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Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

thetimes.co.uk

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Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#231

Post by [deleted] »

fromthestart wrote: post #214
black_puppydog wrote: post #180

Sorry, I know this will trigger some folks, but this is exactly why I never understood the backlash against "toxic masculinity" that I see from (male) friends whenever the term comes up. Who said it's supposed to be toxic only for others? Being a stereotypically "manly" man would prevent me in particular from expressing some of the things that make me feel the least lonely, from simple things like cooking and being p…

>which I never understood the backlash against toxic masculinity" that I see from (male) friends whenever the term comes up. Who said it's supposed to be toxic only for others? Because toxic masculinity is an exaggerated catch-all boogey man used online to shame men for their innate nature, taking for granted that society functions better if we act more like females. Conversations around toxic masculinity typically i…

[deleted]

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#232

Post by Ixiaus »

Mediterraneo10 wrote: post #218
Ixiaus wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It is not common and if you experience this then you are: bad at setting your own boundaries, bad at mate selection, or bad at friend selection. Men are not victims here. Have a hard look at why you think this and fix the problem.

> if you experience this then you are: bad at setting your own boundaries, bad at mate selection, or bad at friend selection. Indeed, many men are bad at some of those things. Attraction to a partner can be such a powerful motivation that one rushes to establish the relationship without thinking or caring about the effect it will have on one's social life. Then, once one is already married, there is a fairly widespre…

I understand your perspective because I've been there but you can always start taking responsibility for codependence now by taking a hard look at how you place blame (regardless of your gender).

In most cases, both parties will contribute to the problem but someone needs to lead themselves and their partner out of the complementary neurosis and you do that by taking responsibility for your contribution then setting boundaries and working compassionately with the other person/people.

I don't even think it's people generally who are victims. I don't like victim mentality because it robs "the victim" of agency.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#234

Post by sargram01 »

lolinder wrote: post #195
sargram01 wrote: post #128

What happened to the movement that it’s ok to be bored? That was ok, but now it goes out the window when it’s called “loneliness?”

Bored and lonely are two very different things. "It's okay to be bored" is about disconnecting from the constant feed of entertainment and information, not about isolating yourself from other human beings.

It’s the same thing, you’re just replacing a human for the content. And the result is the same, this constant grasping, never a moment’s rest.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#235

Post by yourapostasy »

ryanmarsh wrote: post #22

I find it interesting that men seem to be at the polar ends of the friendship spectrum. When lonely, they are the most lonely, and also when they have friendship claim higher levels of trust in those relationships than women would. Women who express feelings of loneliness tend to have more human connections than men expressing similar feelings. Women claiming to have good friendships still do not indicate high levels…

> I wonder why though?

Might be another aspect to gather more information for the ongoing research into the variability hypothesis [1].

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Variability_hypothesis

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#236

Post by [deleted] »

garmaine wrote: post #145
buro9 wrote: post #87

I run 300 forums, and I had a startup for them. The lofty goal of the startup was to "cure loneliness" but I never told the users that. My path to doing this was to encourage interest based communication, in a way that would allow them to take it offline. How? Well to make it interest + geography, i.e. horology nerds in Cumbria, cyclists in London, petrol heads in Cornwall, audiophiles in Suffolk. By binding together…

Just FYI, “have no close friend” and “loneliness” aren’t the same thing. I have no close friends, and I prefer it. Don’t try to “cure” people like me.

[deleted]

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#237

Post by pbhjpbhj »

Mediterraneo10 wrote: post #206
tonystubblebine wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

An important post-30 strategy that I use is to assume that all friends with children are prisoners in their own home. You know exactly where they are. You know they don't have plans. They are desperate for adult conversation. That means you can invite yourself over, bring takeout, and basically make their day. I'm coupled but this should work as a single. Our parent friends say it's actually easier to be friends with…

> That means you can invite yourself over It is fairly common for a man to marry a woman who does not like his friends. Then, the wife does not want the husband’s friends at their home. So, you cannot invite yourself over, and the man is so busy with giving his wife sufficient attention and with childraising that he cannot easily go out to meet his friends in another location.

The third sentence doesn't follow.

The wife doesn't have to like his friends, just respect him enough to allow him scope to choose who he associates with: That's surely the majority situation?

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#238

Post by garmaine »

omginternets wrote: post #211
garmaine wrote: post #193

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn’t take offense. Did it read that way? He is on a self-professed quest to cure loneliness, and seems to equate that with not having close friendships. I just want to make sure he is aware there is a distinction and not everyone classifies that way.

>He is on a self-professed quest to cure loneliness It seemed to me that he was on a quest to cure his loneliness. Point is: It's interesting (perhaps even revealing) that you read it differently. If it's not a problem, then it's not a problem. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

If so, I misread it. But going back I still can't see that interpretation.

> The lofty goal of the startup was to "cure loneliness" but I never told the users that.

And then he talks about building features for users to take their conversations offline. I mean maybe it was all for himself, but it seems like the goal was to get users to build long-lasting relationships.

Which is commendable, and I commend him for it. It sounds like an awesome project.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#239

Post by jefftk »

rutierut wrote: post #69
DeusExMachina wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I moved to another country at the age of 30, which meant the number of friends I had dropped to 0. What worked for me was starting dancing tango, where I built a newer, better and larger network than the one I previously had. I guess this can apply to any social activity where you can interact with people, be it social dancing or coocking classes.

This is amazing, it really shows character that you take action to solve your problems and are successful in doing so. So please know that this is not aimed at you personally... But... I am so freaking sick of people recommending others to pickup either salsa or tango! Not of the people that recommend this themselves but are there really no other options? Tango/salsa classes seem to get recommended again, again and a…

> I am so freaking sick of people recommending others to pickup either salsa or tango! Not of the people that recommend this themselves but are there really no other options? Tango/salsa classes seem to get recommended again, again and again, I get that it's a fun activity with a good gender balance, forced interaction and just enough tension to naturally provide a fun atmosphere but is there nothing else?

How about contra dance? https://trycontra.com

(I maintain that site, and play in https://freeraisins.com and https://kingfisherband.com)

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#240

Post by xenocyon »

tonystubblebine wrote: post #63
paganel wrote: post #5

As a man is pretty damn hard keeping friends after the age of 30, especially if you happen to go trough a divorce when suddenly more than half (if not more) of your friends get to “choose” the other side. Yeah, you get to ask your friends back from high-school or college out for a beer but chances are they’re also in a middle of a divorce or they’re too busy with family requirements (can’t blame them) or too stressed…

An important post-30 strategy that I use is to assume that all friends with children are prisoners in their own home. You know exactly where they are. You know they don't have plans. They are desperate for adult conversation. That means you can invite yourself over, bring takeout, and basically make their day. I'm coupled but this should work as a single. Our parent friends say it's actually easier to be friends with…

I am parent to a young child and your take is, at least in my case, ridiculously accurate. I wish more people would do this!
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