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The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

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Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#21

Post by brundolf »

nonbirithm wrote: post #19
brundolf wrote: post #2

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article). It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn'…

As someone who is not yet 30 and is naive to the mindset of a 40-year-old, I get the impression that some people have it figured out sooner than others. Or if not having "the" thing figured out, have something at all figured out. This is dangerous for me because my mindset is that if I'm not spending most of my time on something, I will not be able to believe I'm "taking it seriously." From past experience, the end r…

I think you're being too hard on yourself, and if I may say, I think therapy could help you work some of this out (fwiw I believe nearly every person on the planet could benefit from at least a little therapy).

Here's one way to try reframing it for now: I see the point of life as maximizing happiness for myself and others. So if I'm setting rigorous expectations for myself that don't actually contribute to that purpose in any way, and in fact partly sabotage it by making me miserable, there's no logical reason to hold those expectations in the first place.

What do you or anyone else gain from "deserving" to put titles for yourself in your Twitter bio? Do those activities if they make you happy; if they don't, then don't waste energy on them. And certainly don't do them just to say that you did.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#22

Post by UncleOxidant »

brundolf wrote: post #18
kkoncevicius wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That might also be related to the occupation of your therapist - being, well, a therapist. Seems like almost everyone would choose an older person as their therapist; and conversely, hardly anyone, at, say 40 years old, would go see a 20 year old therapist. So their career really start taking off at maybe 40 and it steadily climbs up.

Maybe, though I don't think he's the type who sees his career as the first or second most important thing in his life

Maybe not, but it's how he derives his income. Having a stable income really helps with outlook. Conversely, being worried about where your income might be headed in the future is going to negatively effect your outlook.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#23

Post by vmception »

brundolf wrote: post #2

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article). It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn'…

Look, if you suddenly get a new interest that is pretty flashy and you also have a cohesive family unit and kids, people will say you have a midlife crisis. If you don't, you are just cool guy successful enough to do your own thing.

That's it.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#24

Post by RcouF1uZ4gsC »

This has been going on a long time. Take for example Julius Caesar at the age of 33 as recorded by Plutarch:

> In like manner we are told again that, in Spain, when he was at leisure and was reading from the history of Alexander, he was lost in thought for a long time, and then burst into tears. His friends were astonished, and asked the reason for his tears. "Do you not think," said he, "it is matter for sorrow that while Alexander, at my age, was already king of so many peoples, I have as yet achieved no brilliant success?"

I think, at least for a lot of men, that a huge cause of the mid-life crisis is the death of boyhood dreams. Many of us dream of accomplishing great things. And it seems we have our whole life before us and limitless opportunities. However, by the time we reach midlife, we realize that time is running out, our physical prowess is on the way down, and we will never accomplish all that we have dreamed.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#25

Post by grammarisking »

kkoncevicius wrote: post #7
yters wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Plato seems to have shared this view. He said one shouldn't engage in philosophy, life's most important pursuit, until one turns 40.

Interestingly same suggestion is found in Kabbalah: in order to study it you have to be above 40 years old, expert in Talmud, and expert in Jewish law.

40 years is also a significant age within Islam, whereby a person usually reaches their prime. Explicitly mentioned in this verse for example:

"We have commanded people to honour their parents. Their mothers bore them in hardship and delivered them in hardship. Their ˹period of˺ bearing and weaning is thirty months. In time, when the child reaches their prime at the age of forty, they pray, “My Lord! Inspire me to ˹always˺ be thankful for Your favours which You blessed me and my parents with, and to do good deeds that please You. And instil righteousness in my offspring. I truly repent to You, and I truly submit ˹to Your Will˺.”[1]

[1]https://quran.com/46/15

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#26

Post by tayo42 »

emerged wrote: post #3
brundolf wrote: post #2

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article). It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn'…

I’m about to turn 40 and have never felt less in crisis. Although I have never had any fear of my own mortality which could be what drives the crisis for many people. I also don’t tend to care much about what I’m “supposed” to do in life vs what I want to do.

Curious if your hobbies include anything physical? Turned 30 recently and I feel like there's a good chance I won't do what I want in sports. Not so much about mortality but feeling your self not be as athletic as you have sucks and it only gets worse.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#27

Post by germinalphrase »

kkoncevicius wrote: post #5
brundolf wrote: post #2

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article). It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn'…

That might also be related to the occupation of your therapist - being, well, a therapist. Seems like almost everyone would choose an older person as their therapist; and conversely, hardly anyone, at, say 40 years old, would go see a 20 year old therapist. So their career really start taking off at maybe 40 and it steadily climbs up.

My wife is a therapist. All the therapists in her office are - always - busy, even if they’re 22.

People seek all kinds of qualities in a therapist. “Older and wiser” is not a ubiquitous appeal.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#28

Post by contingencies »

emerged wrote: post #3
brundolf wrote: post #2

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article). It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn'…

I’m about to turn 40 and have never felt less in crisis. Although I have never had any fear of my own mortality which could be what drives the crisis for many people. I also don’t tend to care much about what I’m “supposed” to do in life vs what I want to do.

I'm approaching 40 and in some ways have never felt more in crisis. Partly this is because having assets means exposure to new forms of risk. Major business or life decisions require days of effort over periods of weeks because the complexity and stakes now cross scope and potentiality boundaries that are unsettling at best and downright scary if not tackled in a structured fashion. In short, while I now have better tools, resources, and experience there is nobody to delegate the most critical decision making to, the stakes are vastly increased and the results don't just affect me anymore, therefore any execution what Bezos calls a 'type 1 decision' (effectively irreversible) must now be extremely well considered. Things that help: supportive investors, good lawyers, good doctors, the maintenance of long term friendships completely outside of work and family circles, family, exercise, nature.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#29

Post by kkoncevicius »

germinalphrase wrote: post #27
kkoncevicius wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That might also be related to the occupation of your therapist - being, well, a therapist. Seems like almost everyone would choose an older person as their therapist; and conversely, hardly anyone, at, say 40 years old, would go see a 20 year old therapist. So their career really start taking off at maybe 40 and it steadily climbs up.

My wife is a therapist. All the therapists in her office are - always - busy, even if they’re 22. People seek all kinds of qualities in a therapist. “Older and wiser” is not a ubiquitous appeal.

Nice coincidence - my wife is also a therapist. But to get there, in my country, you need a lot of work and training, you cannot really be a 22-year old therapists. First you have to finish psychology (ages from 18 to 22), then finish Master's degree in psychology (22 to 24) and then another 6 years (24-30) for psychodynamic psychotherapy training coupled with regular therapy for yourself under a more experience advisor. And finally after that you can start calling yourself a psychotherapist.

Here at 22 you can be a psychologist, which is a different thing. They have a lot of work - intelligence tests, emotional support, advice about social stress. But they don't do therapy.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#30

Post by africanboy »

brundolf wrote: post #2

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article). It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn'…

> life begins at 40

Can confirm!

But not in the way people usually think, being younger is awesome while being 40 is not as much.

But I am completely self aware and don't think anymore that I am missing something like I did before.

It doesn't really has to do with 40 as a number, it has to do with the moment one starts accepting himself and lives life the way it was supposed to be lived.

Of course things change with age, but as someone that still is a night owl and still sleeps like a baby and can't easily wake up early in the morning, there is also the fact that you get treated like an adult with their own personality and accepted for that (or not accepted but you learned to not care that much and to move on)

Daily activities are boring compared to what I did not long ago, but they are also more fulfilling and I spend most of my time with people I've been knowing for a long time, that I trust and love and that I can count on.

So, if you ask me, middle life crisis was worse at 30 than at 40.

When I'll be 50 I'll know more, but until now everything has been better in terms of accepting those things that would depress me or make me angry 10 years ago.

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