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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#231

Post by davesque »

aianus wrote: post #217
davesque wrote: post #72

American here: I've had the problem at a few different times in my life that, whenever I actually suggested to guy friends that we hang out, they interpreted it as a pass and thought I was gay. I'm not making this up at all. I think part of the problem is not just the way that priorities change as we get older but the fact that the US seems to have an extremely closed-off and anxiety-ridden culture to begin with. May…

I didn't want to be the first to say it, but it does feel very inappropriate and gay to ask another straight man that I barely know to hang out one-on-one. Which means that you need to meet potential friends through and with a group which makes it a lot more difficult.

Why do you feel that way?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#232

Post by weeksie »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #130
poulsbohemian wrote: post #46

In the past month three men, (one 45ish, another 55ish, another 74) two of whom I was barely acquainted with, have poured their souls out to me over their relationship and business troubles. I'd argue that it isn't hard to make friends, it's just hard to meet people in the first place. Men in particular get into a habit of focusing on business and family. More than once I've heard older men voice a complaint if their…

> I'd argue that it isn't hard to make friends, it's just hard to meet people in the first place. I strongly disagree; I think it's the opposite. Friendship takes time . You need to invest the time into conversation, building trust, building a relationship. You won't have a good friend after a week together.

Exactly this. The tough part about making friends in your 30s and above is that many people don't have the time to spend together to truly grow a friendship. It's tough to hang out with a potential new friend at least once per week unless you live in a dense area or city. At least that's been my experience.

It's also why quite a lot of my close friends are ~10 years younger than me—I move a lot and each new city I hit I have to make new friends. Many times that means people in their 20s that can spend leisure time like that. Probably not the best for my renal system though.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#233

Post by branchless »

poulsbohemian wrote: post #46

In the past month three men, (one 45ish, another 55ish, another 74) two of whom I was barely acquainted with, have poured their souls out to me over their relationship and business troubles. I'd argue that it isn't hard to make friends, it's just hard to meet people in the first place. Men in particular get into a habit of focusing on business and family. More than once I've heard older men voice a complaint if their…

As you know, it's anecdotal, but this may be down to rising interest rates!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#234

Post by jschwartzi »

newfoundglory wrote: post #198
poulsbohemian wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As I noted later in my comment "unless one makes a concerted effort to seek out their tribe," which agrees with your point. That stated, this being a technical forum, many of us are Myers-Briggs (if you believe in it) INTJ types -- so yes, we do potentially lack the social skills. Moreover, I reflect upon my own adulthood, where for much of it I have risen before dawn to work, skipped lunches, returned home somewhere…

I live in Seattle, and I’d say that your crazy lifestyle is why you didn’t make friends here - and that it’s probably the same cause for most people who complain about the Seattle Freeze. You worked all day and hung out with family all weekend and an amazing friendship didn’t climb down your chimney? How baffling, must be the city culture to blame. (I moved here for work out of college, and made plenty of friends - b…

I'm an introvert and am an NF type, and I'd generally agree with you. It's not the city, it's how you approach it. If you don't have friends find something to do and they will come. But you have to have the courage to make the first move. If you don't, who will?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#235

Post by WrtCdEvrydy »

jsemrau wrote: post #210
opportune wrote: post #196

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yep, that's the one I downloaded. I'm on a 5S. The problem might be that I'm on iOS 9 still, actually. I'll update later and report back

From the unit test on the 5S should be ok, let me know what happens after the update. But please don't update only because of this.

> the unit test

This is interesting...

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#236

Post by branchless »

yters wrote: post #227

We've lost the families and social institutions that once developed those relationships, and in general the ability to put up with people outside our comfort zone. If you've read CS Lewis' Great Divorce, it is his vision of hell, everyone living in their own isolated, make believe houses, ever moving farther away from each other because they cannot stand anyone else.

Which is caused by high land costs. Now we must maximize our employability, and to hell with friends, family and community. The land costs, set by loose credit from banks, must be met.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#237

Post by theli0nheart »

narrator wrote: post #147

I have tried to make guy friends and the main problem seems to be that they're boring. We just run out of stuff to talk about unless we have some business related stuff to talk about. I prefer lady friends ( AS IN FRIENDS WHO ARE FEMALE WHO I DO NOT HAVE A SEXUAL OR WORK RELATION WITH AND WHO I AM NOT TRYING TO DATE ) as there's always the flirty subtext to play around with and they are just pleasant to be around and…

Not strange at all. I’d really like to have more friends who are women, but social norms make that hard to do. Most women I hang out with are my wife’s friends or friends’ wives/girlfriends, but I feel like getting any closer than an acquaintance is culturally taboo.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#238

Post by dasil003 »

mathperson wrote: post #143
poulsbohemian wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As I noted later in my comment "unless one makes a concerted effort to seek out their tribe," which agrees with your point. That stated, this being a technical forum, many of us are Myers-Briggs (if you believe in it) INTJ types -- so yes, we do potentially lack the social skills. Moreover, I reflect upon my own adulthood, where for much of it I have risen before dawn to work, skipped lunches, returned home somewhere…

myer briggs is basically meaningless

Meh, it's a lens. The older I get, the more I appreciate different lenses and how subjective everything ultimately is. A lot of STEM-types chafe at this, and cling to empiricism as a bedrock in the tumult of human experience, but at the end of the day whether an idea has value to me is entirely orthogonal to its scientific basis or lack thereof.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#239

Post by randomdata »

Kluny wrote: post #16
ggg9990 wrote: post #3

One anecdatum: I simply lost most interest in having friends by 25. I lost the rest when I had a kid. Now my friends are my daughter’s friends parents. I don’t really like them, I just end up chit chatting with them while our daughters play.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

> Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend

Or is it that they seek a stable relationship because their social life was already starting to dwindle? And they fall back to letting their partner manage their social life because they simply wouldn't have one at all without that help.

I see it a lot in people I know. They didn't care one bit about having a stable relationship. That is until their friends started becoming busier in life, maybe some moved away for other commitments, and they started to feel lonelier and wanted someone who was going to be there for them.

All this becomes a vicious cycle as each time someone feels the group of friends is no longer able to satisfy their needs and they seek a partner, the group is fragmented even further, making it even more difficult to provide what the group needs. Eventually you reach the point where there isn't a group anymore.

While I don't know if I speak for many men, in my experience the best male friendships are comprised of multiple people. If you don't have that group, it is difficult to have the best kind of male friendship. That is not to say one-on-one friendships are bad or impossible, but it's just not quite the same.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#240

Post by brokenmachine »

ryanwaggoner wrote: post #228
Trav5 wrote: post #225

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Humans are really bad at estimating time. So it may just be consistently bad time estimation born out of optimism. The solution is still to double the amount of time you expect things to take so that you're closer to the mark.

Humans are really, really bad at lots of things, but we usually learn ways to compensate, particularly if it's important. Someone like myself who struggles with being late (due to optimism, exactly as you said) absolutely knows that they have this weakness, because it happens constantly and causes all manner of friction and problems. If you don't make any serious attempts to compensate and be better, you're just demo…

I don't need friends who don't respect my time.

I'm old and cranky too.

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