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Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

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Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#201

Post by rednafi »

lnsru wrote: post #187
rednafi wrote: post #176

Parenting is one of the hardest things I will probably ever do in my life. I grew up in a middle-class family in SEA, and when I came to the West, I realized what a fantastic job my parents did raising me. Here, things are quite different. Many upper-middle-class families struggle to provide stability, proper education, and a loving environment—things we always took for granted growing up. This isn't a denigration of…

My some friends and almost all neighbors could be my grandparents by age. And they love to invite me for a tea and share their memories. West was wildly different back then. Much better with rising economy and much better vibe. Traveling with kids was normal. Like Barcelona, Nice, Paris were normal destinations (I am in Germany). Skiing in the Alps absolutely normal even for poorer families. Rents were high, but not…

> Skiing in the Alps was absolutely normal even for poorer families. Rents were high, but not impossible. Job stability was there, and infrastructure was built in their eyes.

I'm in Germany too. Rent in Berlin makes me glaze over this sentence with dreamy eyes. Despite being in tech and paying taxes in the 90th percentile, these big cities always find ways to drive you crazy. I don't have kids yet, but I'm not sure I'll be able to shield them from all of this shit as well as my parents did.

> Now the same train is constantly late and occasionally canceled.

Tell me more.

> And one old guy told me openly that he doesn't envy me raising kids today. It’s kinda stupid when a pay raise doesn’t cover inflation and increasing taxes.

I don't wanna be rich. I just want my pay to cover my yearly expense increases. It's getting more expensive every year, and people are scared shitless because of layoffs. Most people don’t even bring up raises to their managers. No wonder westerners don’t want kids—people just can’t afford them comfortably anymore.

> The ancient school system is stuck producing factory workers for factories that are long gone. It’s just a hard time to be a parent.

Schools aren’t qualified to teach kids the right things. Parents aren’t qualified either; it’s just that Americans like to think homeschooling is the way. It’s not—many of the parents I’ve seen homeschooling didn’t even go to college.

People make so much more money in the West, but my parents live a far more comfortable life in Bangladesh than I do. They’re retired, live in an apartment three times the size of mine, and have enough not to rely on anyone. Plus, all the SEA shit doesn’t affect them now that they’re out of work. I envy them so much.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#202

Post by watwut »

silisili wrote: post #85
opdahl wrote: post #79

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You reject that peoples personalities are shaped by their environment? What if instead of focusing on location but instead focused on time period. Do you think there would be behavioral differences between a child born to a middle class family now compared to one 1,000 years ago? What about 10,000 years ago? Rejecting the premise that the environment shapes who we are and the type of people we become sounds extremely…

> You reject that peoples personalities are shaped by their environment No, I reject that you can tell anything meaningful about the environment by country. Or even state. Or even neighborhood! Japan itself could fit into the US 25 times by area. Are kids raised in SF the same as those raised in Alabama? Or NY vs Phoenix? It'd be insane to make any generalities about a country so large and diverse, IMO. Heck, kids in…

You don't believe that what parents do has impact on kids? Or, you don't believe that parents in one culture can treat kids differently then parents from culture qirh different values?

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#203

Post by guappa »

graemep wrote: post #140
guappa wrote: post #123

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Funny you should think there are spain and finland are similar at all.

I did not actually mention either, but they are very similar viewed from a non-western perspective.

I mean, the same perspective that people have when they say all asians look identical? :D Then yes, sure.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#205

Post by watwut »

rahimnathwani wrote: post #28
watwut wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Marshmallow test is one of those things real psychologists (whether practical or science) just do not care all that much about, but pop culture is sure obsessed with it.

The original paper has been cited 2000 times: https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C5&scioq=... That's a lot of citations for something they 'just do not care' about.

Some keep writing whether it replicates and usually conclude it does not or only weakly.

They do not actually care about it as something valid relevant to practice or to build new research on. Because it frequently fails to reproduce.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#206

Post by watwut »

MrBuddyCasino wrote: post #78
gretch wrote: post #10

People always use the marshmallow test as a sign that the participant can’t delay gratification. But what if they just understand time-value-of-marshmallow. Sometimes marshmallow now is better than marshmallow later.

Like most everything else in social psychology, the Marshmallow Test is (largely) bullshit [0]. [0] "Delay of gratification and adult outcomes: The Marshmallow Test does not reliably predict adult functioning" https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/cdev.14...

Don't fault social psychologists for what pop culture does with what they wrote. Even author of the marshmallow test experiment is arguing against this simplistic interpretation of it.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#207

Post by noisy_boy »

potato3732842 wrote: post #153
noisy_boy wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'm against broad brush stroke categorization about how different countries behave. Ok - pick any conservative country (say India or Indonesia). Now tell me that the chances of an average Indonesian woman wearing a bikini to a beach (pretty normal in most Western countries) is same as an average French woman? Or for a less gender-charged example, chances of an average Saudi eating Pork vs an average American. Note…

>Ok - pick any conservative country (say India or Indonesia). Now tell me that the chances of an average Indonesian woman wearing a bikini to a beach (pretty normal in most Western countries) is same as an average French woman? The strongest predictor for both the French and the Indonesian is almost certainly going to be the individuals physique and and the second is probably going to be the country and prevailing cu…

> The strongest predictor for both the French and the Indonesian is almost certainly going to be the individuals physique

I take it that you have either never been to a beach or the one you have been to is only open to athletes and supermodels.

> the second is probably going to be the country and prevailing culture in which the beach is located (i.e. what everyone else is wearing)

So you haven't had the chance of seeing Indonesian woman wearing full headgear and clothes covering their body having fun at a beach far away from Indonesia? Not joking, they were having a genuinely good time - from direct experience.

The world is much bigger and has far greater variety of people, customs and norms than you can imagine.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#208

Post by watwut »

jaapz wrote: post #97
eloisius wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Must not be the same Taiwan I live in. When I go out to eat I constantly see mom, dad, and kid all zonked on their own devices (usually a phone, granted, not an iPad) instead of having a meal "together." I've also seen plenty of meltdown tantrums. If I had to square your observation, I'd say it's just because there are fewer kids, period, than almost anywhere because people aren't having them.

I love threads like this One person going "X doesn't happen in Y" is almost always followed by someone saying the exact opposite, solidifying the fact that we all live in our own bubbles, often experiencing the same things in completely different ways Kind of reminds me of when you buy a certain car, you are suddenly primed to see that same car model everywhere, while before you weren't aware of them at all.

Frankly a lot of people go by what they see in media rather then reality. People who belive a country X have only well behaved toddlers especially.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#209

Post by latexr »

gretch wrote: post #10

People always use the marshmallow test as a sign that the participant can’t delay gratification. But what if they just understand time-value-of-marshmallow. Sometimes marshmallow now is better than marshmallow later.

Yes! I personally find marshmallows underwhelming. If you gave me one or two I might eat them. But if the choice is between “eat one now and you’re free to go do whatever you want” or “stay locked alone in this room for a quarter of an hour and you get two”, the latter is a worse proposition.

I’m perfectly content with being with my own thoughts for hours, but being forced to do nothing for a crummy reward when a better alternative is right there is not compelling.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#210

Post by lazystar »

axegon_ wrote: post #62

My mom has this very interesting theory: A parent needs to be by a child's side for the first 6-7 years of their life and devote all their time to it. Which is what she did with me. My dad stepped up for the challenge and provided for both of us. My mom had one goal: to make sure that I'd stay curious. She taught me how to read at the age of 4, signed me up for piano lessons(I haven't played piano at all nearly 3 dec…

> Last time I saw these children, they were >10 years old and they had no clue how to use a fork and a knife.

Shoutout to the adults like myself that grew up like this. On the one hand, you develop outside the box thinking, because you had to learn everything via trial-by-eroror - no one taught you how to think inside the box. On the other hand, it's tough to trust or ask anyone for help.

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