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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#181

Post by ams6110 »

leetcrew wrote: post #164
sillysaurus3 wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So I go up to the pharmacist. He's an older gent about my dad's age. We know each other since I pick up my script for sleep issues every month. "How you doing today?" "Oh, you know how it is." He gives me a weak smile. I can tell he feels worn down from the daily grind. I pick up my script, then think of a way to keep chatting. "Hey, this is going to sound weird, but I also have medical condition. Do you have any adv…

attempting to start a friendship (or more) with someone who is serving you is one of the more risky avenues. if you're both on the same page, it can be totally fine and work out. unfortunately, most of the time you are just another customer to them and you just put them in a situation where they have to figure out how to gracefully decline while still doing the deferential customer service dance.

They are also busy working, and are probably not in frame of mind for chit-chat.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#182

Post by mrfusion »

sillysaurus3 wrote: post #133
pmoriarty wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"it's just hard to meet people in the first place" If it's hard, it's usually a psychological difficulty rather than a lack of opportunity. Unless you live somewhere exceptionally remote, you're usually surrounded by people and opportunities for meeting them are quite frequent. You could strike up conversations most anywhere: from streets to bus stops to parks to bars to dance and social clubs to special interest gro…

So I go up to the pharmacist. He's an older gent about my dad's age. We know each other since I pick up my script for sleep issues every month. "How you doing today?" "Oh, you know how it is." He gives me a weak smile. I can tell he feels worn down from the daily grind. I pick up my script, then think of a way to keep chatting. "Hey, this is going to sound weird, but I also have medical condition. Do you have any adv…

You’re basically describing the whole field of small talk. It’s perfect for stuff like this. And then if he’s interested you gradually progress the conversation.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#183

Post by InclinedPlane »

DenisM wrote: post #59
irrational wrote: post #50

When you were younger you probably made friends because you were all in school/college/university together. Some people make friends at work for the same reason (I've never really understood this though. After seeing them for 8 hours or so the last thing I want to do is spend time with them outside of work.) Where else can you go where people are gathered where friendships are likely to be created? Church/mosque/syna…

* Sports: lifting, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, hiking. * Adult classes: dancing, cooking, painting. * Hobbies: guns, diving, photography, fishing, boating. * Lifestyle: all kinds of travel, alcohol and other substances. * Professional: startups... eh... scratch that. * Charity: pet shelters, soup kitchens, organizing. * Politics: volunteering, door-to-door. The trouble begins when you realize you don't actuall…

And? What ARE you interested in? Books, board games, video games, anime? There are about a zillion conventions, regularly meeting local groups (basically everywhere), and other ways to interact for enthusiasts of those things.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#184

Post by truebosko »

Going through my own such experience, at the ripe age of 32.

Throughout life I had a strong core group of friends. Moved to the city to get a proper job, and grew my social circle. Between my late 20s and today, I've seen my friends move away for various reasons (growing family, can't afford the city, relationships, etc.), and myself having my days taken over by having a baby boy -- which I enjoy every last bit.

It's been an adjustment. Getting used to the idea of having to sit at home most nights because your partner is out (and thus, you need to watch the baby), or simply being too exhausted from work/parenting/life to get back out of the house after you've put the little one down.

Having my own child, combined with my friends growing in various ways as seen my social circle crumble. All in a mere two years. It's actually been a bit shell-shocking!

There's light at the end of the tunnel. I've grown adjusted to my "new normal", and am finding new ways to create new relationships, or re-connect with the old ones. I'm setting up board game nights with the dads I've met in the area, getting out a bit more now that the little one is a bit saner to manage (although we're thinking of a second .. !), and keeping in touch with old friends through online games and scheduling time to see them every few months.

I would implore anyone in a similar situation to not fall into the trap of thinking it's OK to be without friends. Short term, that seems reasonable ("I'm too busy with my kids and work .."), but long term, I can see that having serious effects on your personal life, and family.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#185

Post by astrodust »

emodendroket wrote: post #124
patorjk wrote: post #9

This was something that was discussed recently in one of the Pokemon Go FB Messenger groups I'm in. The group is mostly people in their 30's and 40's, and some of the people don't have any friends outside of the group. The game has basically brought them a network of friends that they didn't have before. And because "raids" (in-game battles of giant Pokemon) require multiple people and for you to physically go somewh…

I met a lot of acquaintances playing Tekken, so I can absolutely believe in the idea that a game would bring people together, even though Pokemon Go is not my thing at all.

I'm absolutely convinced that there's a lot of babies that came about singularly because of Pokemon Go.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#186

Post by 2muchcoffeeman »

loopdoend wrote: post #174
emodendroket wrote: post #117

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

And to think that many lonely people have probably read this, thinking it's normal, adopting her practices...

Well, I think most people have friend systems. Just not quite as brutal.

If you invite someone and they bail 10 times, maybe you stop inviting them.

I am pretty sure certain events I’ve been invited to was only because I was good friends with someone else. And once they stopped going my invites stopped as well.

Some people you’re close to may have other things going on in their lives, but you loop them in anyway for when their situation changes.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#187

Post by leetcrew »

DenisM wrote: post #59
irrational wrote: post #50

When you were younger you probably made friends because you were all in school/college/university together. Some people make friends at work for the same reason (I've never really understood this though. After seeing them for 8 hours or so the last thing I want to do is spend time with them outside of work.) Where else can you go where people are gathered where friendships are likely to be created? Church/mosque/syna…

* Sports: lifting, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, hiking. * Adult classes: dancing, cooking, painting. * Hobbies: guns, diving, photography, fishing, boating. * Lifestyle: all kinds of travel, alcohol and other substances. * Professional: startups... eh... scratch that. * Charity: pet shelters, soup kitchens, organizing. * Politics: volunteering, door-to-door. The trouble begins when you realize you don't actuall…

> The trouble begins when you realize you don't actually care about any of these things.

yeah, this is me. how do you meet the people who just want to sit around, drink a few beers, chat a little, and maybe watch a movie?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#188

Post by jsemrau »

opportune wrote: post #167
jsemrau wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had the same problem. And for the meeting part if solved this problem by creating drop!in, a nearby event happening now app. An example from the other day, I was walking home from work, refreshed the app and realized there is a free Accenture-led API workshop just a few hundred meters nearby. Walked over had free Pizza and beers and had a nice chat with the local MD of the Accenture Digital Lab. This week we will m…

Really cool concept. Downloaded the app, crashes immediately upon loading on my iPhone

Let me check what the problem might be. Shouldn't happen.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#189

Post by jsemrau »

Bjartr wrote: post #144
jsemrau wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had the same problem. And for the meeting part if solved this problem by creating drop!in, a nearby event happening now app. An example from the other day, I was walking home from work, refreshed the app and realized there is a free Accenture-led API workshop just a few hundred meters nearby. Walked over had free Pizza and beers and had a nice chat with the local MD of the Accenture Digital Lab. This week we will m…

I grabbed your app because I've been looking for something like this for a while (there's tons of useless ones that claim to do this) however it's crashing on my Note 5 every time I start it after I signed in.

This is an iPhone app. How are you running it on a Note 5? And there is no signing in necessary. Are you sure we are speaking about the same app?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#190

Post by jsemrau »

opportune wrote: post #167
jsemrau wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had the same problem. And for the meeting part if solved this problem by creating drop!in, a nearby event happening now app. An example from the other day, I was walking home from work, refreshed the app and realized there is a free Accenture-led API workshop just a few hundred meters nearby. Walked over had free Pizza and beers and had a nice chat with the local MD of the Accenture Digital Lab. This week we will m…

Really cool concept. Downloaded the app, crashes immediately upon loading on my iPhone

Are you sure you downloaded the right app? It's this one :

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/drop-in/id1038351294?mt=8

Looking at the data I have received from the sign-up and data selection processes there should have been no problems.

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