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Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

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Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#201

Post by throwaway7591 »

Something I’m curious about is how folks handle depression and its impacts with their employers/bosses. For context I am generally a high performer who is now on my second bout of below standard performance since the pandemic.

A few thoughts I have:

* I am getting help (again), it didn’t feel like the last therapist I had understood or empathized how this was affecting my work performance so trying elsewhere

* I believe the job itself is both a cause and effect. I’m reevaluating what I want out of a job in terms of fulfillment. I also moved from a technical to more people facing role, good during good times but not good during down times. Finally I’ve come to terms with the job itself may not be a good fit for me, but finding a new one is especially exhausting when dealing with depression/anxiety

* I’m not choosing to mention any of this to my manager - my below standard appears to be around average or at least acceptable for my position based on feedback/reviews, the biggest consequences are lack of new opportunities and slow erosion of trust over past couple of months

It doesn’t seem like there’s a playbook on this so would love to hear others’ thoughts.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#202

Post by gjulianm »

noduerme wrote: post #168
joeman1000 wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is such a block-headed view and I hope no one reading will actually take it to heart. Mens emotions and mental health are just as valid as a woman’s. Absolutely hypocritical and dangerous viewpoint to hold.

Nah, it's been the default view of all of humanity for the past few hundred thousand years. I opened and closed by saying it was stone-aged, but it isn't without merit just because it's suddenly out of fashion. And as far as being "dangerous", it's not physically dangerous. Or, no more so than a woman staying with a man who takes his depression out on her. Which is a very dangerous thing, indeed. It's all good to say…

> Or, no more so than a woman staying with a man who takes his depression out on her. Which is a very dangerous thing, indeed.

So by your own words, you agree that telling men to stay with women who take their depression out on them is a dangerous thing.

> One of which is that men who can't hold their shit together are by definition more dangerous and harmful than women who can't.

By which definition? You're completely wrong here. The problem isn't that it's an "old times view", it's that it's dangerous and sexist.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#203

Post by emptysongglass »

YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo wrote: post #35
okareaman wrote: post #10

My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed and didn't care to get out of bed. Taking a shower and getting dressed was out of the question. I knew the strain I was causing in my family, but since I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel enough empathy for them to do anything about it. I knew I used to l…

Hey, you are not alone with BP and there is a really great BP discord server. We have real support groups running two times a day. I encourage everyone with BP to join it. https://discord.gg/rbipolar2

Anyone who reads this who also knows a community for Borderline people, I'd appreciate it! I'm one of the few Borderline people I know who sought out therapy (most actively reject it, choosing to believe the lies our mind tells us that our problems are the problems of others) and seeking a community of those so afflicted also in recovery.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#204

Post by e_i_pi »

goodpoint wrote: post #199
reidjs wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I went through the exact same thing, except with a girlfriend not a wife. 100% agree that it’s important to keep your own mental health strong before you can help them. But that is exceptionally hard when they are trying to bring you down to their state at every opportunity.

They are not "trying to bring you down to their state" just as much as a person on a wheelchair is not trying to make you go around slowly.

I think this is a "misery loves company" sort of thing. When you're depressed you don't want people to try to help you be happier, and you don't really want to be happier in a deep sense - you want them to be depressed with you so you feel less alone. I think the fair analogy here would be someone in a wheelchair trying to get other people to use wheelchairs so they have someone to share the difficulty with.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#205

Post by hackerfromthefu »

kkjjkgjjgg wrote: post #156

Are there any citations to the claims she is making in her article about the nature of depression and the things people should do around depressed people? Like she claims "listening" is the correct thing to do, so supposedly it helps against depression? Tbh it sounds to me more like a power thing "see I am depressed, and you are treating me all wrong and you have to do this and that because I am depressed".

It may be something that 'feels' better while not making much impact on the situation, however providing fleeting temporary relief in the moment of being heard and feeling connected.

I guess if there's nothing that will help then temporary relief is good.

However I also guess than in many situations there are things that can make lasting positive impact, if they can be found. Finding these positive impactful things requires action though not just listening.

The art is in knowing when to listen and when to act

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#206

Post by AstralStorm »

ravishi wrote: post #193
YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo wrote: post #176

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are different forms of Bipolar the most publicly known form is BP1 with Psychosis or what people call the manic component. People with BP2 (they never get really manic or get psychosis) have episodes that are called Hypomania which are debilitating for some even more than manic episodes. Here is a nice chart at how these hypomania episodes feel. https://imgur.com/a/9d0MrnD

I find it quite hard to not feel like I've lived or felt many of the symptoms on the second column. Yet, when I searched for help the diagnosis seemed rushed and I decided not to take lithium. Years later after much therapy a new psi prescribed me an SSRI. It did wonders to my anxiety and subsided the thoughts of taking my life. But the main motivational problems persist. Now I'm convinced to stop taking them because…

No, SSRI work well in a number of BP2 cases.

Apparently yours do not quite work well enough, since you seem to be describing aboulia, which is a depression symptom.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#207

Post by teekert »

I think it is also very difficult to decide when enough is enough for the partner. Someone close to me went through this, and there comes a point where you have to be honest and ask yourself: "Do I want to live like this for another 5-10 years?", "Do I want my children to learn that this is the normal?". Or, is it time to look ahead, find a partner that adds energy to your and your children's life. Love can be strong but is it worth everything? What are you teaching your children when you stay, what do you offer them when you leave? Is leaving too much selfishness or are you just suffering with 3 instead of 1?

I wonder how people with depression think about this? Do they themselves at some point think: "Please, go on without me?" Sure, they do when they want to commit suicide, that is their rationale, but can you also say: Go on, be happy while I work this out on my own? Or is the tunnel too dark? Are you really alone in there?

The people I know parted ways but I feel that the depressed partner never forgave the other party, and I do get that feeling (after all, they promised "for better or for worse" in front of their entire family). Meanwhile most people I know are seeing the healthy partner blossom, and their child now having a positive environment again. No more hiding of knives, no more strangers over the floor taking mommy away. No more going to grandma in the middle of the night.

Those are extremely difficult questions and they arouse a lot of guilt in partners and I feel that it is often overlooked. When is enough, enough?

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#208

Post by YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo »

ravishi wrote: post #193
YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo wrote: post #176

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are different forms of Bipolar the most publicly known form is BP1 with Psychosis or what people call the manic component. People with BP2 (they never get really manic or get psychosis) have episodes that are called Hypomania which are debilitating for some even more than manic episodes. Here is a nice chart at how these hypomania episodes feel. https://imgur.com/a/9d0MrnD

I find it quite hard to not feel like I've lived or felt many of the symptoms on the second column. Yet, when I searched for help the diagnosis seemed rushed and I decided not to take lithium. Years later after much therapy a new psi prescribed me an SSRI. It did wonders to my anxiety and subsided the thoughts of taking my life. But the main motivational problems persist. Now I'm convinced to stop taking them because…

You don't have to go nuts to be bipolar. If you are not going manic I would look to see if you had self destructive tendencies in your past like quitting a job on a whim, getting erratic with your friends over nothing etc. If you have them combined with some of the other symptoms of the chart I would speak with a pdoc. Here is a great video describing the differences https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AM7vf5HJxaQ

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#210

Post by goodpoint »

e_i_pi wrote: post #204
goodpoint wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They are not "trying to bring you down to their state" just as much as a person on a wheelchair is not trying to make you go around slowly.

I think this is a "misery loves company" sort of thing. When you're depressed you don't want people to try to help you be happier, and you don't really want to be happier in a deep sense - you want them to be depressed with you so you feel less alone. I think the fair analogy here would be someone in a wheelchair trying to get other people to use wheelchairs so they have someone to share the difficulty with.

This narrative is provably false and harmful (and insulting) to people with any mental illness.

Psychologist has been fighting such social stigmas for decades.

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