.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#275

Post by m463 »

cheschire wrote: post #88
closeparen wrote: post #29

My life got a lot better after I stopped considering questions in terms of my own preferences and started considering them in terms of how they would connect me to others. I really don’t want to go out for drinks after work. But this preference is nothing compared to how much I value the friendships that come from doing it. Hiking a mountain is not in the top 100 things I want to do with my weekend. But a shared expe…

What has your recent experience been as these opportunities arise in the face of COVID? How does the potential for danger in even mundane social gatherings affect your decision now? In the last 18 months I came to the same conclusion as you and started socializing more, but then COVID happened and then quarantine and while the rest of my office rushes back to doing team lunches and whatnot, I find myself hesitating.…

you can always think of it this way: https://xkcd.com/2346/

(meet people outdoors?)

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#276

Post by [deleted] »

ritchiea wrote: post #255
tristor wrote: post #246

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It appears to me that the privileged few that saw themselves in the demographic gifted free speech are the the people who are angry their speech is criticized. Free speech is a civil right, as civil rights have grown in the US it has been extended to those that civil rights have grown to encompass. It's not just the privileged few (or even the privileged majority) that are angry about a loss of this social more. >…

Who are these people that have been punished for speech? It seems to me more a boogeyman of “if I say X, people will not like it” which is normal, sometimes people find some ideas repugnant, than a real scare. And yes I am using a relatively broad definition of powerful, I’m not talking Bezos etc in the 0.01%, I’m talking more upper middle class and up mostly white men. Who maybe are not correctly defined as the powe…

[deleted]

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#278

Post by darkerside »

mistersquid wrote: post #270
darkerside wrote: post #248

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have much now control over my thoughts and feelings in response to words than I used to. Here, for example, almost ridiculously, I felt a moment of anger that someone who so clearly had missed my point would so confidently respond with examples that are not relevant to it. That lasted a microsecond. I've learned to tell myself a different story. You're not being properly obtuse, your actually have a different set o…

> Here, for example, almost ridiculously, I felt a moment of anger that someone who so clearly had missed my point would so confidently respond with examples that are not relevant to it. I believe my examples, especially regarding blood cortisol levels with regard to threatening behavior, are very relevant. Another example > I felt a moment of anger You controlled your response, but you likely had little to no contro…

Yeah we all choose what we want to focus on, and I try to focus on things I can control. And I believe if everyone did, the world would be a better place.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#279

Post by b0rsuk »

FooBarBizBazz wrote: post #238
b0rsuk wrote: post #18

5 Tips To Stop People Pleasing (Richard Grannon, edited down to 15 minutes) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRprOhOaDSo 8 signs you're too nice for your own good (Psych2Go, 5:45) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lw4M4q2NFw If you're a people pleaser, you attract narcissists like a magnet. If you had narcissists in family, you develop a blind spot to this and are mostly unable to spot it. I STRONGLY recommend the Doct…

When you watch Ramani's videos, you can see everyone around her shrink in fear of getting the "narcissist" label themselves, and offer her deference. It doesn't take a genius to see why she'd invest in a professional identity that lets her do this. In the comments, you can also see that many people identify with her and take pleasure from watching these displays. Meditating on the figure of the Narcissist makes us se…

What exactly are you trying to say?

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#280

Post by cutemonster »

GistNoesis wrote: post #207
cutemonster wrote: post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also, "Once you have identified what type of culture someone tend to follow" -- what are good ways to do that sooner rather than later?

Typical characteristics from the two types : https://www2.pacific.edu/sis/culture/pub/context_cultures_hi... Often it's pretty straight forward when you ask yourself the question. As all cultural phenomenon, there is a strong local component to it but there are still many variations : knowing where they are from, whether they grow up in big city or small rural areas, is often a good starting guess. But after a few se…

Interesting table, the one you linked. I'm thinking people have traits from both contexts, and I suppose that for some, one context is more dominant

I'd want to split the table into more dimensions than just one

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