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How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

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Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#161

Post by probably_wrong »

bane wrote: post #152
xor1 wrote: post #56

I think the article severely downplays the importance of attractiveness. If the other party finds you attractive, the bar is lowered to the point of you simply being normal/average in terms of intelligence, wit, and whatever else you want to include in your definition of what makes a person "interesting". You basically need to be a vapid idiot to give anyone a bad impression as an attractive person. It's a huge facto…

Yeah, a related and very funny satire of this truth was the old SNL skit on sexual harassment. http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/sexual-harassme...

The video is available also on Vimeo, for those that cannot see it: https://vimeo.com/30042289

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#163

Post by nommm-nommm »

tunap wrote: post #25
rrherr wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

"She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that." Salesmen/Saleswomen know a pat on the back or a touch on the arm can be very disarming. When a stranger touches me purposefully I cannot help but scrutinize the "why?".

Uhhh...I find pats on the back from strangers to be incredibly rude, patronizing, and uncomfortable. Do that to me and I'm likely to just walk away but not before saying "don't touch me."

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#164

Post by wccrawford »

StavrosK wrote: post #154
mdekkers wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

He is for real, no doubt. Also he is correct. I have seen this depressingly often. Anecdote from the trenches: A dev team of about 15. They are working an an algorithm that did some language-type matching. One guy was regarded as the expert on the subject, came up with the algorithm, wrote a paper on it that was the basis of his Masters thesis, and essentially the whole company bowed down in front of him. When I join…

I think you're staring the point right in the eyes, but are missing it: > was a smooth political operator This is it right there. It doesn't matter so much how attractive he was. If he can do politics, it's game over for everyone who can't.

I think the point of his story is that it's easier to be a smooth political operator if you look good.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#165

Post by snarf21 »

non_sequitur wrote: post #24

I learned a while ago that just asking questions isn't enough - sometimes people don't want to talk, or are really boring, there's too big a group to focus on one person, or just constantly interrogating a person gets weird, etc. So you should have some good stories in your back pocket as well. If you think about the most popular people you know, they aren't well received in social settings because they pepper everyo…

I think the hardest part is finding the topic that they are interested. Most people will ramble on about their greatest interest forever. You can't start with "How's work?" or "Watch anything good on Netflix lately?". You have to move into something else like "What have you been doing in your free time?" and then follow up on that. Odds are that they will lead you right to their greatest interest almost immediately. I think questions only has to be clarified with positive reinforcement. If they say they like X, your question needs to validate them too. "I'm not familiar with X but that sounds really interesting. What is the coolest thing about X to you?"

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#166

Post by YCode »

Somewhat related...

Dale Carnegie, this article, et. al describe various methods to be liked, listened to, etc. that all basically revolve around the idea that you should make the conversation about them and their needs. Even smiling is a small step away from outright saying you like them and are willing to listen.

One thing I've found though is that this can be mentally exhausting. It starts to feel like the people around you are starving for attention and suddenly they've found an oasis of it.

But over even a short time the entropy of being on the giving end of nearly every interaction with someone creates a sort of mental energy vacuum.

Certainly I can't be the only one who has experienced this -- how do you maintain your energy or sense of self when you are consistently trying to meet other people's needs?

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#167

Post by criddell »

xor1 wrote: post #56

I think the article severely downplays the importance of attractiveness. If the other party finds you attractive, the bar is lowered to the point of you simply being normal/average in terms of intelligence, wit, and whatever else you want to include in your definition of what makes a person "interesting". You basically need to be a vapid idiot to give anyone a bad impression as an attractive person. It's a huge facto…

Can you recommend a decent everyday sunscreen? The stuff I use is kind of gross and I only apply it when I know I'll burn if I don't.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#168

Post by solotronics »

bardworx wrote: post #101
xor1 wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>And for whatever reasons, I'm more attracted to talking to these (unattractive) people than some Brad Pitt look-a-likes. They tend to make me feel more at ease. I'm actually really interested in why you feel this way, if you could go into more detail.

I can expand a bit on @jaequery's comments, as well as elaborate on "attractiveness", in general. I worked in hospitality (bars/restaurants) for a decade before moving into tech. Working behind "the stick" you get to witness a lot of human interaction. @jaequery may feel more comfortable around people who are not Brad Pitt look-a-like because he/she doesn't have judge them (that much) and, hence, does not have to wor…

This is an incredibly interesting explanation. I don't usually think about how social interaction works on a technical/detailed level like this. As much as I hate to admit I am likely slightly​ autistic and miss some of these more fine grained social details, although I do well by following a learned pattern of being outgoing and friendly. Would love to hear more!

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#170

Post by Lonewxlf »

tyingq wrote: post #2

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

How are all you guys getting feedback on the conversations you have? For example, how do you know that people thought you were "knowledgeable" or "insightful"? Do you merely ask them what their first impression of you was?
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