How bullying may shape adolescent brains • Hacker News Board

Re: How bullying may shape adolescent brains

#141

Post by dragonsngoblins » Thu, Oct 10, 2019, 10:14 PM UTC

w45yq3a wrote: post #115

tempguy9999 wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can confirm, and I'm a lot older than 30. It's done huge, irrecoverable damage, caused me a lot of serious mental problems (recovering now from a year of serious crap that made me unable to work for a year). I'm actually pretty mentally robust at core, but that got beaten out of me (or, I should say, out of us). Memory and personality problems etc. Drug problems. Few life/sex partners because you're so wound up you c…

Has anything helped? 26, similar situation, have slowly lost my identity / personal narrative after years of school and work thousands of miles from my family.

For me two things have helped a lot with self esteem/coming out of this kind of situation.

Firstly it is focusing on self improvement in a healthier way. I don't think about what I would like to improve or could do better so much as I focus on what I have been doing better. It is sort of not letting perfect be the enemy of good. Having an ideal version of yourself you aspire to is fine, so long as you recognize you won't ever be perfect, and the more you improve the more the mental ideal is likely to move. So instead of paying attention to how far away I am from my ideal self I instead focus on how I am (hopefully) a little bit closer than I used to be at regular intervals.

For me personally participating in activities where I can objectively measure improvement has been a big help in regard to the above. For example weight lifting is a form of exercise I find I enjoy a lot because I can measure it (more weight this week, more reps, etc).

The second was to focus on not feeling personally responsible for everything in life. I used to apologise to people if the weather was bad and they complained about it. Putting effort into not acting as if I should be responsible for everyone and everything helped.

The last thing is probably just a product of time, distance, and stability. I used to have a hard time trusting in good things when they happened because feeling good just meant I'd feel worse later. Having a stable life with good things in it for long enough means I'm not constantly on guard for the inevitable sucker punch from life... I still do occasionally just feel anxiety that something non-specific yet terrible is about to occur, but nowhere near as often as I used to. Directing some effort into taking pleasure in your life may help with that.

Re: How bullying may shape adolescent brains

#142

Post by dragonsngoblins » Thu, Oct 10, 2019, 10:15 PM UTC

peterangular wrote: post #107

magduf wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>I would be severely tempted to say in response: "From now on, everything that is done by bullies to my child, I will do to you. >Obviously that may not actually turn out to be practical I like this idea. For it to work, you probably need an accomplice, and to make sure there's no witnesses. Have an accomplice provide an alibi ("no, he was at home with me at that time"), and make sure there's no witnesses when you be…

It wouldn't work - you would just get arrested. I think that's part of the point - there are consequences for adults exhibiting this sort of behavior where there are arguably very few/none for children. As much as I love watching the "Ray Velcoro Beats Up Bully's Dad" bit, it's just Hollywood. If someone pulled a stunt like beating up a principal, or an abuser's father, you would immediately be a criminal and you'd b…

Well keep in mind that Ray got a way with it because he was a detective. It isn't like he was just some guy.

Re: How bullying may shape adolescent brains

#143

Post by countingsheep » Thu, Oct 10, 2019, 10:16 PM UTC

UncleOxidant wrote: post #129

50-something here. I was bullied a lot in elementary, jr. high and high school probably because I was the nerdy kid who was into science. We also moved a lot so I was always the outsider. While my home life was fine (my parents were great) I do suffer from anxiety and difficulty staying in a job for more than a year or two. I've only recently started to make the connection with the bullying I received. Back in the 70…

Your words exactly describe my struggles in childhood and career. The only difference is I did Tae Kwon Do and my schools cracked down on bullying after Columbine because they were scared one of us nerds might snap.

Re: How bullying may shape adolescent brains

#144

Post by ekanes » Thu, Oct 10, 2019, 10:26 PM UTC

astura wrote: post #109

redleggedfrog wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your Mom?! Holy crap, that's a source that hadn't occurred to me. Good job getting it together - that must have been a tough row to hoe.

Parents are the absolute worst bullies. I'm not saying every parent bullies their children, I'm saying the ones who do the bullying is much worse than anything peers can dish out. And it's more persistent and impossible to escape. Then they turn around and act normal in front of other people so the fucked up kid looks like the bad guy to outsiders. From as far back as I can remember until I left for college my mom be…

I'm very sorry this happened to you.

Re: How bullying may shape adolescent brains

#145

Post by magduf » Thu, Oct 10, 2019, 10:27 PM UTC

wallace_f wrote: post #132

magduf wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Seems to me a large part of growing up is keeping up with the herd. Like a pack of zebras in the savannah. If you stray too far behind or show weakness, you get picked off by the roving lions. Yeah, but you don't see the zebras beating the crap out of each other for being too slow. They just let the lions do it. With us humans, we don't just leave others to their own devices; instead, we take on the role of the pred…

Are most people are evil in this way? Most laugh and exhibit schadenfreude. Most of my friends who I played Simcity or GTA with were maniacal murderers in these games.

Most? I don't think so. But some small but significant fraction, perhaps 5% really are, and then they're able to get a good chunk of the rest of the herd to follow along with them.

Re: How bullying may shape adolescent brains

#146

Post by ekanes » Thu, Oct 10, 2019, 10:27 PM UTC

I was bullied in school, and jiu jitsu feels like it's re-wiring my brain and erasing much of the damage (fear of conflict, especially with males).

Re: How bullying may shape adolescent brains

#147

Post by etagobla » Thu, Oct 10, 2019, 10:29 PM UTC

bullied wrote: post #116

I was bullied badly as a child and am permanently suicidal, with no trusting relationships and failed life: homeless, mentally ruined, no career, assets, accomplishment, etc. It’s to the point where, decades after having said to self “people are shit and I don’t want to be alive anymore” as a child, I turned down a million dollar inheritance to keep close to a permanently suicidal self-imposed destiny. It’s difficult…

I think it's incredibly mature of you to realize this and accept it without the anger towards women that is so common among young men these days.

Re: How bullying may shape adolescent brains

#148

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Oct 10, 2019, 10:46 PM UTC

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Re: How bullying may shape adolescent brains

#149

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Oct 10, 2019, 10:48 PM UTC

wallace_f wrote: post #131

zozbot234 wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yup, that's exactly what narcissism is. "I can't possibly deal with being made to feel like a loser, so I will hurt those who might otherwise threaten my exaggerated ego". It's not a healthy mindset at all, it's a sign of serious pathology.

Aren't most people like this, though?

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Re: How bullying may shape adolescent brains

#150

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Oct 10, 2019, 10:53 PM UTC

ukj wrote: post #43

afandian wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your comment has obviously split opinion here, but I think it mirrors the way that society is split in the justice debate. Approach 1: "People who hurt other people should be hurt back" Approach 2: "We should try to understand why people hurt other people" I used to think these were correlated with political spectrum (approach 1 on the right, appraoch 2 on the left). But these patterns happen across the spectrum. The…

I never quite understood the pragmatic purpose of Approach 1. If punishment has no measurable, positive effect - why do it? Combine with Hanlon’s razor and indeed - victims become bullies when they default to Approach 1 when harm (rather than misunderstanding) is perceived.

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