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Why making friends as an adult is harder

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Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#141

Post by yosito »

wkirby wrote: post #4

I made my first new friend in years simply by… asking. Struck up a conversation with a guy in line for coffee, on my way out of the cafe went up, gave him my number, said I was looking to make new friends. The world is more like the playground than you might think. Just ask if someone wants to be friends. They probably do.

I'm 37. Any time I strike up a conversation with someone new who seems like an interesting person, I end the conversation by asking to exchange contacts. In the context I live in, that usually means scanning a WhatsApp QR code, or asking for an Instagram or Telegram ID. Then I invite them to the next suitable thing I want to do. I make 3-5 new friends a week this way. Of course, not all of them become close, reliable friends, but I'm never alone, and the ones I click most with become closer friends over time.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#142

Post by labster »

phil21 wrote: post #88
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhaustin…

Isn’t factory and office work the social experiment? Just a couple centuries ago most work was done at home, or out on the farm, with only the owner/tenant and his family around. WFH is somewhat of a reversion to the historical mean.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#144

Post by labster »

ilbeeper wrote: post #115
nobodyandproud wrote: post #103

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If it weren’t for church services and semi-regular in-office work, my in-person contact would be just wife and kids. I believe the Japanese have a near analogous term for this: Hikikomori.

Having regular contact with a wife and kids makes you far from being a Hikikomori.

Not if the wife is a dakimakura and the kids are anime figurines

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#145

Post by sdh9 »

technothrasher wrote: post #35
PittleyDunkin wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?

I’ve found most of my new friends in my 50’s by going to little local museums that interest me, such as a small clock museum and a military history museum, and inserting myself into them by volunteering to help out.

I volunteered at a museum when I moved to a new city, thinking that I would meet people. I determined that exactly two types of people volunteer at museums: students/recent graduates that want to build a career in that field, or retired folk.

I wasn’t in a phase where I desired meeting either of those groups, so while volunteering was a positive experience, the social aspect of it was not.

I actually felt a little guilty volunteering-- the selection process was a little competitive and I didn't want somebody who wanted to get a start in their career turned away.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#146

Post by snakeyjake »

timoth3y wrote: post #108

Most of the things mentioned in the article result in making friends as an adult being different than making friends as a child, but not necessarily harder. I'm in my late 50s and continue to make new friends. I think the larger problem is that many approach friendship with the wrong expectations. As Zig Ziglar said. "If you going out trying to find a friend, friends are scarce. If you go out trying to be a friend, f…

>"If you going out trying to find a friend, friends are scarce. If you go out trying to be a friend, friends are everywhere."

My brain solidified late, in my late 30s, but it did eventually solidify and when it did something like a switch or circuit breaker flipped and I came to this conclusion

I'm going to pretend that I came to it independently.

I have more, closer, friends in my 40s than I did at any time in my life previously.

I don't even know how it happened, I think that I just stopped caring about any potential for embarrassment and I learned that a good conversation is equal parts statements and questions.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#147

Post by wkirby »

yosito wrote: post #141
wkirby wrote: post #4

I made my first new friend in years simply by… asking. Struck up a conversation with a guy in line for coffee, on my way out of the cafe went up, gave him my number, said I was looking to make new friends. The world is more like the playground than you might think. Just ask if someone wants to be friends. They probably do.

I'm 37. Any time I strike up a conversation with someone new who seems like an interesting person, I end the conversation by asking to exchange contacts. In the context I live in, that usually means scanning a WhatsApp QR code, or asking for an Instagram or Telegram ID. Then I invite them to the next suitable thing I want to do. I make 3-5 new friends a week this way. Of course, not all of them become close, reliable…

I’m 36 and my new daughter (8 months) has helped me come out of my shell. It’s given me something to connect with other people about.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#148

Post by sandspar »

thrw42A8N wrote: post #70
PittleyDunkin wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?

Make your own meetup. Honest advice, everybody sort of sees you as the guy to become friends with if you're the leader.

This also works for hosting things in general, not just meetups. If you host something then everyone there will want to make friends with you.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#149

Post by sandspar »

f1shy wrote: post #27
PittleyDunkin wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?

Specially having same sports interests, does not help in finding people with more or less same values/ world view. I cannot really make good friends with people on the opposite side of my thinking.

There's lots of clubs that are politically aligned. Board games and Dungeons and Dragons and maker spaces tend to be progressive, certain types of volunteering lean conservative.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#150

Post by skeeter2020 »

dinosaurdynasty wrote: post #89
phil21 wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhaustin…

> Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance I don't see how WFH makes this worse, in fact it probably makes it better (less time spent commuting, more ability to end the day early with a flexible employer, etc)

If you are or know someone who uses the time savings from not commuting to persue anything outside the house, you are in the vast minority.
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