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Be Happier with Zero Expectation

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Re: Be Happier with Zero Expectation

#21

Post by personlurking »

bpatrianakos wrote: post #10

This is true but it's just not realistic. There are situations in life where expectations are totally appropriate. I'd even argue that expectations drive us forward. And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome? If I have to drive somewhere and have no expectation of arrival time then I'll neither be happy nor sad when…

"And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome?"

I've had a problem with this for most of my life, sad to say. It works really well for blocking out sad times but it obviously blocks out happy times as well. I have not yet figured out a way to correct this because it's well ingrained. Have any HNers worked out solutions for this?

Re: Be Happier with Zero Expectation

#22

Post by bobbyong »

hmbg wrote: post #17

This doesn't work at all for me. I love having expectations. I love looking forward to things. I'm going on a trip in May, and I expect it to be great. If it sucks, I might be a bit disappointed, but the vacation is a week, and the time I can look forward to it is several months. If the vacation turns out to be great, I'll feel great about it. Would I feel even greater if I had no expectations? Don't know. I really d…

I got back from a 10-days backpacking trip to Thailand and Laos a few weeks back and I totally enjoyed it partly because I went with zero expectation. I did not know what to expect (no research) and I did not expect anything. I did not book any hostels and just went with the flow.

I have no must-see travel list nor do I have any must-do travel stuff. Anything interesting was a net positive feeling for me during the trip. Anyone interesting I met was a net positive feeling for me. If I had expected to see a certain place or do a certain thing and could not accomplish that during the trip because of bad weather or schedule, I will be disappointed. I did not feel disappointed at all for 10 days.

Well, different people might like to plan their life differently and you can feel right in having expectations if that's what you prefer. I just found it awesome to see a place without knowing what to expect.

Re: Be Happier with Zero Expectation

#23

Post by bobbyong »

personlurking wrote: post #21
bpatrianakos wrote: post #10

This is true but it's just not realistic. There are situations in life where expectations are totally appropriate. I'd even argue that expectations drive us forward. And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome? If I have to drive somewhere and have no expectation of arrival time then I'll neither be happy nor sad when…

"And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome?" I've had a problem with this for most of my life, sad to say. It works really well for blocking out sad times but it obviously blocks out happy times as well. I have not yet figured out a way to correct this because it's well ingrained. Have any HNers worked out solutions…

You have low expectation of the end-result. If something pleasant happens at the end, you will be happy. If something bad happens, that's expected. Make sense?

Re: Be Happier with Zero Expectation

#24

Post by bluetidepro »

I don't think this is something you can just "turn off" and/or change. I think your personality can either allow you to do this, or not. You can tell me all day to not have expectations, but that means nothing to me. I don't understand how to "flip off that switch." I'm not saying the author is wrong, but I just don't think I can agree that anyone can just not have expectations. I know I have times where I didn't have expectations and things worked out great and I was happy, but it's not like I can tell my brain to always react that way. It's just how I am, and I wish I could change that, but I honestly don't know how.

Does anyone have any real suggestions on how to achieve this "zero expectation" mindset, other than as vague as "just change your mindset" or something to that degree?

Re: Be Happier with Zero Expectation

#25

Post by sophacles »

personlurking wrote: post #21
bpatrianakos wrote: post #10

This is true but it's just not realistic. There are situations in life where expectations are totally appropriate. I'd even argue that expectations drive us forward. And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome? If I have to drive somewhere and have no expectation of arrival time then I'll neither be happy nor sad when…

"And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome?" I've had a problem with this for most of my life, sad to say. It works really well for blocking out sad times but it obviously blocks out happy times as well. I have not yet figured out a way to correct this because it's well ingrained. Have any HNers worked out solutions…

I've found it works out like this: Make plans, not expectations. The difference is subtle. I make plans, I even consider potential outcomes and how to handle them. But I don't pin all my reactions on a belief about the outcome. (I think a good definition of expectations is: belief that a particular outcome is the just or deserved one). So when everything goes sideways, I'm not stuck in some place of disappointment or shock. I just try and roll with it. When focusing on a belief that a specific and single outcome is the right thing, it is easy to miss opportunities to pivot to a better, unplanned outcome. It is easy to miss opportunities to reach a not quite as good outcome but avert disaster.

Basically, the idea is: shit happens, unexpected things happen, reality gets in the way of plans as a matter of rule. So be adaptable. Expectations of certain outcomes take away adaptability.

You can still be happy when your plans work out, you can be happy because you had a goal of "making money" or "getting a better job", or whatever, and you an be sad because "i didn't get a job i wanted, but ended up with this almost as good one over here". Basically, I find it silly to tie emotions to one specific expectation rather than as a reaction to what is actually happening.

Re: Be Happier with Zero Expectation

#26

Post by personlurking »

bobbyong wrote: post #23
personlurking wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome?" I've had a problem with this for most of my life, sad to say. It works really well for blocking out sad times but it obviously blocks out happy times as well. I have not yet figured out a way to correct this because it's well ingrained. Have any HNers worked out solutions…

You have low expectation of the end-result. If something pleasant happens at the end, you will be happy. If something bad happens, that's expected. Make sense?

Somewhat. I'd agree that my expectations are low for what is happening and what I think may happen, but I wouldn't say I expect bad things to happen. I'm attempting to learn to create normal expectations for myself. For example, I'm about to move to Europe next week and I find myself not excited about it. Also, the long-distance relationship with my gf is about to go from as-is to living in the same apt once I move, and I also don't think much about it. I know they are good things and I'm more than sure I'll be excited once I get there but I'm not there now so my expectations are pretty low to non-existant.

Re: Be Happier with Zero Expectation

#28

Post by personlurking »

sophacles wrote: post #25
personlurking wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome?" I've had a problem with this for most of my life, sad to say. It works really well for blocking out sad times but it obviously blocks out happy times as well. I have not yet figured out a way to correct this because it's well ingrained. Have any HNers worked out solutions…

I've found it works out like this: Make plans, not expectations. The difference is subtle. I make plans, I even consider potential outcomes and how to handle them. But I don't pin all my reactions on a belief about the outcome. (I think a good definition of expectations is: belief that a particular outcome is the just or deserved one). So when everything goes sideways, I'm not stuck in some place of disappointment or…

Yes, I once read "be flexible in approach, but sure of the destination", but what I seem to do is to be flexible in approach, and flexible in the destination. In essence, there are many ways to the moon, but "...if you miss, at least you'll land among the stars," thus I end up dividing what I really want into smaller positive eventualities and I try to be happy with whatever I get. I suppose the real issue is a mix of lowered expectations, drive and enthusiasm. Being hungry for that one thing and going after it. In a sea of possibilities, it's tough for me to choose that one thing, though I wouldn't expect otherwise from someone like me, a generalist and an INTP.

Re: Be Happier with Zero Expectation

#29

Post by NoPiece »

bpatrianakos wrote: post #10

This is true but it's just not realistic. There are situations in life where expectations are totally appropriate. I'd even argue that expectations drive us forward. And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome? If I have to drive somewhere and have no expectation of arrival time then I'll neither be happy nor sad when…

I don't know if the author intended it, but there is a difference between wanting and expecting. Implicit in expecting is that your deserve it. So when you don't get it, it is downgrade. Wanting still allows for aspiration, but with more gratitude when you get it, and somewhat less disappointment when you don't.

Re: Be Happier with Zero Expectation

#30

Post by hmbg »

bobbyong wrote: post #22
hmbg wrote: post #17

This doesn't work at all for me. I love having expectations. I love looking forward to things. I'm going on a trip in May, and I expect it to be great. If it sucks, I might be a bit disappointed, but the vacation is a week, and the time I can look forward to it is several months. If the vacation turns out to be great, I'll feel great about it. Would I feel even greater if I had no expectations? Don't know. I really d…

I got back from a 10-days backpacking trip to Thailand and Laos a few weeks back and I totally enjoyed it partly because I went with zero expectation. I did not know what to expect (no research) and I did not expect anything. I did not book any hostels and just went with the flow. I have no must-see travel list nor do I have any must-do travel stuff. Anything interesting was a net positive feeling for me during the t…

I guess it comes down to how specific expectations you have. I don't plan everything minutely, I just expect it will be a great experience in general, whatever happens. That way I look forward to it, and enjoy thinking about it. But I don't have detailed plans.

Still, if I did, the important thing would be to handle changes of plans well. The absence of plans in it self does not determine happiness for me.

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