Tell HN: My Brother Died Last Week. His Death Will Not Be In Vain

I don't know the answer to that. I do know that conversations which make people feel blamed for something terrible that has happened and which cannot be reversed are disastrous.

I am very familiar with the social factors in suicide. The way I have been treated socially is a big part of why I am often suicidal. I have cystic fibrosis, as does my oldest son. We have figured out how to get well when everyone claims it cannot be done. The world would like us to politely die so doctors and others can feel like they know what they are talking about. I am currently deeply in debt and homeless. I can get almost no one to take me seriously. I feel a bit like Galileo, a prisoner and shunned for speaking the truth about an important discovery. It is the kind of thing other people get Nobel prizes for. But I am an outcast and the world is very content with condemning me to death and putting up obstacles at every turn. So, that is a big part of why I often feel like "what is the point?"

I perhaps made a mistake in returning to HN. I really do not feel welcome here. Plenty of wealthy, influential people here have attacked me or otherwise behaved in a malicious fashion towards me. In the past, it has been okay for people to pillory me here. The community did not care if I got the crap kicked out of me. The rules about "respecting" others and not engaging in personal attacks apparently do not apply so as to protect me. This is hardly unique to HN. It is pretty normal in most online settings.

I am clear that part of the reason for that is that people who are very ill or who have loved ones who are very ill are deeply hurt by the idea that I am getting well when they are not. Trying to share information with them is routinely interpreted as making them look stupid and shaming them, even in cases where the ill person still lives and could yet be helped.

So I have spent a lot of years wrestling with how to diplomatically talk about hard subjects, my health being just one of them. And long experience informs me that speaking of this issue in a manner which could make the OP feel somehow at fault for his brother's death cannot bring his brother back but can do all kinds of harm to him and others involved in the situation.

I am unwilling to suggest that the OP could or should have done x, y, or z differently and then his brother "would" still be alive. We do not know the particulars of this case and that is the worst kind of Monday night quarterbacking imaginable.

I hope the OP's intent to have his brother's death not be in vain serves to get people talking and helps others. It is too late to help his brother. It is not too late to do serious damage to him and others by how we talk about this.

Anyway, I have a headache. I logged in to find my last submission to HN dead. I am not in the best place emotionally myself today.

I hope that helps/sorry if it is TMI (something I am often accused of).

My sons still live with me. They are both ASD and not very touchy-feely people. But they are very loyal to me. I have a deadly medical condition. Doctors told me "people like you don't get well" and washed their hands of responsibility. Since I have defective genes, it won't hurt their professional reputation if I die while under their care. That feels pretty awful to be on the receiving end of.

My sons are taking care of me so I can get well, physically. Part of that is dealing with the brain chemistry fall out as I fight the infections that overran my system, etc. Yes, over time, their devoted care is convincing me someone actually cares about me even though neither of them is the gushy type. They do the important stuff. They provide the care I need.

I was a homemaker and full time mom for many years. I took devoted care of them. The three of us are getting physically well together, but I was the sickest. So the care I gave them is coming back to me. That is a first for my life. For the most part, my emotional generosity has gotten me burned by other people.

tldr: It wouldn't be inaccurate to say that it is therapeutic.

People who are raised with a shame or guilt model will read fingerpointing into what you say whether it is there or not.

Given the problems I have, if they did not live with me, I likely would have died already.

> No, all it shows is that there is a physical component - and probably for only some people.

In science, the word "probably" is best left behind.

> It is hardly the same as something like diabetes.

But that's just the point -- until we know what causes depression, as scientists we should not arbitrarily assume anything. The recent findings point to a physical, biological cause. The fact that psychiatrists and psychologists cannot treat depression points in the same direction. Or didn't you know that? Studies of psychological depression treatments and drugs have yet to reach statistical significance.

As someone who struggles with mental illness daily, I agree with the sentiment that the world should really treat this kind of disease with a lot more compassion and support, rather than a blaming and negative attitude. It really is a constant uphill battle, and the cards are stacked against us.

At the same time, at some level it really comes down to a personal choice to either keep fighting against it, or just give up. The nature of despair and depression can make it less appealing choose to keep fighting, but it's still a choice.

But that doesn't change the fact that people should be supportive and compassionate toward people struggling in these ways. It's never ever ever good or healthy or productive to condemn someone who's made some kind of mistake, because mistakes are usually the result of an internal struggle of some kind. Condemning or blaming someone only makes it harder for them to win the fight against whatever they're battling internally, and ultimately we just want everyone to win these internal fights.