Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

washingtonpost.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

201–210 of 396 posts

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#201

Post by fstarship »

bergenty wrote: post #183
fstarship wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Church in this context is a third place, the place outside of work and home. Church is one option https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

There aren’t a lot of good examples that can replace church. Church was literally a forced outing for everyone once a week. A barbershop or pub is not even close to being the same thing.

I agree none of the other examples are as ubiquitous, I also don't like the examples where there is an expectation you pay at some point.

Just GP described the concept without naming it.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#202

Post by standardUser »

EE84M3i wrote: post #98
standardUser wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you go to the same bar all the time and haven't made friends there, try a different bar. And maybe consider those dates as opportunities to make friends in addition to romantic pursuits. A lot of my social group connected originally via dating apps.

I have some friends at the bar, and I'm definitely considered welcome as a regular, and always have a good time, etc. But they're mostly drinking buddies, and not much more outside of that, however I'd like to try harder to change that.

Yeah, I feel like if you're someone who likes hanging out and talking to people at bars, you can probably do that at lots of bars and meet more new people. I don't think it's unusual to get to know a bunch of people but not form any major friendships (happens at workplaces all the time). You may just need more people in the mix to find those friendships. They're hard to find! Especially if you're a little older and maybe more discriminating about who you want to connect with and spend time with.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#203

Post by standardUser »

preordained wrote: post #198
standardUser wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It is expensive and it is true that building most careers becomes more difficult if you take extended time off. And some women do experience extreme changes to their body. That "kind of thinking" sounds entirely fact-based, not "negative".

Seems a bit one-sided, no?

I think most people grow up with intense, sometimes overwhelming pressure to marry and start a family. Having some facts discussed on the other side of that argument seems useful and long overdue.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#204

Post by touch_abs »

edmundsauto wrote: post #192
UweSchmidt wrote: post #125

The fundamental force behind this is individualism. Every single technological innovation has made it easier for the individual to function better alone. Every societal change has emphasized the individual right over the (real or perceived) benefit of the collective. This trend seems to accelerate and absolutely nothing that is happening in western society even remotely suggests a possible turnaround. You can take ac…

> Every single technological innovation has made it easier for the individual to function better alone. Isn’t it more nuanced? In order for someone to not need a wife for laundry service, we rely on the manufacturer. We rely on electricity. It seems like we become more tightly dependent (single directional graph) on more people in order to feel superficially less intertwined. I think people need other people more tha…

We are trading things and systems for social interaction; its a qualitative thing not really equivalent to how tightly coupled we are. We no longer need people at all, because we dont need (or even particularly want) to interact with a person in order to solve our needs.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#205

Post by carrolldunham »

>it seems safe to assume that the decline of our social lives is a worrisome development.

Gee ok, could we get any basis for that at all?

>Because people said they like things with their friends

When did they say that? Presumably before we all changed our preference, resulting in changed behaviour.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#206

Post by standardUser »

SoftTalker wrote: post #159
EE84M3i wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have some friends at the bar, and I'm definitely considered welcome as a regular, and always have a good time, etc. But they're mostly drinking buddies, and not much more outside of that, however I'd like to try harder to change that.

What do you imagine a friend is? Mostly they are drinking buddies, or buddies. I have not had a friend in over 30 years who was anything more than someone I knew from an activity we both did or a place we both frequented. People (especially men) pretty much stop having "deep" friendships once they are adults.

I hope that's not true. Though I'll admit most of my deep male-male friendships date back to high school and new ones are very rare. Most new deeper friendships I've formed have been with women, who I think frankly make better friends.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#207

Post by biztos »

EE84M3i wrote: post #92

I live in a big city, but I'm terribly lonely. - I live alone. - I work hybrid, but when I go into the office, it's more or less empty and I spend all my time on zoom calls. - My family lives far away. - I'm single. Most weeks, my only social interaction is at the local bar, where I'm a regular, or various dates from apps. Excesses of both of these is unhealthy in different ways. I've been pushing myself to go to mee…

I definitely recommend meetups. I think the key is to accept that some will be duds, but keep trying. And don’t overspecialize.

I moved to a new big city a while back, and meetups (from Meetup.com but just because I don’t like FB) were a huge help. It was hard at first, I picked some really bad ones but then I found better ones. It’s still hit or miss but I know the good ones are out there.

I have ended up with one I go to regularly — for a topic I’m not even super interested in, but I’ve met very interesting people there. Plus one I used to go to that I could drop in on if I felt lonely, it’s not topic-based. I even lead one myself, once in a while, going to art shows: that’s pretty stressful for me but also rewarding. Enough so that I’ve thought about starting another, unrelated one.

In about a year of doing this, I have made two friends and am probably making a third, and I have a backlog of meetups I’d love to try out if my schedule shifts and I could go to them.

It felt a little weird in the beginning, because I’ve lived in a few different cities and always made friends randomly. Honestly I felt like a bit of a loser, like who goes to meetups? But as far as I could tell it was meetups or spend all my time in the bars, and I really didn’t want to get stuck in the latter groove. And there’s nothing loserish about recognizing your situation and working to improve it.

(A lot of meetups involve drinking anyway, so if you like bars it’s easy to combine.)

Good luck, I hope you find your people!

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#208

Post by standardUser »

iosono88 wrote: post #139
EE84M3i wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have some friends at the bar, and I'm definitely considered welcome as a regular, and always have a good time, etc. But they're mostly drinking buddies, and not much more outside of that, however I'd like to try harder to change that.

You should stop drinking so much

How do you know how much this person drinks? Sounds like you've got an axe to grind, but not with this particular stranger.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#209

Post by x3n0ph3n3 »

phpisthebest wrote: post #64
haunter wrote: post #49

Not just the US but Europe too. I’m not religious but more and more I think that church (as an institution) had an actual positive effect on local communities. At least as a "force" to keep people together, have a community space etc. A space where you can meet and talk with others. My parents are Anglicans and I always liked the little tea and biscuits after each service. These things matter.

It is not just churches, at least in the US there used to be all kinds of community groups around different things, these all seem to be disappearing. Things like Mens/Womens Fraternal Organizations, Miltary / VA organizations, or even something like Bowling leagues etc. While none of these have disappeared completely it does seem their membership numbers are decreasing in a similar way to churches

A lot of those fraternal organizations require having some religious belief or "belief in a higher power." I'd considered joining a couple, but was dissuaded when I read that in their rules.
Post reply on HN