Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids • Hacker News Board

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#181

Post by nemo44x » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 12:28 PM UTC

TheAlchemist wrote: post #166

"Another thing I’ve noticed is how much modeling matters. My daughter watches everything I do. If I tell her to wait and then lose my patience two seconds later because the internet is slow, what’s the lesson there?" As a father of 3 kids, I can confirm 100% this is true. Once you understand that, your life changes completely. You realize there is somebody in this world, who will model their life after yours. What ki…

It’s 100% true. It’s heartbreaking when a toddler does something you don’t approve of and you ask them why and they point to something you did.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#182

Post by t43562 » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 12:29 PM UTC

cylemons wrote: post #112

t43562 wrote: post #67

I know this comment invites disaster but.....what is heaven other than the ultimate delayed gratification? i.e. don't worry about your miserable life as a serf toiling for the lord of the manor 6 days a week because if you're good now you'll be happy after you die. You can imagine the aristocracy laughing to themselves about that idea. Nowadays we get told to save money...but I'm from Zimbabwe where saving money was…

Did things get better after dollarization?

I wasn't there but I think dollarization brought stability. There was no need to rush off to spend your money.

The "elite" don't really benefit from dollarization though. The currency was a way for them to rob everyone without even trying. All the big black market money dealing companies were ultimately owned by the big players in ZANUPF. So they profited from the difference between the official exchange rate and the black market one. They were able to use their influence to get dollars at the official rate and sell at the unofficial one.

So for that and other (more reasonable) reasons they have tried to reintroduce a currency. The place is so humped that I don't know if it can ever be fixed. This is what you get for electing demagogues. I say that as a warning to those of you who think national pride is a substitute for intelligent behavior.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#183

Post by wvh » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 12:31 PM UTC

silisili wrote: post #33

I feel like this article is good, on the verge of great, then makes cultural comments that invalidate the point trying to be made for no real reason. Like the race or location of the parent determines their childhood? The rest is spot on. I became a parent before I was ready, and man, they are little sponges. They learn everything you do, everything you say, embarrassingly so. My 5 year old would lay on the couch to…

Wholeheartedly agree. Can't teach kids to eat broccoli if you don't eat it yourself, they're just too perceptive. I don't like phones myself, but sadly enough, it is becoming hard to keep up with society (e.g. sports groups) or even outright not accepted to be "offline" anymore. It becomes a tricky balancing act to teach your own pre-teens to deal with being left out versus fighting the dopamine goblin. I don't think technology is bad, nor food for that matter, but we really as a society have to overcome our monkey brains. We ought to be better informed about how our brains work, especially as parents responsible for developing brains; and we ought to have basic neurology taught in schools to give the new generation a fighting chance against the rapid pace of technological advancement.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#184

Post by ChrisGreenHeur » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 12:32 PM UTC

kaptainscarlet wrote: post #165

jaapz wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I love threads like this One person going "X doesn't happen in Y" is almost always followed by someone saying the exact opposite, solidifying the fact that we all live in our own bubbles, often experiencing the same things in completely different ways Kind of reminds me of when you buy a certain car, you are suddenly primed to see that same car model everywhere, while before you weren't aware of them at all.

That is why they say an anecdote is not data

An anecdote is exactly one data.

You cannot extrapolate on one data point.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#185

Post by aqueueaqueue » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 12:36 PM UTC

silisili wrote: post #33

I feel like this article is good, on the verge of great, then makes cultural comments that invalidate the point trying to be made for no real reason. Like the race or location of the parent determines their childhood? The rest is spot on. I became a parent before I was ready, and man, they are little sponges. They learn everything you do, everything you say, embarrassingly so. My 5 year old would lay on the couch to…

Is it better if the phone is a book and you read alot. That might be something to encourage?

I guess it is still an isolated activity from the kid, but at least the message is "read books" over "stare at addictive device".

You can also talk about the book with your kids and they see different covers each day and may be curious (and may pick it up)

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#186

Post by cyrillite » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 12:36 PM UTC

dtgriscom wrote: post #175

I've always taken comfort from the fact that my two boys were different on day zero. This tells me that although I have a great deal of influence on them, it isn't all up to me: it's both nurture and nature. (Takes a bit of the pressure off.)

Yes, but outcomes are largely multi-realisable. It’s true that nature has a big role to play, but I think a lot of that role is expressed in how it changes nurture dynamics.

A shy child might not develop productive, healthy confrontation and resolution skills if nurture isn’t sensitive to that factor and willing to create an environment where those skills are learned.

My nature affected my parents nurture, as well as my other caregivers, mentors, and teachers. I think that’s the more significant role of nature. Nurturers could be much more attuned to this and more mindfully think through how to test for and pursue the right end goals, given different natures.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#187

Post by lnsru » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 12:37 PM UTC

rednafi wrote: post #176

Parenting is one of the hardest things I will probably ever do in my life. I grew up in a middle-class family in SEA, and when I came to the West, I realized what a fantastic job my parents did raising me. Here, things are quite different. Many upper-middle-class families struggle to provide stability, proper education, and a loving environment—things we always took for granted growing up. This isn't a denigration of…

My some friends and almost all neighbors could be my grandparents by age. And they love to invite me for a tea and share their memories. West was wildly different back then. Much better with rising economy and much better vibe. Traveling with kids was normal. Like Barcelona, Nice, Paris were normal destinations (I am in Germany). Skiing in the Alps absolutely normal even for poorer families. Rents were high, but not impossible. The job stability was there and infrastructure was built in their eyes. They saw when train line was built and the train started coming every two hours, every hour, every twenty minutes. Now the same train is constantly late and occasionally canceled. And one old guy told me openly, that he’s not envy me rising kids today. It’s kinda stupid when pay rise does not cover inflation and increasing taxes. Infrastructure is collapsing. Ancient school system is stuck producing factory workers for factories that are long gone. It’s just hard time being a parent.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#188

Post by desunit » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 12:38 PM UTC

netcan wrote: post #119

silisili wrote: post #33

I feel like this article is good, on the verge of great, then makes cultural comments that invalidate the point trying to be made for no real reason. Like the race or location of the parent determines their childhood? The rest is spot on. I became a parent before I was ready, and man, they are little sponges. They learn everything you do, everything you say, embarrassingly so. My 5 year old would lay on the couch to…

Well written comment... compliments the article well. I think you inserting the objections to the culture/country part yourself. I don't think they are present in the actual article. The central idea here is that children are shaped by their environment, the people around them and those people's behaviour. They sponge up behaviours of their parents, peers and such. But... it's not all mimicry and habits. It's also a…

I think you’ve raised a great topic, and it could serve as the foundation for another post. One study found that the environment plays the most significant role here, especially the nonshared environment (outside siblings/family). This challenges the traditional view that growing up in the same household has a major influence on personality and intelligence.

Source: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3147063/

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#189

Post by aqueueaqueue » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 12:41 PM UTC

gretch wrote: post #10

People always use the marshmallow test as a sign that the participant can’t delay gratification. But what if they just understand time-value-of-marshmallow. Sometimes marshmallow now is better than marshmallow later.

> time-value-of-marshmallow

Bravo! Love that phrase. Some freakonomics shit happening there...

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#190

Post by cyrillite » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 12:42 PM UTC

JohnMakin wrote: post #146

This is spot on - I came from a very abusive and neglectful home, bordering on torture, and the way it carries into my life into my middle age is funny to look back on when it comes to “scientific” studies like the marshmellow test. In many ways, my early distrustful experiences have led me to become stronger in other ways that make up for my weaknesses. Not everyone is like this, unfortunately, and I very much agree…

Yes. Adversity is only good for development if it’s a strong enough signal to require growth while also being within the range of adaptability, relative to your environment (support system, resources, etc.).

A given event might wipe out Child A, might cause adaptation in Child B, and might be within the recoverable range but above the adaptive threshold for Child C. The reliable path to growth is small but sufficient challenge, response, adaptation and recovery, repeat as frequently as is beneficial.