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Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

reuters.com

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Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#261

This is a widespread societal change that I think most people are completely unaware of. The majority of women are sleeping with the top 10% of men, sometimes only the top 3-5%, with the rest barely getting any at all. the sexual revolution was never about free love or sexual freedom, it was about womens rights to sleep with the few men they are all attracted to. The lower 80% of men instead saw their sexual freedom…

> Especially in contrast with other circles that I ran in, specifically nerdier programmers working at FAANG.

Nerdier programmers should spend less time talking among themselves about Redis, NodeJS and Angular at those bars and more time talking to women that are there about something other than nerdy stuff. One would be amazed how far even cursory knowledge of different topics, current events, food, wine and general happenings in the city goes to establish that the biggest nerds are quirky rather than dull. Quirky people get laid. Dull people don't.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#262

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wrote a comment that dives into this a bit ~3 months ago: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=22407388 If you don't want to read the whole thing (it's brief though, so consider it, and includes citations that I don't want to pollute this thread with), the high level TLDR is (based on the data) men are content to date down, women are not, and economically disadvantaged men (which there are more of due to globalizat…

men are content to date down, women are not This misses a fundamental point that has been made clear since the advent of Tinder and the like. The terrible experience and loneliness of men not in the top 20% on those apps is because the women on them are not content to date on their level , or even below several rungs above them. Let alone "date down". I've seen this happen with multiple friends of mine, decent (not n…

Society can't "wake up", this is what it wanted. Women being equal, but not interested in "lesser" partners, causes a natural imbalance. You can't "fix" the imbalance without removing free will from market participants.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#263

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It is these men who are having all the sex. Seems like a powder keg over time as the excluded men become bitter and forced to postpone getting married and starting a family. I believe many of these men will eventually find someone once enough of the women who are now rejecting them face biological realities and are forced to settle if they want to have children. Yep. The problems will be generational. On one hand y…

> any relationship they find will be tainted by knowing they weren't good enough to party with but good enough to marry. I am confused by this.... I would feel much better about myself knowing I was the one good enough to marry rather than the one who was only good enough to party with.

I don’t think that settling down with someone that isn’t sexually attracted to you enough is a recipe for a healthy relationship.

On the plus side if you’re in your early 30’s and economically stable and well enough off for your area your get to experience life on easy mode.

I got to experience that after my last brake up before I got fed up and went for something more stable and it was really an eye opening experience.

I pretty much spent my whole 20’s in a single LTR that ended so I never had to experience Tinder before but it was a whole other experience.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#264

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Regardless of the real quantity, society will blame all sexless men for their lack of sex because to acknowledge any other reality would mean that something is wrong with how we are dating.

App dating doesn’t work well for a whole lot of people — it‘s really bad if you’re fat, trans, disabled, or even just socially awkward. App culture is about looking for a reason to swipe left rather than finding someone you like and accepting their flaws. It sucks for everyone, it’s just easier for straight cis women under 35 who are able-bodied and of a certain size to get laid.

> it's really bad if you’re fat, disabled, or even just socially awkward

Isn't it easier to hide these things on a Tinder profile than in a nightclub?

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#265

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It is these men who are having all the sex. Seems like a powder keg over time as the excluded men become bitter and forced to postpone getting married and starting a family. I believe many of these men will eventually find someone once enough of the women who are now rejecting them face biological realities and are forced to settle if they want to have children. Yep. The problems will be generational. On one hand y…

> any relationship they find will be tainted by knowing they weren't good enough to party with but good enough to marry. I am confused by this.... I would feel much better about myself knowing I was the one good enough to marry rather than the one who was only good enough to party with.

The problem is your spouse will not really find you attractive sexually. She will be with you because you have money and are a good provider. She really wants to be with the guy she partied with in her younger years, not you.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#266
post #165

This is a widespread societal change that I think most people are completely unaware of. The majority of women are sleeping with the top 10% of men, sometimes only the top 3-5%, with the rest barely getting any at all. the sexual revolution was never about free love or sexual freedom, it was about womens rights to sleep with the few men they are all attracted to. The lower 80% of men instead saw their sexual freedom…

I am not sure I can buy this. Most "hot" guys aren't going to sleep with ugly girls just because the can. Perhaps the OP's answer does not hinge upon that concept, but it certainly seems relevant. I think the issue is much more complex than this, and has far more to do with male insecurity than anything else.

My best female friend is ugly. She is writing to model-like guys on instagram, visiting them and is having sex with them. EVERY SINGLE TIME they never text her back, she still falls in love with them and is heart-broken for 2-3 weeks. This has become already pathological. She has done therapy and still falls into depression again.

The only thing she can do: find hot 10/10 model guys that jet around the world for their Gucci/Prada/Chanel model jobs, fuck with them and feel great for a short period of time.

I try to help her in the difficult times ofc, but it annoys me a lot how bad these guys behave.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#267

Earlier quoted context omitted.

it can be viewed as patronizing.

You are correct. But many men were educated like that. Because that is what a gentleman does. Same way we were taught to open the door to an older (not old) person as a sign of respect.

Absolutely and give up your seat for elderly person on public transport.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#268
post #12

They buried the lede here. > Sexual activity was largely unchanged among unmarried women, along with no notable decline among gay men, researchers reported. Basically sex is following the pattern of wealth. Men as a group aren't having less sex, instead there's a winner take all effect where a small number of men are having a lot of sex with a lot of women while a large number of men are having little to no sex. It'l…

I'm seeing a trend in the replies here of the parent that might show an implicit bias towards a particular feeling of powerlessness in getting sex + companionship. If this is you, then know the following: in most cases, one is able to get an abundance of intimacy [1]. I know this because this was one of my life goals in my mid teens to early twenties. It was my first big achievement in life, for me anyway, I worked hard at it.

Don't believe me? Checkout Sean Stephenson (RIP). If you think he dated the women of his dreams because he's wealthy, my experience suggests it's his charisma. I've learned that a huge part of it can be trained. The funny thing is, no one would call me charismatic, yet, I found my voice and a way to expose my personality in an attractive enough way to the women I want.

I simply know the pain and if I can help other people not experience it, yea that would be an amazing use of my time.

The average woman judges me to be a 6 by looks at best. My target group of women almost never praise me for my physical features but my personality instead.

Judge for youerself: I'm tall, super skinny (most often the skinniest), have a very atypical face, so yea not in the top 1%. It took me 5 years to learn what I wanted to learn. And now I'm now I'm happy in that area of my life. For the past 8 years, I've had no issues related to lack of intimacy.

If you need any dating advice, I'm by far not the best dating coach, and I am by far not the best seducer. But I'm a HN'er so, and I struggled a shit ton with this and learned a lot of it consciously. Also, my peak moments have been borderline insanely awesome. So there's that.

Shoot me an email (see my profile) and I hope I can help a bit, any gender is welcome to email (I've seen some overlap in issues and approaches). In most cases, I've noticed, I can't help [2]. I wish I could share online resources, but it's a bit of a mine field since it really depends on how you learn and how you perceive the world.

Or just do what I did and simply Google "how to get a girlfriend/" and go on a wild adventure that will lead to your future love life. When learning this on your own, remember to be: respectful, full of empathy (both cognitive and affective empathy [3]), playful, confident and kind (preferably, in that order). I know, it's a lot, I never said this would be easy ;-)

[1] Intimacy being defined here as a mix of sex and companionship. Also, I say "most cases", since I know how terrible I was, but I also know that there are people even worse than me. In most cases, these people wouldn't be capable of applying any sort of logical thinking, so I suspect this isn't you.

Also abundance: the feeling of "yep, I'm good :)"

[2] I'm not a coach, just someone who wants to help. What I am struggling with when helping my friends is that: in general my friends didn't dare to experiment enough on their own. In some cases, this was even the case when I was able to give them exact counter evidence, tailored to every whim. So yea, if you at least aspire to want to be able to self-experiment, I might be able to help somewhat. I've done it :D

[3] Cognitive empathy: you're able to understand why someone goes through a certain situation by understanding it logically. Example: someone falls, therefore they must be hurt, therefore they will appreciate help.

Affective empathy: you're able to understand why someone goes through a certain situation by understanding it by feeling their pain. Example: someone falls (you feel it as well), by feeling their pain, you can feel that the person landed hard on his knee and by looking at their face and "feeling" their facial expressions, you feel their are in a huge distress. You now know that you need to calm them down and make sure their knee is cared for.

^ These two examples are quite simplictic.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#269
This has always been the case; it's just that the internet has facilitated dissemination of this knowledge very rapidly.

Read "The Game" by Neil Strauss and the whole alt.seduction.fast thing - this was happening in the early/mid/late 90s long before the advent of online dating.

This is old knowledge coming to surface. Nothing has fundamentally changed in the behavior/logic of men or women.

Re: Young U.S. men having a lot less sex in the 21st century, study shows

#270

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> believe many of these men will eventually find someone once enough of the women who are now rejecting them face biological realities and are forced to settle if they want to have children. Who wants to be last choice? Maybe many of these men will wise up and marry a foreign girl(despite the usual shaming) or just hire sexual workers.

The assumption that a "foreign girl" is easier to get is both offensive and wrong. Given the ratio of men and women in Asian culture for example, it's a much crowder competition space. That's even more true considering the fact that a large percentage of those Asian women in the US are either highly educated, or from wealthy families that sent them study abroad. They look for partners who are equally educated/success…

There's a lot of "foreign girls" that aren't asian, and the competition space you described was artificially created. If you want to claim "offensive" and "wrong", you need to provide a better response.
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