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Dont Explain Yourself

erikvancraddock.com

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Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#21

Post by gigglesupstairs »

r_hoods_ghost wrote: post #17

Wow, this is bad advice for any time you're in a hierarchical relationship. Try this with your boss - I'm not going to do the thing that you asked me to do. - Why? - I don't explain my decisions as a matter of principle! - You're fired. Similarly if you take this tack with your children or employees you give up any hope of teaching them reasoning abilities or giving them wider context they need to not ask you for thi…

Right? I can see taking a conversation forward and saying no at a juncture where you see the purpose of it failing but to say no right in the beginning is just blunt and can come of rude depending upon the relationship person has with the other. The other person should walk away with some perspectives behind your (calculated) No not the bad feeling surrounding the blunt No. This doesn’t mean that you have to give him something you don’t or shouldn’t. But there is always pragmatism possible in most scenarios to keep the future conversations open and civil.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#22

Post by smorgusofborg »

HWR_14 wrote: post #15
version_five wrote: post #4

I agree in many situations. In many kinds of discussion (debate, sales, other persuasion), people are asking you to elaborate so they can tell you why you are wrong. In sales it's called "objection handling" and it's something salespeople learn and practice. If you believe you are in such a discussion, explaining is just providing a larger attack surface. In good faith discussions, where you and your discussion partn…

> If you believe you are in such a discussion, explaining is just providing a larger attack surface. Only if you lie about your objection. Otherwise, maybe it can get overcome and you can engage in a win-win transaction. That is, it's not in red, it costs too much and it's not available delivered Thursday are all problems that may be solveable. Now, if you invent a problem for something you aren't interested in at al…

It is still a larger attack surface. A salesperson can give a false impression about the value of the ongoing relationship over the transaction and make a ~promise that is not legally binding.

I.e. if you give the actual date you need something they may say they talked to a friend in logistics and they have it on good authority that it really should be here by then. Getting their offer with no indication of your requirements means any misrepresentations aren't tuned to your specific requirements.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#23

Post by anthonygd »

r_hoods_ghost wrote: post #17

Wow, this is bad advice for any time you're in a hierarchical relationship. Try this with your boss - I'm not going to do the thing that you asked me to do. - Why? - I don't explain my decisions as a matter of principle! - You're fired. Similarly if you take this tack with your children or employees you give up any hope of teaching them reasoning abilities or giving them wider context they need to not ask you for thi…

It felt overly authoritarian to me as well, but I think that's part of the point. In all the examples the author did have the authority to say no.

In any sort of leadership position you should absolutely take advice and talk to people, but as soon as a decision is made you have to stop talking about it and just communicate the decision. It's more frustrating for people to think a decision is up for discussion when in reality it's not.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#24

Post by omginternets »

lostlogin wrote: post #19
omginternets wrote: post #7

Other commenters are brushing this advice aside on the grounds that it’s isn’t universally applicable. But, if we accept that it requires some discernment, I think it’s pretty sound, particularly in cases where it’s important to be authoritative. I’m reminded of the English crown’s unofficial motto: “don’t complain; don’t explain”.

> I’m reminded of the English crown’s unofficial motto: “don’t complain; don’t explain”. Was this explained to to current royals, it’s hilarious?

Unsurprisingly, many Brits agree with you. I've heard "don't complain; don't explain" invoked in the news more times than I can count in the past few years.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#25

Post by omginternets »

rgoulter wrote: post #10
omginternets wrote: post #7

Other commenters are brushing this advice aside on the grounds that it’s isn’t universally applicable. But, if we accept that it requires some discernment, I think it’s pretty sound, particularly in cases where it’s important to be authoritative. I’m reminded of the English crown’s unofficial motto: “don’t complain; don’t explain”.

> particularly in cases where it’s important to be authoritative. I think this is lens makes the advice clearer. "Don't explain yourself" or "use of authority doesn't require explanation" smells gross because it's anti-egalitarian. (People are equal, how can one person have authority to an extent that explanation isn't needed/beneficial?). In a sense, "explaining things" is a way of showing you're not wielding author…

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I suspect people are reacting to the potential for this advice to be misapplied by assholes.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#26

Post by HWR_14 »

smorgusofborg wrote: post #22
HWR_14 wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If you believe you are in such a discussion, explaining is just providing a larger attack surface. Only if you lie about your objection. Otherwise, maybe it can get overcome and you can engage in a win-win transaction. That is, it's not in red, it costs too much and it's not available delivered Thursday are all problems that may be solveable. Now, if you invent a problem for something you aren't interested in at al…

It is still a larger attack surface. A salesperson can give a false impression about the value of the ongoing relationship over the transaction and make a ~promise that is not legally binding. I.e. if you give the actual date you need something they may say they talked to a friend in logistics and they have it on good authority that it really should be here by then. Getting their offer with no indication of your requ…

I mean, I guess if you think the person is lying to you, don't do business with them. But that seems to apply regardless of what you tell them.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#27

Post by burnished »

Generally some good advice here. I don't really understand the perspective of people who are railing against it. Maybe they didn't read TFA?

I think simply and politely declining is the most polite thing to do in some situations. And its something a lot of people struggle with.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#28

Post by solarkraft »

pedro_fartinez wrote: post #6

This is awful advice, and really only applicable for anyone who isn't responsible to anyone else for their decision making. Has this author never had to sell one of their ideas, or argue for a particular implementation detail, or explain a mistake? Explaining thinking is a cornerstone in building consensus, discussion, advocacy, and leadership. It invites conversation and dialog, bringing people into an understanding…

For a more technical example:

I think a lot of us have come across systems that seemed weird so we ask "what the fuck were they thinking, this sucks". A lot of times this leads to frustration and the urge to rebuild.

And it's all because the reasons for it being that way aren't clear (hey, documentation is important). More often than not, the reasons for a particular decision are sound and, if given, can foster acceptance and appreciation.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#29

Post by burnished »

r_hoods_ghost wrote: post #17

Wow, this is bad advice for any time you're in a hierarchical relationship. Try this with your boss - I'm not going to do the thing that you asked me to do. - Why? - I don't explain my decisions as a matter of principle! - You're fired. Similarly if you take this tack with your children or employees you give up any hope of teaching them reasoning abilities or giving them wider context they need to not ask you for thi…

Do you really think that that is what TFA is about, at all?

Cause its fucking great advice for dealing with your boss. Getting called in on your day off? Don't want to come in? Don't explain, simply decline. Need to take a day off? Notify them, don't explain or justify past the bare minimum.

Explaining when you don't need to is not a great idea. Thats the big idea. Not, "never explain yourself", which is assinine, and obviously much easier for you to rail against.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#30

Post by tpoacher »

HWR_14 wrote: post #26
smorgusofborg wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It is still a larger attack surface. A salesperson can give a false impression about the value of the ongoing relationship over the transaction and make a ~promise that is not legally binding. I.e. if you give the actual date you need something they may say they talked to a friend in logistics and they have it on good authority that it really should be here by then. Getting their offer with no indication of your requ…

I mean, I guess if you think the person is lying to you, don't do business with them. But that seems to apply regardless of what you tell them.

Ironically, what has happened here, is that the poster above you thought it polite to explain themselves, which gave you an opportunity to attack a super-specific not-necessarily-representative scenario of their argument. All while effecticely counterarguing that explaining yourself cannot possibly backfire, ever.

The irony is delicious here xD

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