Dont Explain Yourself

I agree in many situations. In many kinds of discussion (debate, sales, other persuasion), people are asking you to elaborate so they can tell you why you are wrong. In sales it's called "objection handling" and it's something salespeople learn and practice. If you believe you are in such a discussion, explaining is just providing a larger attack surface.

In good faith discussions, where you and your discussion partners are actually trying to understand each other, it's better to explain

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#5

Post by torstenvl » Wed, Jan 19, 2022, 2:09 AM UTC

This is terrible advice. Woe unto anyone who extrapolates from telemarketer interactions to their relationships with their kids.

Especially when the extrapolated practice is not to offer explanations for your thinking. That's how you end up raising a human who is conditioned to accept "because I said so" as valid in their intimate relationships.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#6

Post by pedro_fartinez » Wed, Jan 19, 2022, 2:25 AM UTC

This is awful advice, and really only applicable for anyone who isn't responsible to anyone else for their decision making. Has this author never had to sell one of their ideas, or argue for a particular implementation detail, or explain a mistake? Explaining thinking is a cornerstone in building consensus, discussion, advocacy, and leadership. It invites conversation and dialog, bringing people into an understanding. Most jobs are foundationally a communal activity, and no man is an island. Tough to have to work with someone who never gives an explanation for anything.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#7

Post by omginternets » Wed, Jan 19, 2022, 2:33 AM UTC

Other commenters are brushing this advice aside on the grounds that it’s isn’t universally applicable. But, if we accept that it requires some discernment, I think it’s pretty sound, particularly in cases where it’s important to be authoritative.

I’m reminded of the English crown’s unofficial motto: “don’t complain; don’t explain”.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#8

Post by m463 » Wed, Jan 19, 2022, 3:14 AM UTC

omginternets wrote: post #7

Other commenters are brushing this advice aside on the grounds that it’s isn’t universally applicable. But, if we accept that it requires some discernment, I think it’s pretty sound, particularly in cases where it’s important to be authoritative. I’m reminded of the English crown’s unofficial motto: “don’t complain; don’t explain”.

I agree - I notice many times good advice is overlooked because of some not-very-common-scenario.

For example:

Think twice about giving detailed status reports, especially things you are stuck on.

If you're stuck on something that needs help, by all means call it out.

But I've sometimes found that when I give detailed status and mention some detail of my current stopping point, I get all kinds of unsolicited advice and micromanagement.

for example, if I were to give my status as "Working on interface code, struggling with undocumented interfaces" I'm pretty sure I would get all kinds of advice on how to fix it even though I'll probably get through it in an hour.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#9

Post by rpdillon » Wed, Jan 19, 2022, 3:42 AM UTC

omginternets wrote: post #7

Other commenters are brushing this advice aside on the grounds that it’s isn’t universally applicable. But, if we accept that it requires some discernment, I think it’s pretty sound, particularly in cases where it’s important to be authoritative. I’m reminded of the English crown’s unofficial motto: “don’t complain; don’t explain”.

It conflates exposing your reasoning with being open to debate. I can perfectly well state my decision, make it clear that it's final, while also explaining it. This, for example, is exactly how courts work.

I agree with some others here: this advice is not useful often enough to go unqualified. It may make sense to frame it more in terms of "In situations where there the person is unknown and the communication is unsolicited, don't explain yourself."

I suspect 99% of my daily interactions would not benefit from advice. Perhaps I'm an outlier.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#10

Post by rgoulter » Wed, Jan 19, 2022, 3:45 AM UTC

omginternets wrote: post #7

Other commenters are brushing this advice aside on the grounds that it’s isn’t universally applicable. But, if we accept that it requires some discernment, I think it’s pretty sound, particularly in cases where it’s important to be authoritative. I’m reminded of the English crown’s unofficial motto: “don’t complain; don’t explain”.

> particularly in cases where it’s important to be authoritative.

I think this is lens makes the advice clearer.

"Don't explain yourself" or "use of authority doesn't require explanation" smells gross because it's anti-egalitarian. (People are equal, how can one person have authority to an extent that explanation isn't needed/beneficial?).

In a sense, "explaining things" is a way of showing you're not wielding authority over others, or open to suggestions.

The frustrating situations described in the original post, since OP's mind isn't open to be changed, his advice is to 'wield authority': to say no to telemarketer, to his son asking for a kitten. Giving explanation while teaching shows that the reason what's being taught is true isn't just because the teacher is saying it.