Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

The Science of Making Friends

wsj.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

141–150 of 235 posts

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#141

Post by radicality »

colmvp wrote: post #56
nlh wrote: post #41

For all the negative things folks have been saying on here about SF (expensive, etc.) there's a huge positive that overshadows all of it for me: I've made more new friends in the last 3 years since I moved to SF than, I'd honestly say, my previous decade living in NYC. I'm 37 now and feel like I have more of a community than in college. I think the key to finding real friends and friendships is to be in a place where…

Strange. I had the opposite experience. I made more friends in NYC in 2 years than real friends in SF in 4. That's not to blame people, because hey, it takes two to tango and my behavior sabotaged my own success. But even though I am in tech, I still never felt comfortable in the monoculture of SF than while in NY.

Wondering too, how did you make friends in NYC? I'm finding it difficult.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#142

Post by reledi »

stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

I've been thinking about this lately and my thoughts resonate with yours. My situation has amplified since moving to London a little over a year ago, where I had no friends or family. I've been wanting to go back to a simpler style of friendships like when we were younger.

At the same time I've also missed sports. My solution was to get back into skateboarding. I haven't skated in ten years but you'd be surprised by your muscle memory. I got all the gear and headed to the nearest skatepark and was quickly approached by the local skaters. I met a lot of great people and skated with them all evening. Haven't had so much fun in a while. Can't wait to go back.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#143

Post by coffeemug »

nostrademons wrote: post #70
stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

I've observed the same but interpret it differently. Life gets more differentiated as you get older. You learn what makes you happy and what doesn't, you experience different situations and react to them, and you make decisions about who you're going to be and what you're going to do. And all of that becomes part of your identity. It's part of your accumulated self-knowledge. And part of that is perceiving difference…

> if they have something in common, and confine their friendship to that thing

What we all have in common is the human condition which is much, much bigger than hobbies, career paths, or political beliefs. We get sick, lose people, fall in love, have children, get better, meet people, and eventually die. Our surface area for meaningful, fulfilling interactions is enormous, but our culture is set up in a such a way that it's easy to forget.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#144

Post by shanusmagnus »

WalterBright wrote: post #137
WalterBright wrote: post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find it tiresome that it becomes hard to just have friends over. Have to negotiate a time, clean the house, get food, and if you're going to a friend's house you're expected to "bring something", etc. Sigh.

Back in college, the rule in the dorms was if your door was open, you were welcoming anyone who wanted to drop in and hang out. 40 years later, I still miss that.

The recapturing of some of this is one of the best things about my job, not because my job is anything really special in that regard, but because I'd spent so much time contracting (alone in a room by myself) or in grad school (same.)

Having an office, and a culture where people would 'drop by' sometimes, either for real work reasons, tenuous work reasons, or purely social, has been a godsend.

Now I'm thinking about how to consciously engineer this given our environmental constraints...

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#145

Post by shanusmagnus »

WalterBright wrote: post #115
stegosaurus wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That only explains half of the picture, though. The photograph in the linked article explains it quite well to me - regardless of how 'real' it is, there's a picture of a shiny gathering with the dresses and the shiny clothes and the fancy food, and so on. And there's nothing wrong with that. I love me some good dress-up and the food there looks super yum. But the simple gatherings seem to have disappeared. Outside o…

I find it tiresome that it becomes hard to just have friends over. Have to negotiate a time, clean the house, get food, and if you're going to a friend's house you're expected to "bring something", etc. Sigh.

The 'cleaning the house' especially. At some point adulthood seems to inculcate this notion of formality to visits. It's been universally to my social detriment.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#146

Post by shanusmagnus »

ChuckMcM wrote: post #104

There used to be a place in the Bay Area called "a clean well lighted place for books" which was a book store (of course) but it was also a pretty decent place to hang out. Of course talking and reading were fun (sort of a library without the librarian shhing you all the time) but I always wanted to create "A clean well lighted place to hack." which was more tech oriented. Of course you would need something to hack o…

"A safe reason to be hanging out."

That really cuts to the heart of it -- I've always had a 'disability' where I am immensely social if I have an 'excuse' and just abysmal without one. Seeding the environment somehow would make all the difference for me; wonder to what degree it's generalizeable?

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#148

Post by baron816 »

auggierose wrote: post #128
baron816 wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think/hope my start up, Krewe ( https://www.gokrewe.com ), has found the right formula. I believe the key elements are access and comfort. Krewe places people into a group with five of their peers, making it comfortable to hang out at first. You don't have to single anyone out, it works kind of how things worked in your youth. And everyone lives within a half mile radius, so it's really convenient to meet up often.…

People have highly evolved mechanisms to decide who they want to be friends with. I doubt that any kind of software as simplistic as dropping people into random groups will work. Yes, people will make a choice if you allow them to, and remember, their primary choice is wether or not to use Krewe.

I know that not everyone is going to will be able to get along with who they're placed with initially. But I think that's fine for a couple reasons:

1) I didn't like some of my best friends at first, but the more I spent time with them, the more we influenced each other and the more we were able to get along. I'm sure that's the case with a lot of people, and that situation will happen with Krewe.

2) A group of friends is a situation where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Even if you don't like any particular person very much, you can still really enjoy being with the group. You get to help build a culture and a communal identity.

3) Krewe doesn't end when you're matched with your group. You eventually get to expand your and make dozens of friends in your neighborhood. So even if you don't like they people you're with at all, and if you stick with it, you'll get to meet people you will like.

4) People get to have multiple friends. One of the great thing about Krewe is that hanging out with your group takes almost no effort. As long as you don't totally detest them, you should find it enjoyable to go out and do stuff with them.

I don't think anyone can design some sort of algorithm that will match you to someone who will inevitably be your best friend. You have to actually meet someone and get to know them before you can determine if you want to hang out with them.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#150

Post by arsenide »

shanusmagnus wrote: post #146
ChuckMcM wrote: post #104

There used to be a place in the Bay Area called "a clean well lighted place for books" which was a book store (of course) but it was also a pretty decent place to hang out. Of course talking and reading were fun (sort of a library without the librarian shhing you all the time) but I always wanted to create "A clean well lighted place to hack." which was more tech oriented. Of course you would need something to hack o…

"A safe reason to be hanging out." That really cuts to the heart of it -- I've always had a 'disability' where I am immensely social if I have an 'excuse' and just abysmal without one. Seeding the environment somehow would make all the difference for me; wonder to what degree it's generalizeable?

For example, I like hiking. But it's not enough of an excuse for me to be social.
Post reply on HN