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How to Escape Loneliness

whatsonyourmind.substack.com

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Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#21

Post by yawboakye »

powersnail wrote: post #13

> A whopping 46% of Americans report feeling sometimes or always alone. Well, I always thought that I feel lonely because I'm a foreigner in US. It seems like the culture itself at least contributes partly. There is a bizarre phenomenon that I don't understand about socializing in US: outside of specialized hobby groups or clubs, people don't do stuff when they are together. They just "hang out" around grills and piz…

Americans, in my experience, have mastered the art of fake enthusiasm (and likely are the first to say "exciting" in an exchange). It seems to be overflowing into Canada, in fact (still anecdotal). No idea why they are unable to show real emotions but have to come across as enthusiastic, empathetic, all the good stuff. All this in public. I wonder what they deal with in the solitude of themselves, and how.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#22

Post by randmeerkat »

pm90 wrote: post #5
Zababa wrote: post #2

It's weird how everything in this article seems true and logical, but at the same time it rings hollow and I feel like the author is missing an important point. From experience, for some people it will be hard to connect to most people, and thus you'll end up more lonely than usual most of the time. If at the same time you're a good listener and generous with your time, it can get exhausting to have lots of one-sided…

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

Part of this is just understanding communication, and what healthy communication looks like. The other part is knowing yourself, what you’re looking for, and being honest with where you’re at.

When developing a new relationship, friends or otherwise, it’s great to ask them questions about themselves, to try to learn more about them and to empathize with them. After awhile, generally the person realizes they’ve spent a lot of time talking about themselves and begin to ask you questions about yourself. If they don’t do that, then you’ve met someone, you learned a new perspective, and maybe consider trying again with another person somewhere else. It’s hard to find meaningfully good friends, but when you do, it’s worth it. Life, like coding, is just trial and error.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#23

Post by stnmtn »

eddywebs wrote: post #11
pm90 wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

How does one become a good listener ?

There are a couple of neat tips, like "echo-ing". This is when after someone says a sentence, you simply repeat back the last word(s) they said.

"I went to the beach last weekend, read a great book!" "You read a greak book?" "Yeah! It was by this author etc etc..."

It feels weird when you do it, but you never notice it when someone does it to you and it always feels nice because you know they were listening to you.

Also, the #1 thing is that you should be asking questions. Being a good listener is about asking questions 90% of the time, and those questions should be related to what the person is talking about.

For the previous example, if the conversation peters out, you can just ask something easy like "What is it about reading at the beach that you love so much?"

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#24

Post by randmeerkat »

eddywebs wrote: post #11
pm90 wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

How does one become a good listener ?

Try a couple of books on active listening and see if you find one that you like. Then try applying what you’ve learned in real life.

For me it’s putting my phone upside down, so I’m not distracted by the notifications, focusing on what the person is saying, repeating it back when appropriate, and by actively trying to understand their perspective / emotion(s).

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#25

Post by stagger87 »

jdavis703 wrote: post #16
black_13 wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I spent 3 weeks in Germany a country not know for talkative or friendly people and I had more real and friendly conversations with others than three years in here in the US.

Ditto. At least in Berlin people will even let their neighbors in for parties, which seemed crazy to me as an American. I could never imagine opening my door and letting random folks come in my home.

In suburban America the concept of a block party is relatively common. All neighbors in a cul-de-sac/street get together and eat/drink.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#26

Post by blueprint »

sneak wrote: post #4

The American lifestyle is engineered specifically to fit a style that, whether intentional or not, promotes deep and debilitating loneliness. You have to deliberately live in a very abnormal way to avoid it. Most Americans have very little contact with strangers outside of their workplace. It's a real tragedy.

two words: climbing gym

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#27

Post by sneak »

stagger87 wrote: post #25
jdavis703 wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ditto. At least in Berlin people will even let their neighbors in for parties, which seemed crazy to me as an American. I could never imagine opening my door and letting random folks come in my home.

In suburban America the concept of a block party is relatively common. All neighbors in a cul-de-sac/street get together and eat/drink.

I've lived in several US suburbs and as far as I've seen block parties in suburbs only happen on TV. Suburbs are actively antisocial places.

Street festivals and that sort of stuff actually happen in NYC, which is, of course, not a suburb.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#28

Post by jdavis703 »

stagger87 wrote: post #25
jdavis703 wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ditto. At least in Berlin people will even let their neighbors in for parties, which seemed crazy to me as an American. I could never imagine opening my door and letting random folks come in my home.

In suburban America the concept of a block party is relatively common. All neighbors in a cul-de-sac/street get together and eat/drink.

But if I understand the party is usually on the street or yards (I could be wrong, I’ve never lived in that type of suburb). People generally don’t open their homes, right?

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#29

Post by toyg »

e40 wrote: post #9
pm90 wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

I saw this in The Three-Body Problem : > Everyone likes to reminisce, but no one wants to listen, and everyone feels annoyed when someone else tells a story. That quote really resonated with me, as I realized how true it was for my interactions in the last few months.

The part about stories is not necessarily true though. If your story really is engaging or entertaining, you're scoring social points, people will be happy they listened and might ask you for more.

The problem is that most people overestimate how interesting their experience is to others.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#30

Post by vlod »

pm90 wrote: post #5
Zababa wrote: post #2

It's weird how everything in this article seems true and logical, but at the same time it rings hollow and I feel like the author is missing an important point. From experience, for some people it will be hard to connect to most people, and thus you'll end up more lonely than usual most of the time. If at the same time you're a good listener and generous with your time, it can get exhausting to have lots of one-sided…

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

Have you tried not being a good listener? or cranking that knob down a bit.

Maybe you're coming across as a super interested in what people have to say, that you're artificially (can't think of a better word) keeping the conversation in their court.

Allowing the conversation to go silent and see what happens. If they don't want to reciprocate or don't appear to listen or seem interested, then maybe move on.

Note: I'm not dismissing and would largely agree to what you're saying (people just hear).

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