201–210 of 258 posts
If you are boring to yourself, you are boring to others. Learn to enjoy your own company and how to keep yourself from being bored even when you're alone. Then find others who enjoy doing the things you enjoy, and you can have fun together.
I love my own company but not everyone else does
Find those who are on the same wavelength and who like you for who you are.
I'm afraid most tech people need to get out more. The job is hard, side projects are fun and you need to leetcode in your spare time to get a job. However its very easy to be boring. People benefit from making non-tech friends, play sports, travel, read novels, learn about spirituality, make music, build furniture but I dont see a lot of that happening. I'm a corporate cog and its my biggest regret.
“You will be civilized on the day you can spend a long period doing nothing, learning nothing, and improving nothing, without feeling the slightest amount of guilt.”
“They are born, then put in a box; they go home to live in a box; they study by ticking boxes; they go to what is called “work” in a box, where they sit in their cubicle box; they drive to the grocery store in a box to buy food in a box; they go to the gym in a box to sit in a box; they talk about thinking “outside the box”; and when they die they are put in a box. All boxes, Euclidian, geometrically smooth boxes.”
Make it easy to start, just try doing nothing for a while, it’s uncomfortable at first but the reset comes soon enough and is quite rewarding.
The bed of procrustes as a whole is also quite thought provoking and I would recommend checking it out.
> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…
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Exactly, probably better to teach ones kids how to be decent little people and then have faith that they'll figure it out.
Figure out that unless you've won the genetic lottery you don't need to apply? >> Because this is Hong Kong, and if you want to get into a good high school, and then a good university later in life, this is what you do here, unless either A) your kid has really high IQ and would skip years or B) you are rich and don't mind just paying your way through international schools. Sounds like the plot of GATTACA. Maybe peop…
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I would imagine it's a little more dangerous to space out and get lost in your thoughts though :)
If you’re getting lost in thoughts unrelated to operating a motorcycle you need to take a break. That’s a sign you’re about to make a mistake. I think the OP’s point is your mind gets in to a flow of watching the road, feeling the bike, observing the landscape, etc.
> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…
If there is one category of people who are extremely borinf its parents. I have no kids and the world opens up to me. I can travel where I want, date who I want, read what I like and engage in interesting discussions with people on the street that I've just randomly met. When I hang out with my parent friends they have one mono topic of conversation: their kids and related subjects.
As far as conversation topics go, my friends and I rarely spend more than a few minutes here and there discussing our kids. We all have much more interesting things to talk about and kids don't really come up.
I guess you're extrapolating too much based on your own personal experience.
I won't argue that there are no parents who bore you, but fundamentally that isn't due to being a parent.
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This is very true. Stressors allow you to grow. One of the weird things is seeing friends that never had kids be exactly the same 10-20 years later, doing the same things, talking about the same stuff. It always shows me how much I have grown and how much they haven't. I am in my 40s, and it's weird seeing my friends of 20 years remain static. The only ones that have changed are either people with children or a big c…
Is it growth or simply change? There's an implication with "growth" that somehow you've become greater or better in some way. Is that the case, or are you just more focused on being a parent because that's who you have changed into?
Dealing with your own kids you start to understand humanity better. You understand your parents more, one of the funny things that happens, is you catch yourself responding to things the same way your parents did. Sometimes that's good, other times that's bad. This leads to self-evaluation. You have to ask how did I feel when my parents did this? What did I hate about my parents parenting style, what did I like?
If you don't have children, it's purely a theoretical question, the stakes are null. With your own children the stakes are the emotional, physical and intellectual health of your kids, it has to be taken seriously.
On the flip side you realize that we are all just kids in adult bodies. I see my children do things and I see parallels in my own behavior, or in the behavior of others. So not only do you understand your parents better, you understand yourself and humanity better.
Aside from getting a better understanding of human nature, you also have to start making decisions about your own needs vs the needs of others, in this case your children, and your co-parent. If your kid is throwing up at 2am, guess what, you can't just deal with it tomorrow. You start checking the weather to see does my kid need a coat, a rain coat, a t-shirt? As a side effect you start paying more attention externally. Questions like "how is my kid feeling right now?", or "why did they just do that?". Which means your empathy increases, and your emotional intelligence.
All of this presumes the ability to self-reflect. Which is something a large number of people lack, including parents. Basically if you ever see bad parents you will notice the common thread is lack of self-reflection and awareness. It's holding on to your past self which ultimately hurts your children, and your personal growth.
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It can help to have family close. Growing up my parents often gave us to our grandparents for the weekend (one a month?). Both grandparents lived within 1hr. So, my parent were able to take some weekends for themselves. Also babysitters for a night out and they both had siblings with kids they could leave us with. I know plenty of people who don't have this kind of support group and/or are unwilling to use sitters in…
Definitely. I'm incredibly burnt out after being a stay at home dad for the past year, with the pandemic cautions a lot of support structures disappeared or became unreliable (older family watching the baby, finding a reliable babysitter or daycare, etc). I essentially forgot about everything extraneous in my life so I wouldn't be frustrated that I didn't have time or energy to do it anymore. Without a doubt, I'm mor…
...and since I have a bunch of kids. It gets easier. People talk about terrible 2s, but I feel that 3 and 4 are much harder. They are old enough to know what they want, but not old enough to get it. They can communicate but not 100% or with appropriate level of specificity. They also have the amazing ability to know how to push buttons, part of carving an identity for themselves.
Each year though it gets easier. It's true for all four of mine, and they do have different speeds, they mature at different rates, but overall the trend is always less dependency, which as a single parent you need.
I totally feel your pain though. So I hope you are doing OK.
As an extra tip, totally unsolicited of course. Start doing chores, boring tasks with your kid. Even if they are little. It does a few good things.
1. You have to do the chores anyway, might as well do them when you can't relax (since the kid is going to ask/need things). This way when they go to sleep, you don't have a bunch of things to do, you can fully relax.
2. You are teaching them life skills. They learn by watching and doing. This will also allow you to bond over simple life stuff
3. As they get older, they can have their own chores and lighten your load and if nothing else appreciate what you do for them a tiny bit more
You said your kid is under 5, so I'll give you some examples.
Age 2: pickup toys (I pretend that the toy bin/bucket is a monster that's hungry for toys). Press buttons (for example to start the dishwasher). Throw things in the garbage (hungry garbage can)
Age 3: they can start wiping things, taking their place to the kitchen counter, take items from one room to another. Dusting
Age 4: can start help you cook safely, things like dumping a teaspoon of salt in the food, stirring (obviously no boiling stuff), mopping (rather badly, but they have a blast), sweeping (make sure you duck :), putting dirty laundry away, folding kitchen towels
Age 5: I let them start cutting simple things like bananas, start making breakfast (cereal, toast then scrambled eggs). Pickup their room with some pointers. Assist in cleaning the bathroom and kitchen counters.
Hope it helped.
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This is very true. Stressors allow you to grow. One of the weird things is seeing friends that never had kids be exactly the same 10-20 years later, doing the same things, talking about the same stuff. It always shows me how much I have grown and how much they haven't. I am in my 40s, and it's weird seeing my friends of 20 years remain static. The only ones that have changed are either people with children or a big c…
Is it growth or simply change? There's an implication with "growth" that somehow you've become greater or better in some way. Is that the case, or are you just more focused on being a parent because that's who you have changed into?
Earlier quoted context omitted.
It's funny because the exact opposite is true for me, and is the reason I won't be having kids. I recovered my creativity and wonder for life through just living life how I want to, rather than based on what I thought was normal or typical. Part of that was rejecting the societal expectation of having kids. Now I have a blast pursuing my interests and looking forward to living the rest of my life this way, without ha…
You can do all of those things with children, and then you won't be a burden on society when you're older, having no one left to care about you except the nursing home staff, and as a bonus you'll get to help continue the human race, which is always good.