It all made sense when we found out we were autistic • Hacker News Board

Re: It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

#141

Post by corey_moncure » Mon, Mar 26, 2018, 9:00 PM UTC

lisper wrote: post #2

Aspergers was not a thing when I was growing up in the 70s so I was never formally diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum, and the result was a pretty painful childhood. I managed to drag myself out of it and give myself an education in social skills, and nowadays you'd never guess that I'm Aspie (my wife still doesn't believe me, but I think she's an undiagnosed Aspie herself). Even to this day there are…

>when I was a kid, I was completely oblivious to the fact that my peers were agents in their own right, with thoughts and preferences and hopes and dreams that might be different from my own. That, I am now given to understand, is the hallmark of autism spectrum disorders.

I don't have any diagnosis of autism, so it might just simply be that I was a huge jerk for the first 20 or so years of my life. It may have been the consequence of developing academic skills several years ahead of other children my age (this too is a circumstance that must inevitably affect the developing mind). My experiences studying and traveling internationally as an adult were invaluable, forcing me to perceive and then confront this shortcoming in my own personality. When I discovered that many things I assumed were invariant bedrock assertions in fact vary greatly among other people, it was like I had to recreate my concept of others and self from the ground up to reconcile what I'd seen with my life experience to that point.

I think I still approach social interactions analytically (coping) rather than intuitively but at least I've learned not to be so much of a jerk to others, or at the very least to be conscious of it and apologize when I am.

Re: It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

#142

Post by TomK32 » Mon, Mar 26, 2018, 9:06 PM UTC

_b2lj wrote: post #134

TomK32 wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Man, you ticked off everything before you even started a bucket list (good and evil!). I'm happy they gave you a reset at Parmadale after all that shit. You write you're faking it very well in personal and professional life, and I wonder, if you'd act like you are, how would you tell people anyways before they'd just stop talking with you.

Well, I have had a policy of hiding and denying it for awhile because I fear professional reprisal or being treated differently. There are very few people in my circle of friends (and even relatives) that know I'm autistic, again because it's a deeply personal thing and because I don't want to be treated differently from others. I've written about this on the web in the past, but then would go back later and edit or…

Professionally you'll be put into situations that you are just not cut for, so you better tell them before they get disappointed. I mean, I'm doing this programming for more than a decade, somewhat expected by the boss (who I worked for before I realized me being an aspie) to guide a team in a nice and friendly manner (I don't know, is that all just about sending smiley faces on slack? I work remote, with language and timezones between us).

Back in the early naughts I had programmed a blog-software (before know what blogs are) and used it for my ramblings. Someone from my class (I'd say he was in my circle, not sure if he'd considered me a friend, in retrospect) discovered it and one day said something like "suicide is a form of self-critique". I don't think my writing was that bad.

Re: It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

#143

Post by wolfgke » Mon, Mar 26, 2018, 9:13 PM UTC

wccrawford wrote: post #58

dkarl wrote: post #48

I'm curious why people find the diagnosis to be so important. I can't at all imagine identifying with the sentiment, "Nothing is wrong with me, I’m just autistic," as one of the women in the article says. When I go to a party with my girlfriend, I want to come off well, if only for her sake, and I would like to have some interesting conversations, and maybe (very optimistically) to meet someone I can share an interes…

Many people struggle with the idea that they're different than others, especially in ways that society in general considers "less". "Less socially adept", for example. With a professional saying that they have a condition that's beyond their control, and labeling it for them, it helps them say "I'm different, but it's not my fault." It shouldn't matter. Be different if you want to. Don't give in to peer pressure. But…

> With a professional saying that they have a condition that's beyond their control, and labeling it for them, it helps them say "I'm different, but it's not my fault."

I consider the mistake rather in the assumption that there is free will. If you simply get free of the dogma that there is free will, something like "fault" simply does not even make sense to formulate anymore. EDIT: And you surely already found out beforehand on your own that you are different.

Re: It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

#144

Post by TomK32 » Mon, Mar 26, 2018, 9:16 PM UTC

dwild wrote: post #139

cacrawford wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find it pretty common for people to tell me I'm not on the spectrum when I reveal it, as if in 5 minutes they have a better handle on me than I do. It's helped me understand just how annoying "mansplaining" can be (even when it's done by a woman.)

> I have never been formally diagnosed That's important though... you can feel like you have something but actually have something pretty different. I understand that it must be pretty annoying for you if you are actually diagnosed but sadly, believing an internet diagnostic is too often a pretty bad decision.

it depends on the experience of the diagnostican then, and all they can work with is what you are willing and able to tell them, no?

Re: It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

#145

Post by jeandejean » Mon, Mar 26, 2018, 9:21 PM UTC

"Five times as many males as females are diagnosed", but the problem is of course that women are not diagnosed enough... What about there is a big problem in our society that make males more prone to autism that we should fix first?

That article seems to be political rather than informative to me.

Re: It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

#146

Post by rmah » Mon, Mar 26, 2018, 9:26 PM UTC

cacrawford wrote: post #74

bluetomcat wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have never been formally diagnosed because autism is still not a thing in Eastern Europe, but the following self-assessment leads me to believe I am: 1. Constant fear of losing my belongings like keys, which leads me to check what's in my pocket every minute or two while I'm walking. 2. Overly obsessive about following a particular "ritual" for everyday stuff like washing my car or cleaning the house. Every small s…

I find it pretty common for people to tell me I'm not on the spectrum when I reveal it, as if in 5 minutes they have a better handle on me than I do. It's helped me understand just how annoying "mansplaining" can be (even when it's done by a woman.)

What I don't understand is why it matters if people believe you or not. Could you provide some insight?

Re: It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

#147

Post by southpawflo » Mon, Mar 26, 2018, 9:29 PM UTC

ghostbrainalpha wrote: post #100

oarsinsync wrote: post #93

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This, a thousand times this. I've often struggled in social situations, I've had problems with friends, and I've had friends simply laugh at me "Oh my god, you're so strange some times" and just take the piss out of me and the things I do / I've done. Sometimes it hasn't mattered, other times it's really bugged me as I've not understood why I'm the one at fault / why I'm the weird one, and why it's not them that's we…

I'm curious about your "mask" statement. I have that same feeling, and experience with alcohol. Do you ever imagine yourself to be a robot? Or do you memorize and rehearse things to say in social situations? I often feel like I am operating a virtual machine at social gatherings. I tunnel in and give myself commands to operate like a normal human being, but I take absolutely no pleasure from the social interactions.…

I am constantly 'running a social simulator' in my mind. I was diagnosed as autistic a few years ago in my mid twenties.

Re: It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

#148

Post by petercooper » Mon, Mar 26, 2018, 9:32 PM UTC

TomK32 wrote: post #118

petercooper wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. I have recently been diagnosed and am not "shy" or "socially anxious" yet I tend to avoid social interactions because they don't tend to go well unless they have some sort of typical "script", or some sort of structure around them (e.g. an interview, MC-ing, a meeting). I could go into the differences in some depth but it may prove boring.

oh, peter cooper, haven't seen you since EuRuKo in Prague :) Do you still have those ruby shoes?

No, they started to go rotten in a cupboard and got thrown out a few years ago.

Re: It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

#149

Post by TomK32 » Mon, Mar 26, 2018, 9:37 PM UTC

drefanzor wrote: post #137

I understand they have a disorder, and yeah, it's "not that bad", for SOME. But come on. My son has autism. He is 13, and still cannot speak. He has to have 24 hour care. I understand that autism is a spectrum, but realize that what they're talking about here is much different. It's like saying someone has a paralyzed pinky versus a being a quadriplegic.

Well, what's better: to have loved and lost it or never have loved at all?

Can we answer this for him? Does your son know what the world around him is and what a neuro-typical person is like in that world? Us mild cases still need 20 or 30 years to realize what's wrong, that normal people do things differently than we though. When you try to fit in but know you might never do 100%, why bother keep trying?

His disability is visible, the expectations lowered; but in darker time 70yrs ago his condition would have been his death sentence. I feel happy that times have changed and society and parents do care. Thank you.

Re: It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

#150

Post by Frqy3 » Mon, Mar 26, 2018, 9:37 PM UTC

cookiecaper wrote: post #10

Autism, like cancer, is not a single thing. Toward the start of the spectrum, including Asperger's, it seems to be essentially "clinically-significant weirdness, not otherwise specified" (on the later end of the spectrum, it's "major or profound mental retardation, not otherwise specified"). A more productive discussion might be why we feel the need to pathologize so much about ourselves. Why do we need a person to l…

For children, one advantage of having a formal diagnosis is that it allows access to funding for support resources during school. Such as having a teacher's assistant available in class to provide additional 1 on 1 teaching time.