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People Like You More Than You Know

blogs.scientificamerican.com

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Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#211

Post by pm90 »

gaius wrote: post #124
sureaboutthis wrote: post #23

These are true stories. I don't wish to come across as bragging. The last day of a job I had for seven years, the director of engineering told me I was the best engineer he ever knew. And he worked for some pretty well known engineering firms. If he had told me that before, I might not have left. A woman came into my office--someone who didn't seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around t…

At my previous job on my last day there was no one in my reporting line around so I went to the group next door and asked their manager if I could hand in my company BB and credit card to him instead. He was bemused but said OK. An hour later I get a call, I have to come over there urgently. When I get there, that guy has organised me a leaving party on the fly. There were 30 people, cakes, and a card full of nice me…

> This started happening to me after I got married.

Social signalling is very important. The fact that you're married is a signal to others that you're stable/good/OK enough that another human being has committed to spend their life with you, to start a family with you, to be exclusive with you etc. It is signalling maturity which many folks find calming and attractive.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#212

Post by pm90 »

mostlysilent wrote: post #18
finaliteration wrote: post #4

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I’m convinced that they aren’t constantly annoyed by me and everything that I say. I hide it pretty well. Sartre was on to something with his comments about “the gaze of the Other”.

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm able to hold a conversation that's more than direct answers to direct questions. It's impossible to hide pretty well, or at all really. Everyone I've ever known says something like "you don't talk much, do you" or something equally obvious. I used to wonder if people ask others the obvious "you're fat, aren't you" etc. I've learnt that few peop…

> I used to wonder if people ask others the obvious "you're fat, aren't you" etc.

I think this is mostly because fat-shaming is a thing in many cultures; a very toxic phenomena that has caused much unnecessary anguish.

> I read articles that open with "all it takes is a little conversation". Gee thanks. That's the hardest thing I know, and getting harder the further into being an adult I get.

I have no advice for you, but I really wanted to say: I'm sorry that you've had a life like that.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#213

Post by pm90 »

DoofusOfDeath wrote: post #36
FPGAhacker wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, basically this. I personally don’t like people asking me a lot of questions, and so for a long time I assumed this was generally true. Apparently it isn’t. People like to talk about their lives. I guess my main reason for not liking people asking me questions is how their eyes glaze over and they start fidgeting when I answer. Maybe it’s me. I find it pretty annoying so I give terse answers or deflect in one wa…

I'm no ace at social interactions, so please treat the following as a straw-man theory, but... I wonder if you (and I) sometimes fail to recognize when the person asking those questions is actually communicating something different (e.g., they want to become more friendly with you). But we fail to recognize that they're using a cultural idiom to do so. A neuro-psychologist has told me that based on some testing I've…

You're definitely on the right track. Human communication is rarely just about the words that you speak. Your speech intonation, pauses, body language etc. speak volumes. Those that don't understand these things well tend to not "get" what others are trying to tell them via all the non-verbal stuff.

Initially it seemed extremely confusing to me; why would someone ask/tell me something when they meant something different? What did they really mean when they said something? Those questions continue to cause me much anxiety but I am beginning to learn more about these non-verbal communication skills.

It kinda make sense that this is more common with nerds/geeks: we spend an awful lot more time with ourselves and things we like doing rather than socially with peers/friends/relationships. The people who tend to be more social, learn more social skills this way... kind of a chicken and egg problem.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#214

Post by pm90 »

coldtea wrote: post #46
FPGAhacker wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, basically this. I personally don’t like people asking me a lot of questions, and so for a long time I assumed this was generally true. Apparently it isn’t. People like to talk about their lives. I guess my main reason for not liking people asking me questions is how their eyes glaze over and they start fidgeting when I answer. Maybe it’s me. I find it pretty annoying so I give terse answers or deflect in one wa…

> Apparently it isn’t. People like to talk about their lives. Us nerds usually don't, but most people LOVE it. (And even us, nerds etc, it's until we got a bond/trust with someone. Then you can't stop us from talking either -- e.g. in any sci-fi or tech convention where some nerds are gathered...).

Which annoys the shit out of regular people and is one of the reasons they shun us, I've come to learn.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#215

Post by hashkb »

I highly doubt this is true. More likely, people won't officially admit how much they hate each other. But all you have to do is listen to any group talk about an absent friend to hear reliably negative feedback.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#216

Post by DoreenMichele »

travisjungroth wrote: post #210
DoreenMichele wrote: post #184

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not table salt. The best is Celtic Sea Salt. After that is various other brands of sea salt, Himalayan salt, kosher salt, canning and pickling salt.

How are these other salts better for you than table salt?

Table salt has problematic additives. One of the additives is an anti-caking ingredient. It is the reason table salt pours easily. Other forms of salt tend to clump up.

Sea salt also has additional micronutrients. It isn't just sodium chloride.

Not necessarily a huge issue if you are perfectly healthy, but it makes a surprisingly large difference if there is anything wrong that intersects with these chemicals in some manner.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#217

Post by Regardsyjc »

akvadrako wrote: post #156
grecht wrote: post #138

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think you got that wrong, he didn't say they were coworkers. But sure, that'd be very different.

No it wouldn't.

A coworker stared at my boobs for a little too long and I felt immediately uncomfortable and put a jacket on. If he ever expressed interest in a romantic relationship, I would feel really uncomfortable, and probably quit.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#218

Post by mindentropy »

javelin11 wrote: post #68
NoPicklez wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You might hold the opinions of your wife and daughter higher given your point in time, which I'd agree with. However, others opinions of course matter, no they shouldn't totally control how you think about yourself but they certainly do have an impact on how you perceive yourself. For those that perhaps don't have a wife or daughter, then the opinions of others of course have a higher weighting.

I can see how this is a natural tendency that we have all fallen victim to, but I wonder if the idea of self-worth has gotten twisted. In reality, people have misconceptions about other people all the time, and it does us no good to constantly worry that others’ impression of us may not be what we want it to be. Perhaps the better approach is living day in day out how you want to live and the people you’d want to be…

Things don't happen "naturally". It takes effort/work to do anything. Therefore there is very rarely natural attraction. It takes work/effort to make people respect and like you.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#219

Post by thelasthuman »

LandR wrote: post #154
ListeningPie wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The quote is also further up the thread and I'm repeating my comment, but how do you interpret the last line of the quote. The first line is how I see myself, the second how you see me, then from who's perspective is the last line?

It's confusing isn't it... I think it's you will become the person you think other people think you are? Like you might not be an asshole, people might not think you are an asshole but if you believe that people think you are an asshole you will become an asshole.

So then "you're the average of the company you keep"?

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#220

Post by kulahan »

Balgair wrote: post #39
sureaboutthis wrote: post #23

These are true stories. I don't wish to come across as bragging. The last day of a job I had for seven years, the director of engineering told me I was the best engineer he ever knew. And he worked for some pretty well known engineering firms. If he had told me that before, I might not have left. A woman came into my office--someone who didn't seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around t…

Also, not trying to brag: I've also been told similar things, usually by people that thought less of me (or so I thought, sometimes for years). Typically it's a 'last day' phenomenon. I've had a fair few experiences where I was leaving a place and thought everyone had hated me, but, like you, I was totally wrong. There is one glaring exception though: my winter coat. It's really the only piece of clothing that I have…

Holy crap, I'd expect a coat like that to be $150 easily.
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