Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

mikecanex.wordpress.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

141–150 of 335 posts

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#141

Post by naiyt »

tnecniv wrote: post #104
komali2 wrote: post #92

His drug store father example struck me - I don't really experience this "service worker" thing anymore, even when I was a service worker. It seems to me the playing field is being extraordinarily leveled. When I was a bagger at a grocery store, nobody looked down on me. Maybe because of my town, but I was never expected to "serve" someone's whims - I was just expected to do my job, and when I did my job people thank…

I worked at a restaurant for a while and had a similar experience. I had no bad experiences with customers like the horror stories you always hear.

In contrast, I worked in tech support and had no end of terrible experiences with customers.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#142

Post by maxxxxx »

temp246810 wrote: post #4

I'm going through this change right now. Some words of hard earned "wisdom": make sure the pendulum doesn't swing too far out in the other direction. I went from being an accommodating person to an intense asshole - trying to dial it back now but it's hard, especially when you notice that people definitely respect you more for good or bad reasons when you're like that. Take it too far though, and it will of course go…

"I went from being an accommodating person to an intense asshole "

I have gone through the same process. Maybe it's because I am getting old, meditation or I just don't care anymore, I have slowly learned what's really important to me. I am generally pretty accommodating but for some things I won't negotiate and just say "No" without any further explanation.

This seems to work reasonably well with most people.

I don't really know what I am trying to say but maybe it's to have your priorities figured out and be flexible with unimportant stuff but firm with important stuff. That is, stuff that's important to you, not somebody else.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#143

Post by makecheck »

Part of the problem is that “good manners” only seem to be considered in one direction. It is time to redefine “rude” to include people that do not know how to communicate their needs very well and/or are just super-entitled.

Why am I the one considered “impolite” by not dropping everything and helping you immediately, if you haven’t bothered to do things like:

- Indicate everything you have tried already (or worse, you haven’t done any basic research yourself)?

- Consider the possibility that I can’t respond instantaneously because my Inbox has dozens of other items already? Or that I didn’t answer my phone or your text because I was actually busy, or in a bathroom, or due to some other totally reasonable explanation?

- Consider that you are basically asking for free help, when there are people who pay for my time?

- Show even the slightest interest in helping others yourself?

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#144

Post by dasil003 »

manmal wrote: post #127
Swizec wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's a confidence thing. You don't need a reason to say No. If somebody thinks you lazy, so be it. But you don't owe anyone a reason. Reasons, as you see them, are often "excuses" to the other person. Mught be even worse. Now you're not just lazy, you also make excuses. Personally I'm bad at this too. I often give reasons/excuses when there's no need and even more often I say No by not saying anything at all and wait…

I think there's only a fine line between a reason and an excuse. An excuse is said with a culpable face and body language, while a reason is given neutrally, or maybe extra confident. You give excuses because you feel guilty, or give reasons because you know that you are right. I often force myself to do the latter - keeping an upright posture and a straight face helps a lot if you cannot get rid of the guilt feeling…

It's much more clear cut than that. An excuse is for something that you committed to. If you manage your time properly then you will only have to make excuses in extraordinary circumstances and you will develop a reputation for integrity. If you try to please everyone you will fail and eventually develop a reputation as a flake.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#145

Post by johnnyhillbilly »

skosch wrote: post #97
watwut wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I found it oftentimes easier to say no without saying reason. The issue for me was that when I state reason, people wanted to negotiate, attempted to "advise" me on how organize my time better and so on and so forth. Overtime (at least against many people) I found it much less draining to simply insist on politely stated no without further explanation.

Counterpoint: when people do this to me, I instinctively assume that the true reason is laziness. On top of that, I feel alienated – what, you think you're so important that you can brush me off just like that, and I'm not even worthy being given a reason? Be careful with this one. It's very much possible to state a reason and still express that you won't change your mind on the matter. Although it is more effort, yo…

Regarding favours: People that feel entitled to one's time can go think about their own attitude. The goodwill you mention is not good will at all. Whether the declining party's true reason is laziness is literally none of your business - unless you have one of a very few types of relationships.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#146

Post by ericd »

komali2 wrote: post #92

His drug store father example struck me - I don't really experience this "service worker" thing anymore, even when I was a service worker. It seems to me the playing field is being extraordinarily leveled. When I was a bagger at a grocery store, nobody looked down on me. Maybe because of my town, but I was never expected to "serve" someone's whims - I was just expected to do my job, and when I did my job people thank…

Yeah, this might be an locality dependent culture thing.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#147

Post by erkaes »

I was an accommodating person until I realize what people value is not you doing what they want when they ask you. But it is when you doing something with them or for them with a motivation from within yourself, just because you want to or just because you feel like to or just because you think they deserve it or something like that.

To them I am just an all nice fellow who is kind to everybody. I earned their gratitude but not their love and in the process I hurt people that truly care and love about me.

Re: Why I Quit Being So Accommodating (1922)

#150

Post by ericd »

throwanem wrote: post #135
bobbington wrote: post #124

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some of the greatest minds of all time have believed Christianity to be the only framework that works in the world. The materialistic worldview, on the other hand is pitifully inadequate and utterly unable to explain the most basic element of our reality - the existence of our consciousness. While we can point to neurons firing in the brain, there is no materialistic explanation for how that translates into my experi…

Vouched so I can point out that yours is an obsolete line of argument; consciousness can be suspended, yet the organism retain intelligent function, by means of transcranial magnetic stimulation. Certain lesions and traumas can produce the same or a similar effect, but permanently - Cotard's delusion, for example, in which that part of the mind which calls itself "I" becomes unshakably convinced that it is dead, and…

All else being equal, it'd be nice if we were all on the same page so that we could get past extremely fundamental arguments such as "should we teach our children science in school, or theology". Because one of those is useful in making our citizens and country competitive on the world scene, and the other is useful in decreasing our reputation on the world scene.

Otherwise, yeah, I don't give a hoot what you want to believe, that's your right. Just don't impose on the rest of us.

Post reply on HN