Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

wave3.social

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

171–180 of 728 posts

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#171

Post by eesmith »

BurningFrog wrote: post #87
rchaud wrote: post #73

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Having social space that's limited to a set of people one knows, more or less, and that has rules on behavior seems like a civilizing influence that's missing today. You just described a country club, right down to the innate classism and exclusivity rules.

Are male only country clubs legal?

In the US? Absolutely. Private clubs have a broad ability to discriminate.

For an example of gender discrimination at private golf clubs:

https://www.golflink.com/lifestyle/no-women-past-rock-chicag... lists Old Elm, Bob O'Link, Butler National, and Black Sheep Golf Club as four Chicago area male-only golf clubs.

> Perhaps no club makes its restriction more apparent than Black Sheep. At the end of the club’s lengthy driveway sits a large rock and the internal slogan amongst members is, “No Women Past the Rock.”

https://forums.golfwrx.com/topic/2013806-black-sheep-golf-cl... has a comment from last year verifying that gender restriction. I have not verified the others.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#172

Post by monocularvision »

erikerikson wrote: post #124
Telemakhos wrote: post #16

Sometimes I wish we could have "gentlemen's clubs" of the sort that existed in Victorian Britain (not the US strip club version), third-spaces where one could go to read or converse or play cards with other men or even have a meal or a drink. Having social space that's limited to a set of people one knows, more or less, and that has rules on behavior seems like a civilizing influence that's missing today.

Cognitive habit problems aside, this is one of the primary provisions of churches/temples/et cetera. Frequently featuring gender divided activities.

I realize that it is silly to tell non-believers to go to church to fix their problems but it’s funny how often people talk about place or group or organization that seems to be missing in society that was fulfilled by houses of worship in the past.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#173

Post by keiferski »

This idea appears every once in awhile, as it’s obviously a major issue in modern life.

The interesting thing though is how the solution is always location-agnostic. By that I mean it’s never really about a specific cafe or restaurant or soccer field, it’s always an app or service that organizes people to show up in various places.

I bring this up because if you look at places that had lively social activities a few decades or a century ago, they were almost always a specific place.

The neighborhood cafe where locals can stop by at any time and see other locals. The bar that everyone stops by after work twice a week. These are stationary physical locations that don’t require pre-planning, schedules, apps, or anything else.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#174

Post by vineyardmike »

klooney wrote: post #114
brightball wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s what country clubs have mostly been for decades. Makes me want to find the time to take up golf.

I feel like our culture has a strong anti-golf bias. Now that I'm older, any reason to spend a couple hours outside with my friends sounds amazing.

> I feel like our culture has a strong anti-golf bias

Golf, generally, is pretty expensive. It's like minimum $50 for an outing, you need equipment, correct clothes, etc. Some places require membership, often priced intentionally exclusively. It's pretty natural for something exclusionary to get a negative cultural bias.

Oh, and it is a terrible resource hog. You can't fit many people on a golf course at any given time without disrupting gameplay, and all that grass requires a lot of water and maintenance.

> any reason to spend a couple hours outside with my friends sounds amazing

This is, of course, available in many forms that don't involve hitting balls with sticks, but also there are many varieties of ball+stick that satisfy this.

Golfing is an artificial competitive activity that exists in an artificial and manicured version of nature. There is nothing wrong with it if you like the activity, but you can just go for a hike or stroll in a park if you want to be with friends outside.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#175

Post by bluefirebrand »

wkat4242 wrote: post #102
sandspar wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Huh? "Conformist" is the most common type of person on Earth and conformists prefer hanging out with conformists. Social clubs are entirely a conformist phenomena, almost by definition. All those Elk clubs and bowling clubs and so on were chock full of conformists.

I don't agree. If you choose the right club you don't have to conform and you can just be yourself. Especially in the cities there's a scene for everyone. In the countryside it's slim pickings of course so you do have to conform. Maybe that's one of the reason people in small towns are so different, the social dynamic is stricter because there's just not enough people around to form groups of people that are differen…

> I don't agree. If you choose the right club you don't have to conform and you can just be yourself

There is absolutely no such club for many people who are even slightly out of the normal expected range of behavior

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#176

Post by csomar »

parpfish wrote: post #11
allears wrote: post #3

As Groucho said, I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. Here's the thing -- by making it a 'club', and making prospective 'members' pass muster, you're just replicating HR at a big corporation. Friendship isn't so much about matching activities and interests as it is about finding someone whose sense of humor matches yours, or going through the same experience together. No matter how lonel…

counterpoint: back in the long-long ago when i was online dating, the biggest boon it provided was that it gave you a space where you knew that it was okay flirt and that your intentions would not be misunderstood. you never had to guess if it would be a creepy time/place to flirt. you never had to worry about your intentions being misunderstood as "just being friendly". if somebody was on this app/website, they were…

I guess this is less of an issue for male-to-male communication.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#177

Post by bluefirebrand »

cedws wrote: post #135
som wrote: post #100

[flagged]

Introducing women to a group of men completely changes the dynamics, and vice versa. Genders have fundamental differences, and it's human nature to act differently in the presence of the other. Consider also that men may not be willing to be themselves or be open in the presence of women. Are they not allowed to have a space for this? A mixed gender social club inevitably gets raided by a load of dudebros who want to…

> There's no reason women can't have something like this for themselves too you know.

Women do have things like this. There are tons of female exclusive events and spaces in society still

Men aren't allowed to have male-only gyms but women do

That's only one example

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#178

Post by adrianN »

ToucanLoucan wrote: post #165
bluefirebrand wrote: post #153

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They need to be male only spaces because introducing women to the space fundamentally changes the social dynamic among the men, especially the single men I have seen this ever since the moment me and my friends hit puberty in high school, to this very day. When a group of men is hanging out they are more relaxed. The moment a woman is in the space the vibe changes I cannot be the only person who has noticed this

[flagged]

„Just don’t comply with social expectations“ is an advice that is often given but seldomly followed.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#179

Post by bluefirebrand »

nswizzle31 wrote: post #30
noddingham wrote: post #14

Honestly I think you might be grappling with getting older and the change that naturally comes with it. >I've let many of my most meaningful friendships fade. At least you acknowledge that part and aren't bitter at your friends that it is somehow their fault. >but it doesn't feel like when I was in college and hung out with a crew of 10+ people on a weekly basis And it won't, ever again. They'll get married, move awa…

You're definitely on to something. Although early 30s doesn't seem so old, the intense nostalgia of college has definitely waned. I would say I'm more grappling with the reality that it really won't ever again feel like that. I know it's true from a time perspective... I'm married and have a full-time job. But I figured I couldn't let the dream die that easily :) Do you really develop lasting friendships on the cours…

> Do you really develop lasting friendships on the course or in rec league sports? I just haven't had that experience and the popularity of those activities is sky rocketing (see: running clubs) while the problem doesn't seem to be getting any better.

When I did rec league sports most of the guys were there to meet women

There wasn't a men's only league

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#180

Post by eesmith »

mitthrowaway2 wrote: post #117
Animats wrote: post #79

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's the Mechanics Institute Library in San Francisco. I used to be a member. If you want to see people sitting around in wing-backed chairs, half asleep, that's the place to go. It's quite a good library, too.

You're not supposed to talk in a library, so it's explicitly not a social space.

My local library has both quiet areas and social areas, including meeting spaces. There are weekly social events for knitting, second-language practice, seniors, and more.

High school kids go there to work on class projects together, just like I did at the library when I was a teenager.

Post reply on HN