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How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

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Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#21

Post by rrherr »

throwaway2016a wrote: post #17
rrherr wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

I can't quite put a finger on it but "Wow. That sounds hard." potentially risks coming off as patronizing.

Yes, if you're insincere, it's patronizing. So it requires empathy and curiosity.

If done right, it's just like the old Dale Carnegie quote:

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#22

Post by nunez »

hoodoof wrote: post #15

I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are. I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".

You would be surprised by how many people don't ask me anything in a one on one conversation.

Ask questions. Even if they are dumb. At worst you'll get a weird reaction. At best, you'll find a common link.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#23

Post by tyingq »

bitL wrote: post #5

Am I the only person that feels "hacking other people" for my own benefit is wrong?

Some of the techniques seem that way.

On the other hand, prompting people to talk about themselves, assuming you actually listen, doesn't seem terrible to me. I suppose there's a line between purposefully trying to make an impression and hacking people.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#24

Post by non_sequitur »

I learned a while ago that just asking questions isn't enough - sometimes people don't want to talk, or are really boring, there's too big a group to focus on one person, or just constantly interrogating a person gets weird, etc. So you should have some good stories in your back pocket as well. If you think about the most popular people you know, they aren't well received in social settings because they pepper everyone with questions - they're usually funny, chatty, quick witted, and can either carry or let someone else carry a conversation. Be like that guy/gal, not the one that can only ask questions.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#25

Post by tunap »

rrherr wrote: post #4
tyingq wrote: post #2

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

"She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that."

Salesmen/Saleswomen know a pat on the back or a touch on the arm can be very disarming. When a stranger touches me purposefully I cannot help but scrutinize the "why?".

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#26

Post by CuriouslyC »

hoodoof wrote: post #15

I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are. I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".

You can definitely learn charisma. I wouldn't call myself a smooth talker (I'm way too frank), but I've got a presence that people respond to. More importantly, 20 years ago I was basically a shut in with crippling social anxiety.

I've found that the big key is getting your mind in order. You can work forever on what to say, but if your head isn't right it won't work. On the other hand, someone who is totally centered can say the most random things and people will still like them. Old buddhist monks demonstrate this beautifully.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#27

Post by throwaway2016a »

rrherr wrote: post #21
throwaway2016a wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can't quite put a finger on it but "Wow. That sounds hard." potentially risks coming off as patronizing.

Yes, if you're insincere, it's patronizing. So it requires empathy and curiosity. If done right, it's just like the old Dale Carnegie quote: You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

I think it depends more on how cynical and/or confident the person you are talking to is. A cynical person will assume you are insincere even if you aren't. An unconfident person will think you're just being polite.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#28

Post by akinalci »

bitL wrote: post #5

Am I the only person that feels "hacking other people" for my own benefit is wrong?

Did you read the article? It's not really about manipulating other people. It's more a list of basic social graces that some people learn on their own or from their parents, but others need to be taught explicitly.

It's just like anything else; some people can tackle new subjects completely on their own, but almost everybody benefits from good advice. Why should advice on getting along well with others be withheld?

I don't think anybody intends to be a bore or a jerk, yet obviously some people are. It affects their lives profoundly, and they may lead lonely lives. Withholding advice on how they could be more likable, if they're so inclined, seems a little cruel. If you'd use the same advice to manipulate people, that's on you.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#29

Post by icantdrive55 »

tunap wrote: post #25
rrherr wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

"She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that." Salesmen/Saleswomen know a pat on the back or a touch on the arm can be very disarming. When a stranger touches me purposefully I cannot help but scrutinize the "why?".

Me too. A few years ago, I fell for it. Now--the tip goes down.
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