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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#271
post #202

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"it's just hard to meet people in the first place" If it's hard, it's usually a psychological difficulty rather than a lack of opportunity. Unless you live somewhere exceptionally remote, you're usually surrounded by people and opportunities for meeting them are quite frequent. You could strike up conversations most anywhere: from streets to bus stops to parks to bars to dance and social clubs to special interest gro…

I live in Seattle and everyone else on my daily commute is immersed in their smartphone, tablet, or laptop.

Seattle is the home of a deep insularity.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#272

I have tried to make guy friends and the main problem seems to be that they're boring. We just run out of stuff to talk about unless we have some business related stuff to talk about. I prefer lady friends ( AS IN FRIENDS WHO ARE FEMALE WHO I DO NOT HAVE A SEXUAL OR WORK RELATION WITH AND WHO I AM NOT TRYING TO DATE ) as there's always the flirty subtext to play around with and they are just pleasant to be around and…

I'm not a downvoter but I think your very first premise is really flawed. A blanket statement saying men (or at least the ones you meet) are boring is kind of not recognizing the massive diversity of people. But it sort of gets clearer when you say next that you like the flirty subtext of talking with women, and then that starts sounding a bit creepy, especially when you are adding in the over emphasized insisitence its not about dating/sex.

I find it harder to make friends with males because it's often hard to find a good connection. I'm 47. But I have made good friends with other males once we find a groove (often based around humour)

I've often been surprised about the things other males think about once they open up. Initially some males can seem quite one dimensional.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#273

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"it's just hard to meet people in the first place" If it's hard, it's usually a psychological difficulty rather than a lack of opportunity. Unless you live somewhere exceptionally remote, you're usually surrounded by people and opportunities for meeting them are quite frequent. You could strike up conversations most anywhere: from streets to bus stops to parks to bars to dance and social clubs to special interest gro…

I don't think "striking up conversations from anywhere" is the way to go to find long-term friendship. Friendships work best when the lives of both parties (assuming over 30 years old) are in sync: this can be either similar situations, or common life threads to talk about. Outside that, the energy required to maintain friendship goes up dramatically. For people over 30+ some common threads are same-aged children, si…

How do you find out if you're "in sync" with someone? Conversations. How do you start that common circle, how do you pick people to invite to it? Fresh blood requires that someone talk to the strangers. And "anywhere" you've got at least one thread in common: You're in the same place, at the same time, for some reason. Often similar reasons.

Now sure, not every conversation with a stranger will turn into a life long connection between soulmates. Some of them you'll never talk to again. And sure, sharing the work between a circle of like-minded friends can help once you've gotten that like-minded circle of friends established.

But I have to say - some my best friendships have formed when a relative stranger struck up a conversation with me over a game. Or a job. Or a shared technical interest. Or, yes, by just being in the same damn place at the same damn time.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#274
post #202

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"it's just hard to meet people in the first place" If it's hard, it's usually a psychological difficulty rather than a lack of opportunity. Unless you live somewhere exceptionally remote, you're usually surrounded by people and opportunities for meeting them are quite frequent. You could strike up conversations most anywhere: from streets to bus stops to parks to bars to dance and social clubs to special interest gro…

I live in Seattle and everyone else on my daily commute is immersed in their smartphone, tablet, or laptop.

This is my experience as well. People in Seattle even when not on devices are very anti-social. When I was in the midwest, random people invited me to BBQ's and social events all the time.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#275
post #243

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Humans are really, really bad at lots of things, but we usually learn ways to compensate, particularly if it's important. Someone like myself who struggles with being late (due to optimism, exactly as you said) absolutely knows that they have this weakness, because it happens constantly and causes all manner of friction and problems. If you don't make any serious attempts to compensate and be better, you're just demo…

I’m always late to things because of optimism and I compensate by considering anything up to 10 minutes late as on time. My friends have learned to just assume I’ll be late. Does that count? What I think is worse than being late are thr monsters that show up on time to a party. Like wtf who does that.

Due to the planning fallacy, in order to rarely be late, you have to be early almost all the time.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#276
I'd advise people to join a Crossfit gym. Besides (in my opinion) being a physically and by extension mentally healthy endeavor, you easily meet and spend time with a group of adults of various ages going through the same challenge of the group workouts along side you on a daily basis.

Often times you partner up on workouts, or at the very least talk over what the day's workout is. Many gyms organize both competitive (friendly) workout competitions (with other nearby gyms also) as well as social events with members.

The nature of group physical exertion (high physical stress) provides a low social stress environment to make casual acquaintances many of which can become close friends.

I see many in the comments lamenting the practical inability to strike up random conversations with strangers they encounter throughout the day. In the gym setting it is very easy to ease into these types of interactions when desired.. Over time without even trying you become pretty close with the trainers and members just by nature of being around them often, working together so to speak towards a common goal.

This is also a great way as a couple to make friends. You join together, and right from the start you're not on your own.. and often times there are other couples attending classes as well.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#277

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't know about that. You just shouldn't strap more meaning onto it than that it's a survey that gives you a qualitative description of the answers you gave to it -- people have some innate attraction to such things and I find it hard to criticize them for it. I just don't think it's appropriate to use for career counseling, etc.

You can't even consistently get the same results for the same person.

"qualitative description of the answers you gave to it" != "qualitative description of person who answered the questions"

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#278

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

So much this. I had a lot of resentment built up because of these and realized that some people are just that way.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#279
post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

* Sports: lifting, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, hiking. * Adult classes: dancing, cooking, painting. * Hobbies: guns, diving, photography, fishing, boating. * Lifestyle: all kinds of travel, alcohol and other substances. * Professional: startups... eh... scratch that. * Charity: pet shelters, soup kitchens, organizing. * Politics: volunteering, door-to-door. The trouble begins when you realize you don't actuall…

> The trouble begins when you realize you don't actually care about any of these things. yeah, this is me. how do you meet the people who just want to sit around, drink a few beers, chat a little, and maybe watch a movie?

Bars?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#280

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

Lateness in my case is a consequence of trying to get as much out of my time as possible. I generally find that most of the people I interact with are equally afflicted by this, so also have a tendency to be late and are fairly understanding (within reasonable limits). On the flip side, I find that people that are always there on the dot tend not to have very much going on in their lives. Their timelines defines their personality more than what they do!
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