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How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

nytimes.com

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Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#211

Post by crucini »

55555 wrote: post #166
BurningFrog wrote: post #112

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> move to a place that will make me happy I'm sorry, but that is not how it works. You are what's making you unhappy, and that's what you have to change. The good thing is you have plenty of free time to do it in, and all the power to do it.

Unfortunately, as someone who has lived in many, many places, this is true. People are socializing everywhere and if you're lonely where you are, you will probably be lonely anywhere. Unless you're flamboyantly gay in Aleppo, or something, moving probably won't affect your ability to socialize too much.

However. I've found there is a period of increased energy upon moving to a new city. During this period, I am more open and alert, more willing to start conversations that may not end well.

When you live in a place for years, a mental cocoon forms that blocks out most of the stimuli.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#212

Post by bendoernberg »

TheRealDunkirk wrote: post #162
bogomipz wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>'I gotta ask: why the focus on "new research"?' I think this passage is key, I had not heard this postulated before: "New research suggests that loneliness is not necessarily the result of poor social skills or lack of social support, but can be caused in part by unusual sensitivity to social cues. Lonely people are more likely to perceive ambiguous social cues negatively, and enter a self-preservation mind-set — wo…

Totally agree. I think the internet and social media have just exacerbated the existing problem that society is fracturing into countless splinter groups, with no tolerance for any of the others' views, and it's really difficult to find and keep up with those handful of people you can actually tolerate enough to keep a close social bond with. I don't think that it takes a degree in sociology, or a controlled study, t…

FWIW communities coming together in times of emergency is a pretty universal experience, not unique to the US in the 1940's (the UK's home front experience during WW2 [1] is cited as an example most often I think). A book I've been meaning to read for a while is "A Paradise Built in Hell" by Rebecca Solnit. From the Washington Post review [2]:

"Her book is worth reading for its storytelling alone. But what makes it even more fascinating is Solnit's demonstration that disasters give rise to small, temporary utopias in which the best of human nature emerges and a remarkable spirit of generosity and cooperation takes over. 'Disaster,' she writes, 'along with moments of social upheaval, is when the shackles of conventional belief and role fall away and the possibilities open up.' People suffering unimaginable misfortune often revert not to savagery but to an almost beatific selflessness, comforting themselves in extremis by aiding others. Solnit cites many examples of those who remember a disaster as, paradoxically, one of the great moments of their lives. The reaction is similar to that of some who recall the Great Depression as a time of spiritual and social richness."

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Home_front_during_World_War_II...

[2] http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08...

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#213

Post by matt101589 »

jokoon wrote: post #133

When I was starting to use facebook in 2007, I thought it was the greatest thing ever to meet people and do things. I still think that the internet can make people who live near each other meet and socialize. I don't understand why no site like this is being created, and why facebook has become so alienating instead of becoming a site that encourage exclusivity between friends. People are really adopting the jetset a…

I'm trying to start something that you described. Check it out TheCoopApp.com and let me know what you think.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#214

Post by matt101589 »

brilliantcode wrote: post #191
finid wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To some extent, Meetups help. It's not just an opportunity to hear about the latest in a filed that you have an interest in, but also an avenue to meet-and-greet.

I always found Meetups impersonal and difficult to socialize in large crowds due to my debilating social anxiety. Btw, nobody showed up yesterday but I haven't given up. I'm here from 9am ~ 5pm near Robson Square. Coffee (or tea) is on me. If you are not in Vancouver then shoot me an email, you can talk about anything.

I found Meetup to be the same way for me. So I'm starting something that allows you to limit how many people can join and have the option to create plans without needing a Meetup Group. Check it out TheCoopApp.com and let me know what you think.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#215

Post by navait »

SeanDav wrote: post #201
navait wrote: post #175

From my perspective, I think most people want to be socially isolated, or at the very least, never change their social bubble. After completing school, I didn't want to be lonely when living in the working world. So I bought a few books on socializing, picked up swing dance, went to meetups, took adult education classes and volunteered in the US election. After 16 months of continuous practice, I have made 0 friends.…

This is going to sound terribly judgemental, but have you considered that the problem might lie with you? It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing in terms of meeting new people but the fact that your results are very poor, seems to suggest you are not doing something correctly, or are putting people off in some way. Just show an interest in people, without being creepy. Respect boundaries but show you ar…

No, it's true, it's my problem. But I don't know what. I have good hygiene. I did a lot of research into fashion and purchased a well fitting wardrobe. I think I might come across as odd for reasons nobody will be honest with me about.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#216

Post by brilliantcode »

matt101589 wrote: post #214
brilliantcode wrote: post #191

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I always found Meetups impersonal and difficult to socialize in large crowds due to my debilating social anxiety. Btw, nobody showed up yesterday but I haven't given up. I'm here from 9am ~ 5pm near Robson Square. Coffee (or tea) is on me. If you are not in Vancouver then shoot me an email, you can talk about anything.

I found Meetup to be the same way for me. So I'm starting something that allows you to limit how many people can join and have the option to create plans without needing a Meetup Group. Check it out TheCoopApp.com and let me know what you think.

interesting idea. is this native or pwa?

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#217

Post by tdfx »

navait wrote: post #180
tdfx wrote: post #177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just like anything else, people want social interactions that are stimulating and rewarding. Being around other people for the sake of being around other warm bodies is typically not very interesting for most people. Who has no shortage of friends? People with obvious value propositions. Rich or influential people. Well connected people. Good looking people. People who already have a lot of friends. It's strange to t…

I am rich, and don't have many friends.

Well, money itself really doesn't put you ahead. You can be a rich guy who owns a bunch of real estate and nobody would notice. Buy the Miss USA pageant and all of a sudden lots of beautiful girls really want to get to know you. If you're not that rich, settle for being the money guy of a popular nightclub.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#218

Post by tdfx »

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #184
tdfx wrote: post #177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just like anything else, people want social interactions that are stimulating and rewarding. Being around other people for the sake of being around other warm bodies is typically not very interesting for most people. Who has no shortage of friends? People with obvious value propositions. Rich or influential people. Well connected people. Good looking people. People who already have a lot of friends. It's strange to t…

Maybe for some obvious exception cases. But for the bulk of the bell curve, who are not particularly influential or handsome, it's more to do with coincidence of social position. Lucking into a friendly crowd at work for instance.

Sure, social position is influence. In my experience, people have been more impressed by social position than wealth.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#219

Post by nathan_f77 »

I'm an introvert. I'm also a remote worker, and I no longer attend church. I was very involved in the church when I was growing up, so I'm well aware that my life is now lacking something, in terms of connection and a sense of community.

I've recently been searching for some alternatives. There's Unitarian Universalists [1], who welcomes people from any faith, including atheists and agnostics. You can discuss any religion openly, and they have regular services on Sunday where you can socialize, enjoy some music, and listen to a speaker.

There's also the Rotary Club [2], where people regularly meet for meals, and work to help their community. Then there's the Freemasons, but I don't think that's for me.

I might like to organize a secular humanist "church" or club with regular meetings and meals. I think it would be nice to have discussions about philosophy and science, maybe watch some documentaries and talks together, and have a book club.

Another random thought on the topic of isolation: St. John's runs a "caring caller" [3] service in New Zealand, where people can volunteer to call elderly people on the phone, and just have conversations with them. If I'm ever back in New Zealand, I think I would like to get involved with that.

Also in New Zealand: The High Street Cohousing project [4] in Dunedin. I think it's a fantastic idea. I love the idea of a shared community space, and the sustainability. I'm seriously thinking about getting involved, or maybe I can buy one of the houses in the future.

I enjoy living in Chiang Mai, and it's not too hard to meet people here. There are plenty of meetups and groups to join. I meet a lot of digital nomads who come and go, but my wife and I have a small group of friends that are living here long term. There's also a Rotary Club here that we have been thinking about joining.

My wife and I have also been rewatching Gilmore Girls. We agree that it would be really nice to live somewhere like their fictional town of Stars Hollow, in Connecticut. The main reason is to be part of a close-knit community, but also because that area has distinct seasons (especially fall and winter), beautiful architecture, history, and close proximity to New York. I ended up reading quite a lot of articles and blog posts from people who want the same thing, and have visited similar towns in Connecticut. One blog post was a bit depressing [5]. They are saying that this town could never exist, because of big-box stores like Walmart who are killing many small businesses.

YC has a plan to build a new city, so I hope they are thinking about these things. I think the issues of community and isolation might be more important than anything else.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unitarian_Universalism

[2] https://www.rotary.org/en

[3] http://www.stjohn.org.nz/What-we-do/Community-programmes/Car...

[4] http://highstreetcohousing.nz/

[5] https://thecompletistblog.wordpress.com/2014/06/06/stars-hol...

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#220

Post by nommm-nommm »

closeparen wrote: post #107
nommm-nommm wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can confirm, I've been to many social gatherings hosted in Manhattan studios.

Having your own studio in Manhattan puts you so far into stratospheric income (or a family heirloom rent controlled lease) that we may as well be talking about the problems of private jet owners. I'm talking about the kind of people who have to choose between part of a shared apartment in a conveniently transit-connected part of SF/Manhattan, or their own studio/1-bedroom somewhere with low density and poor transit.…

Ehhhhh... What? All my NYC friends are below average in income. None are software engineers and of course they all rent. Their housing costs are probably a very significant part of their income as well, but I've seen a lot of higher income people do the same with McMansions. A few ended up moving to Brooklyn too for cheaper rent.

I don't live in the NY metro area but I visit several times a year since I got friends there. I always crash on the couch.

I vary rarely socialize with people with high income because, one, I grew up poor so most of my childhood friends are still below average in income but more importantly I find it very difficult to relate to people who grew up well off. Sometimes I hear my co-workers talk and I feel I am living on a different planet.

As far as shared housing, yes, 99% of college kids live in shared housing and the vast majority of them still socialize.

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