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Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

nautil.us

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Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#21

Post by KerrAvon »

DFHippie wrote: post #14
DFHippie wrote: post #9

In general your kids' friends are much more important to them in the long run than you are. You are always there, but their friends represent the society they will be sinking or swimming in. They turn away from you and your tastes and opinions for a reason: their survival depends on understanding the tastes and opinions of their peers. You will stick with them (usually). Their peers are free to abandon them. Peer rel…

To elaborate a bit: your parenting is much more likely to affect how your kids parent their kids. And, for better or for worse, mostly what they'll be doing is avoiding the mistakes you made. Your mom was distant and judgmental? You'll be super attentive and supportive, assuming your kids need what you wanted. And quite likely you'll overshoot the mark and set up a pitfall your kids will avoid when it's their turn. A…

Is this anecdata/personal folklore/"common sense" or is this based on science? It sounds like the former, tbh. Things tend to be more complex than this.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#22

Post by herpdyderp »

djmips wrote: post #20

I've observed children who have had tremendous close friends in childhood but were unable to recreate that in adulthood. Sometimes it's easier to make friends when you're 5.

I'd still rather be friends with a bunch of 5 year olds. (Unfortunately everyone would probably think that's super creepy.)

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#23

Post by 64718283661 »

voidfunc wrote: post #16

Didn't really have friends as a kid, probably explains why I prefer the cold glow of a computer.

Same, so what should one do if AI ruins it? It hasn't yet. It's not good enough, but with the amount of money pouring in I think it could be cracked within 5 years. I hope not.. Coding with AI ruins the enjoyment. And willfully falling behind others using tools to be better than anyone without it isn't good either. I enjoy computers because my skill level is high enough that I can make money on my own and do what I want by using my skills to beat competitors. My research and experiments are meaningful because it is not all so trivial and instantly replicable yet.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#24

Post by kayodelycaon »

I think it’s a bit more general than that because I didn’t have any “childhood friends”, just bullies who were never punished.

What I did have was a great number of excellent adults in my life. In many ways, they were more my peers than anyone my own age.

Their example and support made my parents instruction significantly more effective despite the serious challenges with my mental health that they didn’t know how to handle.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#25

Post by makeitdouble »

makeitdouble wrote: post #19

On the participants composition: > 705 participants and their families over 3 decades, from the time participants were infants until they were approximately 30 years old (Mage = 28.6, SD = 1.2; 78.7% White, non-Hispanic, 53.6% female, 46.4% male). It looks like an a fairly culturally homogeneous pannel, it would be interesting to also have a breakdown on religion (especially due to the communal effects) and income.

From https://psycnet.apa.org/manuscript/2026-79270-001.pdf

The income data: ------------------------------ Student status Part-time 34 (4.9%) Full-time 61 (8.7%) Employment Part-time, for pay 85 (12.1%) Full-time, for pay 516 (73.7%) Individual income <US $10,000 78 (11.1%) US $10,000–$29,999 167 (23.9%) US $30,000–$49,999 179 (25.6%) US $50,000–$99,999 213 (30.4%) US $100,000+ 63 (9.0%) Household income <US $20,000 75 (10.8%) US $20,000–$49,999 163 (23.5%) US $50,000–$99,999 248 (35.7%) US $100,000–$149,999 126 (18.1%) US $150,000+ 83 (11.9%)

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#26

Post by kayodelycaon »

herpdyderp wrote: post #22
djmips wrote: post #20

I've observed children who have had tremendous close friends in childhood but were unable to recreate that in adulthood. Sometimes it's easier to make friends when you're 5.

I'd still rather be friends with a bunch of 5 year olds. (Unfortunately everyone would probably think that's super creepy.)

It’s really sad that that’s considered creepy.

I got a lot of flak for going to a high school play in my late twenties. I had played D&D with the kid and his mom every week for years. He was great to hang out with when he was 14.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#28

Post by taurath »

No, one study doesn’t upend the last few decades of understanding of emotional attachment.

The study simply says that ability to connect w friends is more predictive than observations they made of apparent attachment of parents.

This happens much later so of course it’s more predictive of the actual end effects - that’s when attachment styles actually show up for the first time. Kids grow up to be very adaptive toward their parents but when they get to the rest of society that’s when the failures of connection and the failed bids for attention show up.

A very resilient kid will do fine with friends even with a very bad attachment environment. A very sensitive kid or one with developmental problems will struggle in social environments.

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#29

Post by [deleted] »

KerrAvon wrote: post #21
DFHippie wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To elaborate a bit: your parenting is much more likely to affect how your kids parent their kids. And, for better or for worse, mostly what they'll be doing is avoiding the mistakes you made. Your mom was distant and judgmental? You'll be super attentive and supportive, assuming your kids need what you wanted. And quite likely you'll overshoot the mark and set up a pitfall your kids will avoid when it's their turn. A…

Is this anecdata/personal folklore/"common sense" or is this based on science? It sounds like the former, tbh. Things tend to be more complex than this.

[deleted]

Re: Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most

#30

Post by ryandrake »

kayodelycaon wrote: post #26
herpdyderp wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'd still rather be friends with a bunch of 5 year olds. (Unfortunately everyone would probably think that's super creepy.)

It’s really sad that that’s considered creepy. I got a lot of flak for going to a high school play in my late twenties. I had played D&D with the kid and his mom every week for years. He was great to hang out with when he was 14.

The whole country is engrossed in a decade+ long "pedo panic" to the point where you can't support a friend's kid by attending a school play, take them for ice cream, or (sometimes) even take your own child to the park without getting the side-eye from nosey nobodies.
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