ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

> My life has been really difficult because I simply cannot, ever, force myself to do something I don't want to do. I think there are cool goals in life I'd really appreciate (...). But each of these goals involves an activity that I inherently don't want to do and therefore cannot make myself do them. Studying for exams to get into a grad program, practicing consistently for an instrument, studying a language that has no real applicable use in my life. I simply cannot do these things.

This is 100% accurate description of me, too. Except, I somehow managed to finish my masters' studies, start a career in software and eventually get a decent job, then get married and had a kid before I got diagnosed and realized where all my anguish comes from, why I barely hold on.

On the one hand, that sucks. On the other hand, this still sucks. I really wish I'd been diagnosed a bit earlier, because even if the kind of lifestyle and perspective you described would've worked for me too, it's too late for me now. I can't afford to try any nontrivial novelty, try different hobbies, or do anything else I've been denying myself, with the intensity I actually need.

No, an hour a week of a new hobby will not do; nothing short of frequent binges lasting uninterrupted for days would do. It's how I learned everything, including the knowledge and experience to give me a solid start in software. I thought I don't need it, I denied myself it to fit better with normal society and regular people, and now it's too late - too many loved ones depend on me not just bailing out and reinventing myself in another industry.

> It's a shame that my ADHD is pretty incompatible with capitalism. I work for a couple years then take a year or more off work, rinse and repeat. I've done this my entire life. Thankfully I work in software that pays well enough, and I'm frugal enough, to make this work. But job hopping plus not caring that much about my work means I don't get FAANG bucks or anything, in fact my salary has always been pretty below average for the work I do. But I make it work.

Yes, like this, and I wish I could do it like you. Wonder if there is another way.

I propose that it could be possible to reduce your imposed structure around eating, sleeping, and bathing.

Let a kid go a few days without a bath. Don't shame them if/when odors eventually emerge. At least be willing to. But I've never had issues. Same with sleeping. And the only real reason sleep is urgent is because waking up at a certain time might be urgent, but if one gets to the evening time tired, they'll take themselves to bed early.

So, I donno.

I basically think you're defending something that's not true. You _are_ imposing all of those things. There would be an easy escape from all of it, for your kid, but for you. Could you see you and the kid as working together to avoid the pressure _from the world_?

"OK, no bathing, no problem. When I don't bath I make sure to put on fresh clothes before going out the next time... usually, but absolutely not always..."

I think you are over-relying on the concept of 'authority'. "I, adult, do this to you, child, because some external authority is making me."

I don't buy it. could you get more creative? or ask them for ideas?

"sometimes I don't wanna shower either. So I don't. because I usually have the power within me to do things that I want to do only when I want to do them."

And now you might be talking (openly, without pushy energy) why you _want_ to shower. Ever. Do you always do it out of obligation exclusively? Is it sometimes relaxing or could be made more relaxing? Turning the light off and lighting a candle can make it super peaceful, and everyone deserves a few minutes of peace.

Also, sometimes we do shower out of obligation, bc we're stinky, but it's totally fine to push the distance between those showers. I've done some long times without bathing, and would feel it important to point out that it's often FINE to not bath for a day or even two, especially if fresh/clean clothing is being worn.

I could prob think of books for creative problem solving. I, personally, would start with "Legal Systems Very Different From Ours" by David Friedman. It's available for free on his website, or amazon/library/whatever. Tons of ideas of collaborative problem solving, if you go through it with the lense of sifting for ideas you might be able to implement around you, to reduce conflict/coercive energy.

good luck to us all.

you're describing to me what sounds like "it would be nice to sometimes be taking seriously, be treated gently, and helped in certain ways".

Often emotional aid is simply a compassionate and present person who sometimes helps a bit. maybe doing their own thing at the same time you're doing your thing, and they know what you're doing or trying to do, and they are not evaluating you for failure but being peaceful within themselves. it's sometimes a really nice thing.

We all deserve to at least sometimes have time with people like this!

Honestly, I was in a similar spot. It was only in my mid-30s that I got a diagnosis, and it was because a lot of my coping mechanisms for keeping ADHD under control were failing.

I struggled a lot through HS and college, which I mostly attributed to having a sort of shitty childhood and generalized depression. But when I started my career and depression issues naturally went away as a result of independence, my issues of attention and focus actually got worse. A lot worse. I could only function in high stress environments with strict deadlines. Which is great when you're working on live ops issues, but bad when you need to complete a big redesign and you have a few weeks to do so. And the stress was having other negative effects.

So I finally got fed up and started talking to people. The more I explained my thought process and how hard it was to hold onto one coherent line of thought and attention, the more I realized this was a problem specific to me. It wasn't something everyone went through, other people could naturally just sit down, work on something and that was it.

In many respects, we have far less control over our brain than we think. So we develop strategies to deal with deficiencies and don't think about why those strategies are necessary in the first place. Recognizing what we don't have control over is a step towards gaining control, and being on ADHD medication made me realize what that actually meant. So you shouldn't think about it as having less personal control, but finally having more.

That's a good way to put it. Though ADHD can also have high focus and then "fuck it I don't care anymore I'm all about x now" lol. But I think you're right about the characterization of distraction. For example in my undergrad I might not do my physics homework but I'm not playing videogames or something I'd do things like trying to use that same physics to program simulations or try to solve other problems that were more interesting to me. Or used that time to teach myself programming, Linux, or other types of math that weren't being taught. It's both a distraction and not. But at first I was very confused at what you were suggesting.