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Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

washingtonpost.com

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Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#211

Post by midhhhthrow »

dangus wrote: post #151
seydor wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I m somewhat surprised that big cities still exist and people aren't killing each other or run away

Believe it or not, big cities have pretty good quality of life and people who live there do actually have friends and social lives. I grew up in the suburbs, and I've lived in big cities, urban areas in medium sized cities, and exurbs as well. The cities aren't as different as non-urban people think. But also, they're better in a lot of the ways that most people would expect: more things to do, better food, better sh…

Cities have much lower standard of living because no one can afford shelter. There’s too much traffic which means you can’t go anywhere except walking range. So there may actually be equal or less to do in the city simply because your range is so short. And crime is huge problem too, now more than ever

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#212

Post by flamebreath447 »

kibwen wrote: post #74
haunter wrote: post #49

Not just the US but Europe too. I’m not religious but more and more I think that church (as an institution) had an actual positive effect on local communities. At least as a "force" to keep people together, have a community space etc. A space where you can meet and talk with others. My parents are Anglicans and I always liked the little tea and biscuits after each service. These things matter.

Yes, churches do have positive effects on the cohesion of a community. The problem is that the corruption of the churches has countered their positive effects with negative effects and soured people on the church as an institution. In theory, there's no reason we can't have communities with strong senses of cohesion without deferring to a church, but you have to actually build such a thing and not merely rely one to…

People have left churches for a plethora of reasons, many of which stem from the church itself being corrupt. But moreover, as you mentioned people want a sense of community without and of the accountability that Church asks.

You don’t want to tithe because you don’t trust leadership with your money.

You don’t want to be told you’re doing things wrong, or to fix some of your sins.

You don’t want a judgmental group of people who think they are better than you.

You don’t want people who say they are generous but ignore the homeless and needy around them.

You want community without the worshiping God part. You want total freedom without guilt. And you want everything you do to be accepted without judgement.

The Church doesn’t exist to stroke egos or to center around a common interest (like a hobby). It supposed to be a place where broken people come and try to look more like Jesus. Even the Pharisees were corrupt. Corruption in the church isn’t new.

I think the positive impacts of the church aren’t publicized like the negatives are, just like any other large community, so like many people just take the worst and throw the baby out with the bath water.

There are good churches. There are good people. And money is honestly accounted for and used by churches.

I highly encourage lonely people to try church. But don’t just walk in thinking it’s perfect or that everyone there is to serve you hand and foot for just attending. It’s more of a hospital with patients that are committed to seeing each other get better.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#213

Post by dalyons »

0F5 wrote: post #167

There’s nothing wrong with being alone. Being alone creates stress and stress brings mental and physical illness. Once they find a way to block stress, it won’t matter. ISR. Etc. If you want to be around people just get a job. If you want more intimate contact, get a job that brings that. Work at a daycare center and you’ll start to crave loneliness. Loneliness is a liberal thing. Move to the Midwest. People just blu…

Please don’t try to make literally everything about politics and political teams. Applying politics everywhere is getting us into a hell of a mess.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#214

Post by standardUser »

71a54xd wrote: post #122

Fortunately as a socially coy software engineer with limited social skills, I've somehow managed to find a partner with similar interests who gets me. However, after dating in New York for a few years, even with more candor my conversion rate to a third date from Hinge was 5%. This is based on around 40 dates in 2021. For some reason, dating is more palatable for skinny weird guys on the east coast? Women have insane…

"I had women ghost me or leave the table when they realized I didn't work in finance"

I've dated extensively in SF and NYC and never had anything close to that kind of experience. To me, it's all about being deliberate and particular about who you go out with before you go out with them.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#215

Post by standardUser »

guicho271828 wrote: post #54

What I (non-US) observed: non-U.S. people when talking about their own medical issues: I have this medical issue, I wonder if I should see a doctor, the cause may be this. U.S. people when talking about their own medical issues: I had this medical issue, I saw a doctor, and the cause was this. non-U.S. people when talking about their own divorce: I am thinking about divorcing my wife/husband. U.S. people when talking…

Did you have equally intimate relationships with your US and non-US friends?

Telling someone a fact that happened in your life is not especially intimate. Like if I had a surgery or got married/divorced, I would tell basically anyone who asked. It's a vastly more intimate experience to consult with a friend - for me it would be a very close friend - about an ongoing crisis in my life. I don't usually ask casual friends for their input on my relationship problems or scary medical issues. Though if I do, that's usually part of building a closer friendship.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#216

Post by ryandrake »

joe_the_user wrote: post #114
Archipelagia wrote: post #42

I the last few years I had to move contries a few times and basically rebuild my entire social circle each time – and it made me aware how much of finding friends is just a matter of logistics. I think that much of the loneliness problem comes down to people just not having a process that helps them meet new friends. In most places, there's a surprising amount of events where you can meet new people. For me it was op…

Here in Nevada City, I ran a D&D game pre-Covid. Restarting afterwards has been frustrating despite me putting considerable effort into flyering at local cafes and advertising on Meetup and Facebook. I was speaking to a friend runs a local yoga studio and event center, a lot of in-person is simply struggling. Also, it doesn't that Meetup.com is now broken in many ways - for example, it won't give me messages on my ph…

COVID decimated our local live Poker league, we'd regularly have multi-table tournaments 2019 and earlier. That obviously had to stop with the pandemic, and now, as the pandemic is slowing (but not over), nobody is around anymore. They've either lost interest or many of them have simply moved away because of remote work.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#217

Post by naikrovek »

sethammons wrote: post #36
naikrovek wrote: post #5

the article doesn't seem attribute the desire to be alone to anything, other than saying that it got a lot more common during the pandemic, but I can say why I prefer to be alone: no judgement, no one makes fun of me, no one takes advantage of me, and no one steals from me. the one and only bad thing for me is that being lonely sucks. I am not lonely, but I probably will be in a decade's time. being alone adds up ove…

> there is no such thing as a "friend." there are only people who will pretend to be a partner or friend in order to make it easier for them to steal from you unnoticed Um. No. A thousand times, "no." Yes, there are people that will steal from you and there are people who will pretend to be your friend. Friends totally exist. We recently moved and our old neighbors and friends are taking care of the yard for us while…

> We recently moved and our old neighbors and friends are taking care of the yard for us while it sells. For no other reason than to help. When we arrived to the new house, a new neighbor came over to help unload the truck just to help out.

when people help me move they have always gone through my boxes before lifting them up. multiple things go missing every time I enlist help moving.

once a neighbor asked to watch the house while I was gone for two weeks. sure, thanks! I came back to a destroyed house and people showing up late at night for weeks asking "is this the party house". my neighbor moved out while I was away for that two weeks and gave the keys to someone else, and told them to "go nuts", I was later informed.

anyone with a list of positive experiences with other people is ... well they're not on the planet that I'm on.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#218

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

I’m wondering if “time alone” includes time spent virtually, with friends.

I know it’s not the same as actually being in the same physical place, as others, but, for instance, gamers spend a ton of time together. Probably more than they would IRL.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#219

Post by 0F5 »

dalyons wrote: post #213
0F5 wrote: post #167

There’s nothing wrong with being alone. Being alone creates stress and stress brings mental and physical illness. Once they find a way to block stress, it won’t matter. ISR. Etc. If you want to be around people just get a job. If you want more intimate contact, get a job that brings that. Work at a daycare center and you’ll start to crave loneliness. Loneliness is a liberal thing. Move to the Midwest. People just blu…

Please don’t try to make literally everything about politics and political teams. Applying politics everywhere is getting us into a hell of a mess.

I say what I see. I don’t make anything to be anything. Liberal thinking vs conservative thinking is very old and has much deeper roots than “people making it about teams.” It’s a way of thinking. I personally believe that it’s largely genetic. Is been like this since the Neolithic. Modern American politics aren’t fundamentally different than roundheads vs cavaliers. And yes, loneliness is definitely a problem that is a liberal problem. After living in both worlds that’s my observation.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#220

Post by strix_varius »

cpsns wrote: post #97
EE84M3i wrote: post #92

I live in a big city, but I'm terribly lonely. - I live alone. - I work hybrid, but when I go into the office, it's more or less empty and I spend all my time on zoom calls. - My family lives far away. - I'm single. Most weeks, my only social interaction is at the local bar, where I'm a regular, or various dates from apps. Excesses of both of these is unhealthy in different ways. I've been pushing myself to go to mee…

I'm in a similar situation in a very rural area, except probably worse to some degree. I do have a couple of family members local, but there's no bars, zero dating potential, no hobby groups, and no events for people my age whatsoever. I've seriously considered moving to a city, but then I'll have to lose the tiny bit of social interaction I actually do have, my family. In some ways I want to believe I could build a…

That sounds hard to deal with! I haven't had the exact same experience, but I have spent periods of my life living in places where it was hard to build a social support structure.

One thing I noticed: it sounds like you're thinking in terms of the two most extreme decisions (stay "here" forever vs. "leave" your family to move to the city). You might be able to leverage your remote-work position to try different places, in case one of them might be a good fit for you.

Sublet an apartment or stay in a long-term AirBnB in a city that you're considering, and during that time (a couple of months, maybe?) dedicate significant energy to meeting people. If it doesn't work, then you have a better grasp on the reality of the situation - if it does, then you can extend your experiment from months to year(s).

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