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How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

parenting.nytimes.com

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Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#141

Post by happytoexplain »

johnwheeler wrote: post #139

“a widespread and deeply ingrained belief among fathers: that because their bodies haven’t undergone the myriad biological changes associated with pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding, they’re not as biologically and psychologically “primed” for caretaking as women are.” I doubt that this concern is “widespread”. Sounds like the author creating unnecessary urgency for an already interesting topic.

Really? To me, that seems as obvious a majority thought as the more general "women are more child-oriented than men".

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#142

Post by seidleroni »

agent008t wrote: post #136
roland35 wrote: post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Having two kids myself, it has been the best thing to happen to me by far. I never really thought about having kids until my late 20's, so I can understand why people may want to go child-free. Kids are a huge investment of time and effort after all! But personally I could not imagine it any other way. Also, it is nice to have a receptive audience to dad jokes.

So are the others in this thread exaggerating the negatives? Or is it more that those difficulties are fairly short-term, and in the longer run don't really matter / are forgotten? Say, like preparing for and sitting a difficult exam, or going to the dentist, etc.

As a dad myself (2.5 yr old and an almost 1 year old), the negatives do not seem to be exaggerated at all. Going to work as a software engineer is the easiest part of my day, by far. What is not always mentioned are the wonderful parts of it, which is hard to describe. Scott Hanselman wrote something where he said that having kids is 49% awful and 51% amazing, and that 1% makes all the difference, and it really hits the nail on the head. I also think its worth putting into perspective that every week it gets a tiny bit easier. I'm happy I no longer have crying babies in the house, and soon my oldest will be potty trained. It sounds cliche but it is the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#143

Post by johnwheeler »

happytoexplain wrote: post #141
johnwheeler wrote: post #139

“a widespread and deeply ingrained belief among fathers: that because their bodies haven’t undergone the myriad biological changes associated with pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding, they’re not as biologically and psychologically “primed” for caretaking as women are.” I doubt that this concern is “widespread”. Sounds like the author creating unnecessary urgency for an already interesting topic.

Really? To me, that seems as obvious a majority thought as the more general "women are more child-oriented than men".

I didn’t lactate and therefore I’m not as psyched to be a dad? I’ve never seen (nor felt) any such phenomenon.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#144

Post by rgrieselhuber »

agent008t wrote: post #132

So, reading this thread is making me really not want to have children. Seems like one would have to be completely insane to voluntarily sign up for that. People that have children. Do you think it was honestly a good idea in retrospect, and if so, why? If your wife had been on the fence about having children, would you have preferred to go child-free, in retrospect?

Probably one of the goals of the article. All of your ancestors to this point seemed to do just fine.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#145

Post by germinalphrase »

agent008t wrote: post #132

So, reading this thread is making me really not want to have children. Seems like one would have to be completely insane to voluntarily sign up for that. People that have children. Do you think it was honestly a good idea in retrospect, and if so, why? If your wife had been on the fence about having children, would you have preferred to go child-free, in retrospect?

I have a six month old, so I’m still kind of transitioning. I wouldn’t have wanted to be pressured into this, but I’m also very in love with my son. My life is better with him in it even if I get bummed out about the loss of autonomy and free time.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#146

Post by knolan »

thisone wrote: post #73
knolan wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve piled on the weight since our second was born. I attribute it to the reasons mentioned here and also that I’ve not been cycling to work for the last several months. We bought a new home and don’t currently have a place to store my bike so it’s been languishing in my office. So I take the bus because owning two cars is prohibitively expensive here in Europe. The bus is slower than car and bike so I’m rushing out…

always interesting to see the differences in commute times per vehicle. Where I am now, it's just over 7 miles to work, cycling is generally faster than the bus, bus is much faster than car (bus lane for > 50% of the journey).

It’s been interesting as my commute changed from 7km to 18km to 22km in the last year.

The 7km commute was a no brainer by bike. It took a leisurely 20 minutes where as the car would be much the same with lots of tedious traffic. Bus wasn’t an option on this route.

When I changed job my commute was 18km across the city. The car route involved a toll on a congested motorway or through stop start city congestion. The bus route required two buses with various degrees of waiting time made worse on the way home because of the one specific bus I needed that always appears unreliable. The car would take at least one hour bus would take up to two hours and the bike about 50 minutes.

Now that we’ve moved home I’m even further away but there’s a direct express bus that takes just 70 minutes. The car route is better, no toll and better connected, but is still an hour in traffic and the bike is about an hour.

Cycling is great because you arrive to work energised, but it’s tough to do everyday and still have energy for the kids at the weekend, so I’ll buy an ebike and cheat.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#147

Post by roland35 »

tus88 wrote: post #60

> Women become pregnant before they become mothers. Men become pregnant after they become fathers. I heard this joke a while ago, and while cruel seems to have an element of truth to it by observation. Lack of sleep, lack of exercise, less time to make healthy meals seems to be a terrible combination for weight gain.

The dad-body is real! As hard as it is for men I still think it is much harder for moms.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#148

Post by pbhjpbhj »

bambataa wrote: post #43
btmiller wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most reliable method in my own experience: simply eat less. Eat your normal amount of meals, shovel it in your mouth, but stop before finishing the whole portion. I eat maybe 75% of each meals and toss the remaining bits. Do it for a couple months and watch the weight magically shed off. It works because it requires no change in meal-type habits; it’s simply fewer calories. End of the day, that’s always the goal and…

Can’t you just serve yourself less food rather than deliberately wasting a quarter of it?

If you choose to do this then using a small plate, anecdotally, can help; it still looks like you're having a plate full of food.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#149

Post by drewg123 »

pricees wrote: post #20

I was hoping this would explain my weight gain but I suppose I have to accept that replacing daily workouts with 3 bowls of ice cream and magic shell may be the culprit.

When my son was born, he didn't sleep well, so I didn't either. My wife has a career and I was an equal partner in his care. It didn't help that I was working 80+ hours a week on something that was key to the success of the small company I worked for. Add in stress eating, and cutting out exercise due to perceived lack of time, and I gained 10-15lbs a year until my son was 4 or 5.

My son is 13 now, and its only in the last few years that I've really started to take care of myself. I've started exercising, stopped eating junk, and tried to make time for sleep. The result is I've lost 60lbs over the last few years, and am in better shape than I've been since highschool. However, I still don't sleep as well as I did before he was born.

My advice to new dads is: Take care of yourselves. Eat right. Don't cut out exercise to save time.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#150

Post by nvarsj »

agent008t wrote: post #132

So, reading this thread is making me really not want to have children. Seems like one would have to be completely insane to voluntarily sign up for that. People that have children. Do you think it was honestly a good idea in retrospect, and if so, why? If your wife had been on the fence about having children, would you have preferred to go child-free, in retrospect?

I'm a father of two, one who is nearly a teenager, so I'm still on the journey.

Having children is a life experience. A hard one, that will change you. It is certainly not the easy route. If you want a life of low stress and self satisfaction - having no kids makes a lot of sense. And I'd never begrudge anyone who makes this choice (of which I know many).

Choosing to have a family means you are willing to sacrifice your own goals to some extent. I think you could say the same about any relationship - you generally have to give up some of your own time and or desires to make a relationship work, whether short term or long term. Having kids is probably the most extreme version of this.

What do you get out of it? Life long companionship, for one thing. And a very unique experience, that only other parents can ever understand.

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