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Why forgiving someone else is about you
111–120 of 251 posts
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#112In Orthodox Christianity they have "Forgiving Sunday" every year. Many people (in Russia, for example) ask for forgiveness once a year, and everyone forgives. Like for real, it's happening to folks of all ages, including progressive folks of 20-30 age.
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#113It's interesting to see modern-day “certified forgiveness coachers” transmit the millenia-old Christian teaching on sin, resentment and forgiveness.
was about to remark the same thing. Seeing an article like this in what is allegedly a Christian culture is a little bit funny.
Do we really need to teach people that forgiveness, properly understood, is an act of virtue rather than some sort of bargain?
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#114"To forgive and forget means to throw away dearly bought experience.” - Schopenhauer
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#115"To forgive and forget means to throw away dearly bought experience.” - Schopenhauer
I used to believe that those two were the same but since a few years ago I have come down closer to this.
That said I really do forgive even if I don't always forget:
- the person will get cake/discounts/etc and I won't seek revenge
- I might not however hire them / defend them / etc
I've struggled a bit with this and a number of similar problems since according to my religion there's no forgiveness for me unless I forgive others and I actually have a past so I better not void the deal ;-)
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#116There's some truth to this, but this therapeutic reduction does a disservice to the traditional (and fuller) practice of forgiveness:
> In the new therapeutic dispensation, however, forgiveness is all about the forgiver, and his or her power and well-being. We have come a long way from Shakespeare’s Portia, who spoke so memorably in The Merchant of Venice about the unstrained “quality of mercy,” which “droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven” and blesses both “him that gives and him that takes.” And an even longer way from Christ’s anguished cry from the cross, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And perhaps even further yet from the most basic sense of forgiveness, the canceling of a monetary debt or the pardoning of a criminal offense, in either case a very conscious suspension of the entirely rightful demands of justice.
From: https://hedgehogreview.com/issues/the-post-modern-self/artic..., which I highly recommend reading, as it's super relevant not only to our personal lives, but to the cultural moment we find ourselves in.
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#117As somebody who's struggling to forgive somebody who's wronged me, I find this article to be a bit wishy-washy, like this: > Reexamine your perceptions of life events that have trapped you in the role of victim. well, what if somebody really truly was a victim? What if one's parents have condescended and belittled them for decades? What if one's mother is abusive and drinks too much? What if somebody spent their enti…
You caught yourself in a trap (similar to which I also did). Yes, your parents were assholes. What has to be realized is that yes: your parents were assholes and this probably did had a (severly) negative effect in your PRACTICAL life. But what must be understood is that what is done is done. This doesn't meat that you say "my parents are ok". This means that you, on a deep level, realize that your parents have issue…
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Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#118As somebody who's struggling to forgive somebody who's wronged me, I find this article to be a bit wishy-washy, like this: > Reexamine your perceptions of life events that have trapped you in the role of victim. well, what if somebody really truly was a victim? What if one's parents have condescended and belittled them for decades? What if one's mother is abusive and drinks too much? What if somebody spent their enti…
For me, forgiveness is a way of severing myself from the past. It is a way to stop ruminating in the present. It has saved me from myself.
But it's not abstractly total. Not continuous. Forgiveness is a state I can work myself into. That working-myself-into is often a path toward understanding and empathy. Neither of which I mistake for excusing the behaviors. And when someone doesn't feel they've done anything wrong they're not in the market for forgiveness, so all my forgiveness is for me anyway.
So forgiveness severs the past and lets me move forward in the present and take the future with the understanding I found on my journey to it. The understanding shapes my future interactions and non-interactions with someone I forgive.
Forgiveness isn't trust. It doesn't abolish all the consequences of violating my trust. I've forgiven someone and cut them out of my life. Forgiveness doesn't change my boundaries except in so far as the understanding I've found on the road to it has shown my own unreasonableness.
Good luck.
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#119> Contrary to popular opinion, the practice of forgiveness is not about condoning or making excuses for unfair treatment and other hurtful behaviors. It's not about getting an apology or a show of remorse from the offending party.
I'm not sure it's popular opinion to receive some sort of apology or show of remorse. What are other perspectives on this? My view has been that forgiveness is independent of an apology. An apology might lead to forgiveness for some, but shouldn't be expected nor is it a requirement.
As an aside, it also seems forgiveness has fallen out of favor as a public virtue, if not in popular opinion, then in practice. When someone makes a public mistake, many people want to make it as difficult as possible to move on, a vindictiveness that is the polar opposite of forgiveness. Or I'm mistaken, and the change is that everything is more public now.
Also, hope everyone had a laugh at "certified forgiveness coach."
Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you
#120As somebody who's struggling to forgive somebody who's wronged me, I find this article to be a bit wishy-washy, like this: > Reexamine your perceptions of life events that have trapped you in the role of victim. well, what if somebody really truly was a victim? What if one's parents have condescended and belittled them for decades? What if one's mother is abusive and drinks too much? What if somebody spent their enti…
> Is it even possible to forgive somebody who honestly doesn't think they've done anything wrong?
The working definition of forgive that I use is 'to give myself as before'. It's a useful test for me, I can just ask if I'm giving myself as I was before. It's not always possible to forgive. And religion makes light of it which causes problems for people that want more than just lip service.