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Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

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Re: Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

#131

Post by VolatileVoid »

TamDenholm wrote: post #102

I'm not a parent and don't ever plan to be (not all plans go that way, so my feelings might change on the matter) but I dont really get the whole parenting/having kids thing. I really have no affection for children at all, I dont find babies cute, i dont think kids are darling and i honestly think i'd make an absolutely terrible father because i just dont think im wired that way. When Jeff talks about the 51% to the…

I felt exactly this way as well. For a long time. Even while my wife was pregnant, I couldn't imagine having a child, taking care of a spitty, whiny, crying mass of flesh - that will eventually give me attitude shortly after it starts talking.

And you know what, my son is almost 8 weeks old now, and sometimes I still hold him at 4AM while he's screaming and I can't imagine what I got myself into. But you know what? It's truly the most amazing, "fucking terrifying" thing you'll ever do. Emphasis on the amazing. And terrifying.

I couldn't imagine doing it, and now I can't imagine my life without him. I don't think it can be explained.

I never found babies cute, objectively. Newborns are, frankly, ugly. And I'm sure mine was no different - objectively. But I didn't see it. He was heartbrakingly beautiful. And even when he screams and I want to tear my hair out and I just want him to sleep - sleep damnit, it's 4AM and I have work tomorrow! - he's amazing and beautiful and he's pure, unbridled LIFE.

I think, ultimately, that's what it is. You hold your child - your wrinkled, red-faced newborn - and you realize you're holding on to pulsating, breathing, unadulterated vitality.

And that can't be replaced by anything in the world.

Re: Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

#132

Post by mikeash »

pcote wrote: post #78

"As an adult, you may think you've roughly mapped the continent of love and relationships. You've loved your parents, a few of your friends, eventually a significant other. You have some tentative cartography to work with from your explorations. You form ideas about what love is, its borders and boundaries. Then you have a child, look up to the sky, and suddenly understand that those bright dots in the sky are whole…

I dislike that attitude as well. Having children is presented as some amazing thing that you can't possibly comprehend if you haven't. Then the child comes and, guess what, life is pretty much like before, except there's a new member of the family with interesting needs. I'm not somehow more complete than before, and people like you aren't missing out on anything fundamental besides the raw personal experience of parenting.

We all make choices about what we want. I'm sure an avid skydiver could talk your ear off about how amazing that experience is and how you don't truly understand X until you've done it.

Re: Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

#133

Post by rdtsc »

pyre wrote: post #105
rdtsc wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can't imagine how I would even handle that much stress and pressure. I meant my comment to be more along the lines -- 'if you think crying and diaper changing is difficult, wait till you have to start worrying about them crashing your car, getting a call from the police when they are out with friends at night, or getting someone pregnant'.

I'd be less worried about your son getting someone pregnant, than your daughter getting pregnant. I would think that it would be easier to force your son to be responsible for the child that he's fathered, than to be the girl's parents trying to force someone else's son to be responsible for the child he's fathered (especially if his parents are resistant or apathetic to the whole thing).

Either way, the point was that it would still seem like a lot bigger problem than having to change diapers a couple of times a day.

Re: Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

#134

Post by Yhippa »

This has been one of the more interesting posts I've seen on HN in a while. Imagine if you presented all this evidence to each parent before they decide to have kids. I wonder if most people would still go through with it?

I'm glad my parents did! But the more I hear about parenting the more it seems that you lose your life. I hope that one day my DNA forces me to override my logic unit and find a nice lady to have kids with.

Re: Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

#135

Post by Cherian_Abraham »

Its funny that I was about to post this on Twitter here when I saw Jeff's post:

Successes and Failures melt away in front of a two year old. Validations and affirmations happen by way of a smile.

That being said, I cant wait to go home and wrap my hands around my two year old son.

Re: Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

#136

Post by antidaily »

ajross wrote: post #119
antidaily wrote: post #116

Earlier quoted context omitted.

99% of people would tell you they don't find other peoples' children cute or darling, especially when crying in a restaurant. The whole point of the article is to explain that when it's your child, it's completely different. It's nature in action. Suddenly, you're a fucking silverback ready to rip the head off a jaguar for your baby.

Ecological pedantry: no apes in the americas, nor jaguars in Africa.

Haha. Well, damn. Leopard or tiger then.

Re: Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

#137

Post by chollida1 »

akat wrote: post #112
akat wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don't really subscribe to this whole "kids are wonderful" cliché. Failed parent. Since kids can only be as wonderful as you (parent) mold and let them to be. (at least in the early years)

and why the downvotes?

I didn't down vote, but it could be because you stated a belief as if it was a fact.

Re: Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

#138

Post by tomxtobin »

As a childfree individual, I'm amused by the euphoric claims of parents regarding the improved quality of their lives after having children. All the science seems to point in the opposite direction:

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/01/why-does-anyon...

I have to confess: from the outside looking in, parents resemble nothing so much as cult victims gushing with conversion stories, complete with the requisite, "It'll be so much better once you join!" It's even creepier than that, though: cults may have leaders, but parents merely have genes flipping switches. It's like we all have a brainwashing trigger implanted at birth, waiting for the right circumstance to arise. This makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, though: if raising kids is extremely hard, something would have to get tweaked in the parents' minds to convince them to stick around.

(Sometimes I wonder if some aspects of my genetic "kid trigger" were co-opted by my cat. She reduces me to a babbling puddle of mush, and I'm enormously protective of her. When she nearly died, I was reduced to tears, and I made large sacrifices in time and money to save her life — and I'd cheerfully sell a kidney if that's what it took to do so again. I plan on having her cryogenically preserved if the worst happens someday. But throw myself under a bus? No — although I'd throw someone else under a bus for her.)

The hardest part of being childfree, I've found, is the realization that I don't even live on the same planet as people who are, or will be, parents. Each side looks crazy from the other. I've found it impossible to maintain a close friendship with someone once they've had kids; schedules and priorities diverge, and you become increasingly convinced that it's best to "stick to your own kind" in the first place.

Re: Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

#139

Post by divya »

yesimahuman wrote: post #18
MikeMacMan wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Parenthood is kind of a good rehearsal for founding a company: you won't sleep much, you're very emotionally invested, you're on the hook for everything, and boy is it hard without the right partner.

Maybe it's founding a company is a good rehearsal for parenthood? Having done the former, I'm terrified of the latter!

true! i've done both - had a baby when my startup was 3 years old, and it made parenting much easier to have gone through that whole everything-at-stake emotional roller coaster once before. I had the same partner in both ventures, so it was particularly good practice. amazing how similar startups and babies are! (and Jeff's pain/pleasure pie chart could easily apply to either, imo)

Re: Jeff Atwood On Parenthood

#140

Post by kittxkat »

hellweaver666 wrote: post #70
kittxkat wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ada and Alice. Might I ask if the inspiration for those two names came from a computer background? (Ada for the first programmer, and Alice for the first Apple computer)

Wasn't the Apple computer called Lisa?

Yes it was, I got it mixed up.
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