It's an old virtue that's thought to be good for society, which I imagine is why it's proselytized. But refraining from offering forgiveness need not be a burden. There are people I will never forgive, nor bother to think about. It's not a matter of carrying hatred, it's just a judgment. Forgiveness is an absolution that returns people into good graces: I don't see why, in a blanket sense, everyone who's done exceptional harm should return to everyone's good graces. Petty slights can be more easily forgiven, as everyone will eventually cause offense and consider it a mistake.
Why forgiving someone else is about you
141–150 of 251 posts
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#142"Hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"
Recently I realized I was poisoning myself with intense negative thoughts and feelings about someone. Then I also noticed those thoughts feelings were only impacting me, not the other person at all. Finally I decided to forgive that person for what they had done to me, and when I started that process it became evident that in order to accomplish it, I actually needed to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for judging, for holding a grudge and for hating.
Then I wrote down a list of all the people that I felt even a little bit negative about. At first I thought it was going to be a short list, but it ended up including over a hundred people. So I discovered that hiding subtly in my mind and within my feelings, I was secretly holding anger/hate/negativity for a lot of people.
After putting together the list, I started wishing love and wellbeing to everyone in it, individually, one by one. Kind of like going through my body and taking care of every little wound or cut I could find.
I tried going through the list and having positive feelings about those people every day for a few weeks. It did wonders for me.
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#143Earlier quoted context omitted.
> you can't fool yourselves into thinking you aren't hungry Interesting take. Friends of mine who grew up in poverty would tend to disagree - from what I’ve heard it becomes very natural to ignore hunger to the point of it going away entirely. This is more or less the only way to have a semi-pleasant life, given you won’t be at a healthy nutrition level regardless.
Long time ago I went by without eating a few days, your body stops nagging you for food so much, peak hunger is about 24 hours later and then slowly but steadily you feel it less strongly, it never truly goes away, just less powerful.
> a few days
For some friends, this was more like 10+ years in the core development phase of early childhood. I think the two experiences are more or less incomparable.
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#144> Without forgiveness, accumulated resentments extract a toll, says forgiveness coach Kym Kennedy. Without snake oil your accumulated borxins extract a toll on your health, says snake oil salesman. We get angry to have an emotional STOP sign attached to certain experiences, people, things, etc. You should always forgive like you should always forget that fire burns. Go ahead, put your hand back in, get it out of your…
I too think that that's just folk psychology, with little or no proof. I'm pretty forgiving, but there's one person, a one time best friend, I cannot forgive. However, I don't dwell upon it, and it doesn't exact a toll. I think they chose "forgiveness" just to draw attention.
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#145> Contrary to popular opinion, the practice of forgiveness is not about condoning or making excuses for unfair treatment and other hurtful behaviors. It's not about getting an apology or a show of remorse from the offending party. I'm not sure it's popular opinion to receive some sort of apology or show of remorse. What are other perspectives on this? My view has been that forgiveness is independent of an apology. An…
For an example:
It’s very common for victims of rape to be told to forgive the family member who raped them and not “cause drama” in the family.
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#146> a forgiveness author and peace educator
What is a peace educator?
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#147Corollary: Never tell anyone else you forgive them unless they ask for it. Otherwise it's just some sort of passive-aggressive way of telling someone they've wronged you and that you're the better person. If forgiving someone is for you and they're not asking for it, you can keep it to yourself.
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#148As somebody who's struggling to forgive somebody who's wronged me, I find this article to be a bit wishy-washy, like this: > Reexamine your perceptions of life events that have trapped you in the role of victim. well, what if somebody really truly was a victim? What if one's parents have condescended and belittled them for decades? What if one's mother is abusive and drinks too much? What if somebody spent their enti…
I also don’t buy the narrative of “nobody intends to be mean they just don’t know any better”. This line is popular in management and self help circles and I feel these people haven’t rubbed shoulders with true evil and frankly are ignorant.
I prefer to think of forgiveness as releasing one’s attachment to the trauma and leaving those folk to stew in their own poison while moving onwards and upwards.
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#149As somebody who's struggling to forgive somebody who's wronged me, I find this article to be a bit wishy-washy, like this: > Reexamine your perceptions of life events that have trapped you in the role of victim. well, what if somebody really truly was a victim? What if one's parents have condescended and belittled them for decades? What if one's mother is abusive and drinks too much? What if somebody spent their enti…
I think C.S. Lewis does a good job explaining what forgiveness really means: “For a good many people imagine that forgiving your enemies means making out that they are really not such bad fellows after all, when it is quite plain that they are. Go a step further. In my most clear- sighted moments not only do I not think myself a nice man, but I know that I am a very nasty one. I can look at some of the things I have…
Thanks for this quote. Well said, and poignant.
I aspire to one day speak English real good.
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#150"Hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" Recently I realized I was poisoning myself with intense negative thoughts and feelings about someone. Then I also noticed those thoughts feelings were only impacting me, not the other person at all. Finally I decided to forgive that person for what they had done to me, and when I started that process it became evident that in order to acco…
I like your post in that it takes "forgiving" and makes it a practice.
I often think I'm aligned with something only to realize I'm telling myself I'm aligned (that I "know"), but I haven't done anything with that alignment. You have to do it too, even if it's working through the thought process.
I guess "transformation" is taking the "knowing" and making it "doing".