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I am lonely will anyone speak to me

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Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#191

Post by alisonkisk »

throwaway3699 wrote: post #145
laurent92 wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same kind of experience here in France. I could only find 7 numbers, 2 of which for women only and 1 for teens. So I tried the 4 others and met answering machines such as (textually) “We are open Tuesday 5pm-9pm”. Needless to say, I wish they’d be at least open midnight-to-1am, that would be more useful, it was my peak symptom time. Even more seriously, it is really hard to call someone when depressed, let alone nag…

I'm shocked there are women and teen only lines. Suicide in men is skyrocketing and people just seem to laugh if you bring up points like this.

Men have always been at higher risk for suicide and death in general than women (especially at work in dangerous jobs), at least since childbirth was made mostly safe. But men's lives don't matter in most modern societies, since they are easily replaced.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#192

Post by alisonkisk »

kodah wrote: post #26
tonymet wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does this number actually help? It’s shared kind of automatically but I find it trivializes suicide

I have not used this number and sometimes when these kind of numbers are included in news pieces I have a big eye roll due to it looking like a rubber stamp. That said, I'm part of other groups that are certainly in on-going crises and I'd love to see our resources plastered everywhere, sincerity or not. At the very least it makes some people stop and think, some may donate, some may volunteer. That's worth my eye ro…

My local highway has 100s of those metal gaurdrails and while I know they mean well, only 1 of them has ever been used.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#193

Post by alisonkisk »

smeej wrote: post #163
tw25532050 wrote: post #105

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I appreciate the offer. For me there's no great mystery; I die every night, and wake up every morning with that dead guy's memories. Life takes effort, and keeping that cycle going just hasn't been worth the effort for a long time. I made the decision months ago. I think there are a lot of people who keep putting in the effort only to avoid imposing suffering on their loved ones and others. So, in a way I'm lucky in…

Sincere question: If you already die every night and wake up with the dead guy's memories, why do you think dying this slightly different way would lead to a meaningfully different outcome? Maybe you just wake up somewhere else, with the same memories, but then without even the hope that there might be a way out. Maybe it's just me, but on the off-chance that dying doesn't actually end any of my sufferings, I'd reall…

There are obvious strong scientific arguments for how sleep is different from death. If you are willing to bet on the afterlife existing, why not get their is an angry dragon hiding behind every door you open?

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#194

Post by alisonkisk »

refulgentis wrote: post #81
goldenkey wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Honestly, most of those of us who are lonely also hate corniness and artifice. And that sounds like both.

I feel compelled to share that after 30 years, my social anxiety only started improving once I stopped seeing stuff like this as "corniness" and "artifice" and instead as mundane BS that is step 1 of 100 towards a meaningful relationship. I was not the one blessed person on earth who was going to have lifelong friends fall into my lap from going to work[1] and the grocery store [1] _Small_ FAANG team, artifact of a r…

Exactly right. "Corniness" is a symptom of the beholder's mental health challenge, not the conversation.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#195

Post by chokeartist »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

> 3. Signaling desperation attracts predators far more often than it attracts real friends.

While I have not had this personally happen to me, I have seen more than one friend be the victim of this type of "blowback". While I don't want tell lonely people to not signal that maybe they need/want interaction, I do stress to be careful to whom you open yourself up to (making yourself vulnerable). As sad as it is to say, there are a lot of maladjusted people on the Internet who get their jollies off on trying to hurt and further harm someone who are already going through some type of a rough time.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#196

Post by em-bee »

donretag wrote: post #30
dhaivat wrote: post #4

It goes without saying that this year has been really difficult for most if not all of us. Not being able to see extended family especially during holiday season can feel lonely and depressing. Please, please, please don't make this a solo suffering, use FaceTime, Xoom, WhatsApp, Meet whatever to talk to friends/family if you can. If things feel worse - don't keep it to yourself, for those in the US - 1-800-273-8255'…

"there is a light at the end of this fucking tunnel and we will get through it." As someone that was lonely before COVID, there is no light at the end. Makind friends when over 30 is incredibly difficult. Being an big extrovert in isolation is tough. I want to work in an office, but I probably never will again in our industry.

most of my friends i made past 30. it's just like doreen said here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25533168 it's about finding groups with common interest.

contributing to FOSS is a good place to make friends. other forms of volunteering too.

the difficulty is to do that without having 'to make friends' as the primary goal. that just makes you impatient because not every contact will turn into a friend.

to approach the office work problem, try finding people who would like to share a video connection while working. there are websites to facilitate that.

another way is mentoring. find juniors in your field, and guide them with your experience. i made a bunch of friends as a gsoc mentor and elsewhere.

any hobbies that you might have often also have online communities. join them.

post your interests right here. someone might respond.

as someone else here said, the light at the end of the tunnel is you. put up that light and use it to find friends

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#197

Post by 33degrees »

avhception wrote: post #157
mechnesium wrote: post #79

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve also found it incredibly difficult to help depressed/lonely people without experiencing some kind of backlash. I have a jobless friend who still lives with his parents, and is always lamenting about how terrible his life is, as if phishing for help. When I offer help, he becomes combative, so I try to just avoid the topic until one day he’s ready for change in his life.

To add a perspective here: Being offered help, especially in a way that says "why don't you do X?" can often provoke a reaction that tries to justify oneself. You want to feel validated in your self-pity, and if the solution to your struggles is as easy as "just doing X" all of your bad feelings are your own fault, too. That makes you feel even shittier. So you need claim that it's impractical advice to evade that. M…

I’ll add to this and say that people are mostly looking for validation when discussing problems, and that should always be your first response. If you feel you have valuable advice to give, ask them if they want it and make sure they’ll actually be receptive.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#198

Post by jayski »

watwut wrote: post #147
AnthonyMouse wrote: post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there's something to what you're saying but the terms are slightly wrong. Individualism is ordinarily set in opposition to collectivism, but it's the bastardization of both that have created the problem. On the one hand, social clubs have been evaporating. Bowling leagues, rotary clubs, ham radio clubs etc. They're fading, and this predates 2020. These things are compatible with individualism -- it's freedom…

I don't see how i could go to bowling league regularly and simultaneously keep full time job, be actual non absent parent for kids and maintain at least some relationship with extended family. Bowling social clubs assume everyone has a lot of free time, does not have small kids or offloaded all kids care on partner.

I think if you have small kids to look after, a partner to share this experience with, and extended family you keep a relationship with, - you have a beautiful life. Maybe just try to be more grateful, once the kids are a little older try to find an hour or two per week to hang out with friend.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#199

Post by agagaaga »

jayski wrote: post #90

I struggled with loneliness and depression for almost a decade. Im now married have a beautiful son, and a great social life, I can tell you the secret and its easy: excercise. Thats all there is to it. Dont sign up for a gym membership and show up there confused and intimidated. join some sort of excercise class; crossfit, spinning,jiu jitsu, yoga. I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel…

As a person going through some shit, and I will get downvoted for this, my only response is go fuck yourself. This kind of shit is demeaning. I've run marathons with a running group and lift regularly. At the end of the day, I have never felt more alone.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#200

Post by smeej »

alisonkisk wrote: post #193
smeej wrote: post #163

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sincere question: If you already die every night and wake up with the dead guy's memories, why do you think dying this slightly different way would lead to a meaningfully different outcome? Maybe you just wake up somewhere else, with the same memories, but then without even the hope that there might be a way out. Maybe it's just me, but on the off-chance that dying doesn't actually end any of my sufferings, I'd reall…

There are obvious strong scientific arguments for how sleep is different from death. If you are willing to bet on the afterlife existing, why not get their is an angry dragon hiding behind every door you open?

Sure, there are arguments for how it's different from the outside. From the inside? Who knows? No empirical evidence there. Not a testable hypothesis.

But I'm not the one betting. I'll find out in due time.

The fear that there might be something there has actually occasionally prevented me from making that bet, so I'm sincerely wondering why this other person is so sure it definitely won't be as bad or worse. :shrug:

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