161–170 of 259 posts
Start a physical activity in a group with other people and aim to do that 3 times a week. Sport, dancing, etc. Yoga, salsa, tango or other dances for instance, as these are activities that will involve at least as many girls as boys.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
There is a lot of toxicity here and I think this is a good example of part of the problem. We have been injecting pc tolerance everywhere with little to no focus on men. Why can't I wear feminine esk clothing like a thumb ring. Men are unable to express themselves with dress or emotionally without being considered unattractive..
OP did not say anything negative about dressing femininely. OP said "sincerely evaluate your style of dress".
Doesn't seem negative to you?
And what's exactly dressing "femininely" or "masculinely"? That's rubbish.
Drop mainstream social media and online dating completely. If you haven't been socially focused for a decade, comparing yourself to people who have is going to destroy you inside. The same goes for porn. Stick to drawings, and avoid anything that has a romantic plot. Focusing on an idealized version of what you're missing out on is only going to hurt you right now.
Find a public area where there are a lot of people out with no specific purpose, like a park. Go out and talk to strangers. This will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but you will get used to it. Old men are typically the easiest people to start a conversation with. They're less likely to feel threatened by you and more likely to be lonely. You can start off with a basic personal question like "do you have any hobbies?" If they seem irritated or uncomfortable, just thank them for their time and move on to the next person. If you set any goals for your outings, make them ones you can reasonably guarantee. Think "I'm going to talk to two strangers today," not "I'm going to make a friend today."
If there are any local group activities that you're even remotely interested in, give them a shot. Being part of a like-minded group feels fantastic and offers a lot of opportunity for building relationships.
I was in just the same position. I adored programming and built my life and self-esteem around my achievements in coding, but I ended up depressed and feeling isolated. My health was also not ideal and I could see issues on the horizon stemming from a poor diet and sitting hunched up in front of a monitor for most of my working hours.
Upon recommendations of family, I joined a gym. I freaking hated it and felt like a fish out of water. I lasted about 10 days and then bailed out.
My small stint trying a gym had left me with a pair of running shoes. So I decided I would try and go out and run early on a Sunday morning around the block near my house. This way if I needed to stop and walk I could do so. Turns out I did in fact stop and walk (quite early on), but I managed to get around the block twice.
I then tried again the next day, and it was much of the same, however something magical happened. My very poor attempt at running became gamified. I hit the internet and started reading up on how to get better at running and then all of a sudden a whole world opened up around the technicalities of running. After just a week or two I started to see improvement from tracking on smart watch. Weeks then turned into months and I started to improve, my weight started to drop and I felt my confidence build. For me personally running worked great for my depression.
It then all escalated from there. I did a park run, met other runners and started to become part of a running community. Now I have so many friends through running its unreal. My career choice is also paying off hugely as WFH as a developer means I get to really manage my time around running out on the trials.
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Tinder has completely messed up dating in terms of spontaneously meeting people. The only chance normal guys have for dating now is via their friend groups and with girls who don't use Tinder (which is still a surprising percentage in certain circles of 'nerdier' girls)
In my opinion the best bet is to choose an activity and do it. You will naturally socialize with other like minded individuals, have some fun, maybe even learn a useful skill, and you will for certain feel good doing it :) People (generalizing here) are attracted to happy, engaged, healthy people. Attractiveness markers are health markers. If you find yourself with an internal voice telling you you are bad or wrong o…
My assumption from the outside is that Tinder is a hookup site, and that you’re not going to meet anyone worth dating there anyway. I’d suggest volunteering with orgs which look to be supported by young members, business groups targeted towards “young professionals”, etc. I’d look for groups that either have regular members or encourage some kind of repeat involvement, so that you have time to meet people and make friends naturally. Lastly, I think it’s important to join such groups with the intent on having fun.
I wish you all the best. I promise you that there are others out there who are also trying to make friends and find someone special.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
OP did not say anything negative about dressing femininely. OP said "sincerely evaluate your style of dress".
The advice does play into classic masculine stereotypes though. Almost like a movie trope where the hopeless nerd finds out he really was a cool jock the entire time. Throw away your nerdy shit, get ripped in the gym, learn martial arts and dress well. All that’s fine if that’s what you want but I don’t think it’s particularly aspirational for everyone. Even if elements like regular exercise and broadened activities…
As for exercise, not everyone needs to get "ripped", but some exercise is likely to benefit everyone - from better cardiovascular health, to just feeling like you have more energy, as well as getting to a more healthy weight. Admittedly, that's why I've been jogging 3km every day for the last month in addition to strength training, and while I felt horrible the first week, things are better now.
Some of the other advice ends up being a tad too drastic, though.
Stopping doing science/maths probably isn't good idea - maybe just slightly decrease the amount of time you spend on them instead?
The amount of time spent gaming should also be controlled, but quitting "cold turkey" could be harmful. For some people it's a way to cope with bad situations or socialize - take away that escapism and you'll be left dealing with all of the other bad aspects of life with no outlet.
Martial arts and joining social groups all seem like good idea, but for the more introverted folks it might actually make them feel worse. Maybe try going to a few meetups at first instead?
As for Tinder and social media - those might lead to you comparing yourself to others too much, which often isn't entirely healthy. Also, dating apps in general don't work for many guys due to societal factors.
You fell into the trap most nerds do -- you focused only on intellectual interests, and neglected other aspects of life. The good news is that you're very young, and have so much time ahead of you still. You just have to have to from now on go all in into making yourself a better, more interesting person to other people, so you can make some friends, get laid and all the rest. Go to the gym, get a nice body. Practice…
> You fell into the trap most nerds do -- you focused only on intellectual interests, and neglected other aspects of life. I think this is valid, but objectively there are so many people who do this and everything else orders of magnitude better. This is what makes me sad, personally. And "just going to the gym", imho, isn't terribly useful advice - I think even CICO isn't realistic for a lot of people. I try starvin…
I was a virgin until 34. In fact, I had never kissed a girl until I met the one who would eventually become my wife, nor had I really ever been on a romantic date with anyone up to that point. She is the only romantic/sexual partner I've ever had (and if I'm very lucky and work hard at it, I hope that will still be true on my deathbed). So if you manage to go on one real date or kiss one person in the next 11 years, you will have beaten me! So that's something you can try to shoot for.
As you can probably imagine, from my late teens all the way to my early thirties, I experienced and accumulated a lot of anguish and unhappiness stemming from the lack of relationship success. But all of that quickly melted away once I got into a relationship. Well, I actually did have pretty severe performance anxiety with my girlfriend/future wife for about a month after our relationship turned physical. But she was amazingly patient with me, and now we have three kids together and (still) a vigorous sex life (people who have young children can tell you that's no small feat). Again, if you manage not to lose your erection the first 30 times you try to have sex with a girl, you will beat me there as well.
Ok, so all this isn't meant as a (very) humble brag about how I turned my pathetic life around and now have a sexy wife and a wonderful life of endless orgasms. I don't have any books or podcasts to offer. Not even a newsletter. The point is that, my life before wasn't actually bad. I was just what used to be called a "late bloomer". But apparently late bloomers are not ok anymore. Now the message in society is that if you aren't humping like mad by 17, then there's something wrong with you, and you're being left behind by all the guys who are drowning in pussy (or gals in dick, or any permutation/combination thereof). That's some grade A bullshit that permeates every facet of American life, from movies to television, to social media, to music, to news, and especially to all those scientific sounding bullshit studies about how many (self reported) partners everyone has bagged by 20/30/40/50 (when actually it's the 60+ folks living in retirement communities that are banging like rabbits and passing out STDs like Halloween candy). All of it is just utter crap of the highest order, but together they create this endless soul-sucking anxiety in our society that we're not getting as much sex as the next guy or gal and therefore represent some kind of a Darwinian dead end not worthy of continued existence. But the truth is, so many relationships are actually quite terrible, in that the people involved really don't care that much about each other and know that the relationships won't last. Yet they get into them out of FOMO or stay in them out of inertia. Yes, they're getting physical pleasure, but there's actually a pretty heavy psychic cost for being in numerous relationships that are disposable or ultimately go nowhere. Not to mention the opportunity costs of being constantly in mediocre to bad relationships and thus missing out on potentially great ones that come along.
So my point is, don't buy into the bullshit narrative on sex that we have all internalized since before puberty. If you don't have a romantic partner, it's not the end of the world. It's just not your time yet. Maybe you're a late bloomer like me. There's nothing wrong with that. There's a lot of good advice of all sorts in this thread, but the best ones are always about working on yourself for your own sake. Once you can find some sense of self satisfaction in really being who you are, then those other relationships will come. I know it sounds like some Kumbaya bullshit, but just because it's trite, doesn't mean it's not true. There's really nothing that kills a social/romantic relationship like a fixation on oneself, whether it be narcissism or self-pity/hatred. When you feel better about yourself, every social interaction will no longer be about your own perceived inadequacies. You'll have the mental bandwidth to really engage with others and to think about and care about who they are and what they have to say. That's how you make real friends and attract the kinds of people that you want to have deep, long-term romantic relationships with.
Good luck, young man. I think there's a good chance your life will turn out alright, if you will take the time to live it. Being in too much of a hurry usually leads to bad outcomes, no matter if it's running, driving, or living. And one last thing, the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin actually gave me a lot of encouragement when I was a 30-Year-Old virgin. It's pretty funny and well-acted, and while not terribly realistic, it lifted some of the burden of anxiety I was carrying. It made me think that I still had plenty of time.
You are obviously willing to take extreme measures to bring an end to your situation; well, then, let’s have a look at the catalogue of extreme measures at your disposal. Suicide is an obvious option, but how about the following alternative:
- Sell everything you have, take the money, and put all of yourself and all your resources into supporting something like Partners In Health; like, literally move to Haiti and dedicate your life to the poorest of the poorest of this country.
That’s just one example from the top of my head, obviously. My point is this: the “spirit” for drastic steps is already there – use it to take the steps that 99,999% of us never muster the courage to take.
Salvation might await you.