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I am lonely will anyone speak to me

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Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#151

Post by pksebben »

jayski wrote: post #90

I struggled with loneliness and depression for almost a decade. Im now married have a beautiful son, and a great social life, I can tell you the secret and its easy: excercise. Thats all there is to it. Dont sign up for a gym membership and show up there confused and intimidated. join some sort of excercise class; crossfit, spinning,jiu jitsu, yoga. I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel…

But it's so HARD.

Really, though, thanks for posting this. I'm in a slump recently and I've been nagging myself to get up and go (to no avail, nagging has never worked on me anyhow) and it's genuinely helpful to be reminded that others have done it, too and that the results are real.

Today is it. I'ma go running. Cheers!

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#152

Post by watwut »

underseacables wrote: post #64

In my humble opinion, it is critical that we become OK with being alone. I believe that only when we are comfortable by ourselves, can we truly ever be happy with someone else.

I don't think so. If you are isolated from people for too long, you will lose a lot of social skills. People become frustrating and very tiring. You lose ability to relate and to have friends.

All that while feeling very lonely simultaneously. Like, you are lonely, but meeting people makes it worst and makes it plain you don't belong.

That happened to me.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#153

Post by watermelon59 »

pksebben wrote: post #148
watermelon59 wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A number of folks in this thread seem to listen to Jordan Peterson's ideas, which seem smart and reasonable but are actually very toxic. See my reply to the post you were replying to. Thank you for being a voice of reason.

My pleasure. We do indeed have a pretty serious cultural problem, and it's not made any better by closing ourselves off to the wealth of possibility that lies in human interaction. I'm not unsympathetic to the plight of those who feel they've been given the cold shoulder - but hurt people hurt people, so it's important for a community to isolate and identify that damage. Dumbing things down is not the way. Happy holi…

Happy holidays! :)

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#154

Post by unabst »

nowherebeen wrote: post #48
DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

> Signaling desperation attracts predators far more often than it attracts real friends. This is something so obvious but has eluded me until you said it. I have seen this happen in work settings and have never been able to pinpoint it. Thanks!

You become easy prey for vultures.

On a slight tangent but still related, think overdraft fees. We don't live in a world where the bank will give you money when you need it. They will take more away ever since we invented negative numbers.

I want to live in a world where help is automatically routed to those in need, even without them asking for it.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#155

Post by globular-toast »

jayski wrote: post #90

I struggled with loneliness and depression for almost a decade. Im now married have a beautiful son, and a great social life, I can tell you the secret and its easy: excercise. Thats all there is to it. Dont sign up for a gym membership and show up there confused and intimidated. join some sort of excercise class; crossfit, spinning,jiu jitsu, yoga. I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel…

Yep. This 100% matches my experience too. We're the product of a billion years of evolution. Descended from an unbroken line of creatures that move around. It's really little wonder that we get sick when we don't use our bodies the way they should be.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#156

Post by durnygbur »

nicbou wrote: post #146
DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

I think #4 can be explained by a simple phenomenon: if a group is defined by people's desire to leave it, it will eventually be populated mostly by those who can't. This is how many such communities become toxic over time.

e.g. dating apps

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#157

Post by avhception »

mechnesium wrote: post #79
DoreenMichele wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was talking about (online) support groups . It's a statement about a specific environment and it is based on enormous firsthand experience as the person usually being accused of victim blaming for the crime of trying to be helpful.

I’ve also found it incredibly difficult to help depressed/lonely people without experiencing some kind of backlash. I have a jobless friend who still lives with his parents, and is always lamenting about how terrible his life is, as if phishing for help. When I offer help, he becomes combative, so I try to just avoid the topic until one day he’s ready for change in his life.

To add a perspective here: Being offered help, especially in a way that says "why don't you do X?" can often provoke a reaction that tries to justify oneself. You want to feel validated in your self-pity, and if the solution to your struggles is as easy as "just doing X" all of your bad feelings are your own fault, too. That makes you feel even shittier. So you need claim that it's impractical advice to evade that.

My best guess: Your friend is not looking for advice, they're looking for validation of their feelings when lamenting about their life.

But maybe this is a "what you want vs. what you need" situation.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#159

Post by DoreenMichele »

nicbou wrote: post #146
DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

I think #4 can be explained by a simple phenomenon: if a group is defined by people's desire to leave it, it will eventually be populated mostly by those who can't. This is how many such communities become toxic over time.

I know a few things that work. I'm trying to replicate some best practices I know work.

This is just a challenging problem space. Some things are actually hard to do.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#160

Post by johnchristopher »

brundolf wrote: post #127
theboat wrote: post #76

Sometimes it feels like we're in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, created or exacerbated by technology like the internet. But the data doesn't actually line up with that belief: https://ourworldindata.org/loneliness-epidemic It looks like we are generally as lonely as we were throughout the 20th century. Perhaps that's a sign the internet hasn't yet lived up to its promise as the great unifier. The fact that the g…

Totally speculating, but I think cultural loneliness may be rooted in individualism. Which isn't to say individualism is intrinsically bad, but one of its trade-offs is the devaluation of relationships, especially ones you haven't gone out of your way to initiate and maintain. Which is to say: the problem was never a lack of communication channels.

I am just connecting your comment about individualism and a tweet reply to a tweet that cited the fact that the TSA has recorded similar numbers of travellers on Christmas Eve compared to precovid days. It stated that it was because Americans value the economy and freedom over anything.

But that freedom is used by individuals to gather with others.

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