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Why making friends as an adult is harder

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Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#201

Post by Cumpiler69 »

mikem170 wrote: post #170
phil21 wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhaustin…

> For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. I wonder if this would vary by country and culture? I wonder if there is a statistically noticeable difference in experience between places lik…

>countries like Spain and Italy which have a reputation for having a better work/life balance

Where is this reputation coming from? Every single engineer from Greece and Italy and some from France I met complained about long working hours being the norm and a cultural issue there. If he left the office before 4PM the boss would ask him "are you only having a half day today?" with the expectation being workday is at least till 6pm.

I feel like this is some overly romanticized picture coming from Americans or rich northern europeans who think people in southern Europe are lazy and chilling all day instead of working their butts off, because that's what they saw in movies or on their holidays there.

It's actually the opposite. Workers in work focused but rich countries with strong economies have better WLB than workers in laid back countries but with struggling/stagnating economies.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#202

Post by cableshaft »

PittleyDunkin wrote: post #18
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?

> And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups?

Meetup still works, although it is slowly enshittifying, I would agree. Taking away features that had always been there systematically so they can sell a subscription service to everyone. Ugh.

But for now you can still see lists of meetup events and descriptions and sign up to attend those events without paying.

If it weren't for Meetup I wouldn't have stumbled upon a local movies and dinner group last year that has quite a few people I really relate to and we now plan other activities outside of meetup as well. Trying out a few other new meetups next year as well that look maybe a bit promising.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#203

Post by defrost »

Jensson wrote: post #197
defrost wrote: post #154

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That seems like a local from your PoV thing. That overwhelming majority of people I know that have been doing WFH on and off for a decade work regular hours and spend the remainder (time otherwise commuting) socialising (outside the house), sports, gardening, building projects, etc. IRL AFK at least - the 24/7 gamers and shutin's likely have a different world view, but they appear to be in a minoity albeit one perhap…

> That overwhelming majority of people I know You probably wont get to know a lot of people who don't go outside their house, so pretty biased sample there.

At least as biased as the sample of the commenter I replied to.

Which is pretty much the subtext of my comment.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#204

Post by mejutoco »

Cumpiler69 wrote: post #201
mikem170 wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. I wonder if this would vary by country and culture? I wonder if there is a statistically noticeable difference in experience between places lik…

>countries like Spain and Italy which have a reputation for having a better work/life balance Where is this reputation coming from? Every single engineer from Greece and Italy and some from France I met complained about long working hours being the norm and a cultural issue there. If he left the office before 4PM the boss would ask him "are you only having a half day today?" with the expectation being workday is at l…

> better WLB than workers in laid back countries but with struggling/stagnating economies.

Spain is not a struggling economy. Source: an article on the Economist this week about Spain growing at a similar pace as the US this year.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#205

Post by Cumpiler69 »

mejutoco wrote: post #204
Cumpiler69 wrote: post #201

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>countries like Spain and Italy which have a reputation for having a better work/life balance Where is this reputation coming from? Every single engineer from Greece and Italy and some from France I met complained about long working hours being the norm and a cultural issue there. If he left the office before 4PM the boss would ask him "are you only having a half day today?" with the expectation being workday is at l…

> better WLB than workers in laid back countries but with struggling/stagnating economies. Spain is not a struggling economy. Source: an article on the Economist this week about Spain growing at a similar pace as the US this year.

The economy of many poor African and Asian countries is also growing, that doesn't mean the economy is stellar and that WLB is amazing.

Also, GDP growth is a shit measurements of WLB and general welfare of the working population.

For example, if a lot of rich foreigners, tourists and retirees are buying properties and spending money on Airbnbs in your sunny country lifting up the GDP that has no impact on the welfare and WLB of white collar workers working in software or hardware engineering for example.

Which is how Spain still has one of the highest youth unemployment rares in the EU.

But yeah, Spain is a bit better, but Italy WLB is definitely nothing to write him about according to Italians who emigrated.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#206

Post by valval »

phil21 wrote: post #88
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhaustin…

Being an extroverted libertarian, I sort of struggle with this topic. What are we supposed to do with people who can’t take care of their own mental health? Force them? Wait until they become a burden on the rest of us?

It seems to me like there are no good options.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#207

Post by mejutoco »

Cumpiler69 wrote: post #205
mejutoco wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> better WLB than workers in laid back countries but with struggling/stagnating economies. Spain is not a struggling economy. Source: an article on the Economist this week about Spain growing at a similar pace as the US this year.

The economy of many poor African and Asian countries is also growing, that doesn't mean the economy is stellar and that WLB is amazing. Also, GDP growth is a shit measurements of WLB and general welfare of the working population. For example, if a lot of rich foreigners, tourists and retirees are buying properties and spending money on Airbnbs in your sunny country lifting up the GDP that has no impact on the welfare…

Spain and Italy are in the top 6 economies in Europe (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_sovereign_states_in_...) I do not think your comparison to some developing economies applies.

I really recommend the economist article I mentioned. Spain has much to improve but some of those prejudices are becoming unfounded.

The original claim was

> laid back countries but with struggling/stagnating economies.

And it has been proven Spain s economy is not stagnating. That is false.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#208

Post by Cumpiler69 »

mejutoco wrote: post #207
Cumpiler69 wrote: post #205

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The economy of many poor African and Asian countries is also growing, that doesn't mean the economy is stellar and that WLB is amazing. Also, GDP growth is a shit measurements of WLB and general welfare of the working population. For example, if a lot of rich foreigners, tourists and retirees are buying properties and spending money on Airbnbs in your sunny country lifting up the GDP that has no impact on the welfare…

Spain and Italy are in the top 6 economies in Europe ( https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_sovereign_states_in_... ) I do not think your comparison to some developing economies applies. I really recommend the economist article I mentioned. Spain has much to improve but some of those prejudices are becoming unfounded. The original claim was > laid back countries but with struggling/stagnating economies. And it has…

>Spain and Italy are in the top 6 economies in Europe

This doesn't refute my point on poor WLB in Italy. China is the world's second economy and its WLB is pretty Terrible.

GDP!=WLB

>some of those prejudices are becoming unfounded

It's just what the people who emigrate out are saying. It's not prejudice.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#209

Post by bware0fsocdmg »

Friends and people to have fun with are not the same thing.

The older you get, the less you trust people because you know what you and those you grew up with have become.

You got deep insights into decades of politics, dark patterns in engineering, and fraud and lies everywhere. All that is done by people, who are either like you or not. In any case, it's hard to trust any of them, especially if you have kids and you understand how all these people turned into what they are now. That's up to 13% of the population, I estimate, who, if you are more honest than corrupting (in the worse sense), can simply be dropped after one or two conversations and evenings. Move on as quickly as possible, don't let them occupy any space whatsoever in your mind.

Radical honesty, trusting your gut and acting on it when it comes to people and most other things goes a long way and saves you decades of time, brain power, nerves and rewards you with so much peace of mind. If it's not an honest match, fuck it. There's a million other people.

But that must not necessarily matter when it's about just having fun. Just a getting a few good licks out of an evening and being human works with anyone. It's in everyone's interest to let shitty people pay for their sexual gratification, though. Their 'bad boy' or 'bad girl'-vibes are just a facade, a charade, a bad act and any intimate time with them is worth much less than the average sex toy.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#210

Post by Fire-Dragon-DoL »

I made good friends when I was teenager, but once I started working I made a bunch more. Then once I had kids, I made a bunch more, but I share a lot more with the ones from work/school, however the new ones I do share kids, which is an enormous part of my life. The connection with work/school friends is a lot stronger though.

I don't find making friends that hard, surprisingly, given I'm an introvert.

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