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Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

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Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#161

Post by criveros »

throwawayboise wrote: post #108
howmayiannoyyou wrote: post #28

Not reading that you have kids. If not, that can redirect focus off yourself to something more worthy IF you can maintain SOS as a parent: S = Selflessness. 0 = Objectivity. S = Self-awareness. We tend to feel lost when were aren't challenged or we're hyper focused on ourselves. We tend to feel a level of contentment when we are helping/mentoring others, interacting socially in a positive way, or learning. Hope that…

44 is pretty old to start having kids, IMO, and I would not advise having kids as a way to try to fix your own mental health at any age.

Not for a man.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#162

Post by gizajob »

WYepQ4dNnG wrote: post #149

Man you should enjoy your life. You have no idea how fortunate you are, and here you are feeling unhappy. I don't get it. People out there really struggle to get by day-by-day. I am sorry, but I can't feel sorry for you.

Because everybody suffers. Everybody.

It sounds like he's had the idea that if he flogs himself working hard, then there will be a payoff, and having done that for 25+ years, the result of his hard work is that it's brought him to a point that logistically and financially has left him secure and settled, but nevertheless has not delivered the expectation that the end point of hard work would be contentment. Now his complete lack of deep and meaningful contentment has left him feeling empty and he's now suffering because of that.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#163

Post by rjdagost »

What I'm hearing you say, loud and clear, is that you no longer have a sense of a purpose in life. Drugs (legal or otherwise) will not fill that void for you. I do not believe that you can rekindle a sense of purpose just by thinking about it. I would advise you to try new things that sound interesting to you, and keep exploring until you find something you can pour your heart and soul into. Probably something different from, or at least not directly related to, tech.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#164

Post by beders »

My midlife crisis vanished once I bought a Mach-E. Not even kidding :)

Just keep in mind that you are extremely lucky and privileged. Hundreds of millions of Americans would kill if they could say:

"All mortgages, car notes, and credit cards are paid off and our investments are enough for our day-to-day. I’m really only working for the health insurance."

Maybe you want to explore charity work or helping others achieve what you have achieved.

And, yes, the amount of energy you can pour into things will become lower as you age. I feel it every day having gone back to coding (from a CTO job) but I'm trying not to focus on it too much.

I recently discovered Stoicism which is very helpful.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#165

Post by miltonlaxer »

ajmurmann wrote: post #118
miltonlaxer wrote: post #51

I spent too many years ruthlessly perusing my career and passion for coding. Sure, I have a bunch of a money and my dream job but now what? I spent the last 8 years with a girl that I was certain I was going to marry. She cheated on me last month and I hit rock bottom. I didn't want to code anymore, I didn't even want to play games or get out of bed. I started working out, eating healthy, and improving myself however…

Selfish question to sharing such intimately: what are you doing to meet new people?

I started by reconnecting with anyone I could. Many of them are not people that I would previously consider being friends with (hence why we stopped talking). This isn't a great solution but it might put you in good situations.

Try going to social settings like downtown and not think too much about how "These are not my type of people" or "I don't want to be out partying all the time". You have to go out and approach people to meet new friends. It's uncomfortable and awkward. You'll get rejected and need to brush it off. I've even considered going out solo and just walking around and enjoying myself.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#166

Post by tartoran »

ajmurmann wrote: post #131
bumby wrote: post #105

I have found that when I feel lost, it's usually an indicator that I'm missing one leg of a three-legged stool: 1) Mastery: I need some skill that I feel like I can work at and improve; ideally at a level just at the edge of my competence to continually stretch myself 2) Autonomy: I need to feel like I have the ability to direct my efforts to a certain degree. With your financial resources, I would think you have thi…

Do you find that all these need to come from the same activity? Is it ok if you for example have autonomy at work and are pushing your mastery on wood carving in the evenings and are getting purpose from feeding the poor on the weekends?

I think it is okay to get ones needs from different places. It is ideal when one can find a perfect fit where they all align but it’s not necessary to strive for that.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#167

Post by howmayiannoyyou »

throwawayboise wrote: post #108
howmayiannoyyou wrote: post #28

Not reading that you have kids. If not, that can redirect focus off yourself to something more worthy IF you can maintain SOS as a parent: S = Selflessness. 0 = Objectivity. S = Self-awareness. We tend to feel lost when were aren't challenged or we're hyper focused on ourselves. We tend to feel a level of contentment when we are helping/mentoring others, interacting socially in a positive way, or learning. Hope that…

44 is pretty old to start having kids, IMO, and I would not advise having kids as a way to try to fix your own mental health at any age.

You may have missed the whole SOS caution.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#168

Post by layer8 »

You say that you feel like you have no plan going forward, but it sounds more like you lack a purpose, which is more fundamental. There’s the old adage “be the change you want to see in the world”. Maybe there’s something you’d like to exist in the world and that you could work on to bring about? Just a suggestion of a direction to think about.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#169

Post by siva7 »

bravura wrote: post #116

A lot of comments have said "stay in therapy" or "quit therapy", but my immediate reaction is that maybe you have the wrong (ineffective) therapist and need to switch . My spidey sense went up when you mentioned what "you told your therapist", full stop. I was at least expecting "what my therapist responded" or "what my therapist told me that didn't work". That really (spidey sense, no evidence really) implies that y…

This is so true. It's not easy but the quality of the therapist makes all the difference
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