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I rebooted my social life

takes.jamesomalley.co.uk

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Re: I rebooted my social life

#121

Post by iamnothere »

andrewl wrote: post #116
iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

What country are you in?

The US. I think the increased political polarization has changed things somewhat, as well as the aging of my peer demographic. People tend to become more close-minded and fixed in their beliefs as they age, so if you’re a freethinker who enjoys thought experiments and challenging norms then it’s difficult to find others who are similar.

Even many so-called “freethinkers” merely regurgitate common talking points and claim that this is somehow interesting, and they get more aggressive than “normies” if you try to branch out! I used to be able to engage in open ended conversations with people where you explore topics from all angles and adopt abhorrent positions as a way to understand the truth. Nobody seems to be comfortable with that anymore. Perhaps in the past everyone was just so drunk that they didn’t care about their inhibitions; I don’t tend to drink socially anymore and alcohol is famously a social lubricant.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#122

Post by btrettel »

teiferer wrote: post #85
ksymph wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I relate very closely, having had the same thoughts over the past few years. Social clubs sound good in theory, but in my experience it's difficult to connect with people without a central activity or subject to act as a touchstone. It's a frustrating sort of paradox where the best social groups diverge greatly from their core theme, and yet the core theme is necessary to reach and maintain critical mass. I think it'…

> I think it's possible to get around the problem Could you articulate what you perceive to be a problem with all that?

I think the problem comes when certain topical groups interpret their mission narrowly. Based on your other nearby comment, you mention your experience with a rock climbing group that doesn't so narrowly focus on rock climbing. I think that's the right way to do it.

There was one group I used to attend where I was definitely not as interested in the topic as others. I recall someone at the meetup said to me something along the lines of "If you don't agree with X then why are you here?" Well, I attended because I found a lot of interesting people there, and I know I wasn't the only one. Some organizers made the meetups unstructured conversation, which was great for me. Honestly, I'd just like to meet other people interested in a particular topic. Other organizers preferred meetups with more specific assigned discussion topics. I rarely cared much about the assigned topics and they made the unstructured conversation I wanted to have much more difficult or even impossible (particularly for the online meetups). I don't attend those meetups any longer in part because of the assigned topics.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#123

Post by nickthegreek »

deadbabe wrote: post #98
6thbit wrote: post #91

I came to the same conclusions as the author. Then I tried something like this and failed to get people interested. It’s draining for me to reach out to try and convince people, not sure if the social anxiety or the lack of executive functioning. Any tips for someone that understands and wants community but struggles with the building process?

I think you must be charismatic and somewhat attractive to inspire people to come hang around you. People will likely assume any event you invite them to will have other people that are similar to you, and by extension, if they are hanging around you it must mean they aspire to be similar to you.

If you can throw money at it, you can offset attractiveness and to some degree, personality. Having a sweet home theater, indoor pool, or gaming room/bar can go a long way to creating an inviting environment for others.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#124

Post by cassepipe »

NoImmatureAdHom wrote: post #94
HeyThereDave wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unfortunately, step 3 is no longer a given.

I think any person would have disagreements with what the courts find no matter the time period. I personally don't think things have gotten worse in this regard, and they may even have improved. Generally the courts more reasonable than people think. You hear about the inflammatory rulings because that's what drives clicks. https://reason.com/2025/06/05/is-the-supreme-court-really-th... https://fivethirtyeight.com/f…

> So you'd be fine with say, Kamala, running on a campaign of crushing dissent because the courts will say "lol no"? Is that what I'm reading?

I think you forgot to answer to that comment so I am reminding you

Re: I rebooted my social life

#125

Post by squigz »

iamnothere wrote: post #113
gilrain wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Because they can’t reach you when there’s a power outage to check that you’re warm. They can’t share boiled water with you when the mains break. They can’t invite you to a meal when you’re lonely. They can mostly only ever wish you well.

Neighbors can provide these things if you’re willing to reciprocate. And you don’t have to be close with them, just friendly.

I think the nuance of the different types of community is often lost in these discussions, and that they're not mutually exclusive.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#126

Post by ljosifov »

iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

+1. For every one like the author of the blog post, it's likely to be another one in the opposite direction. But they will be unlikely to write a post about that. I too found weighting 'spend time with human persons v.s. with my own thoughts, or programming and writing, or reading a paper or a post, or listening to a podcast while walking in nature' lately come down on the side away from humans. So far - it's been way more interesting. When/if that changes and becomes boring - will think what next and change.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#127

Post by artyom »

The author casually mentions this but basically the main reason through history to build communities is the existence of kids, which he literally decided not to have.

I'm the opposite, I don't like or want a social life, I live comfortably, but by having kids I have no other choice than to participate in a bunch of communities just as a byproduct of trying to be a good dad.

Even the communities anyone participates today were likely built around kids in a past time.

The rest of the article is just trying to overcompensate for the decision of not having children.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#128

Post by andrewl »

huhkerrf wrote: post #86
sph wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Funny, I've had the exact same thought, and doubts, as yours. I really dislike communities focused on a certain topic, as I really don't see myself as part of any one thing that defines me. If I were doing rock climbing, I still wouldn't enjoy talking about rock climbing the entire day with my rock climbing friends; my interests are much wider. Which is the reason I do not participate in any community on- and off-lin…

> I honestly wish social clubs were a thing, and you would get introduced to people from all walks of life They are. Elks, Knights of Columbus, etc. Not as popular with the younger crowd, but nothing is stopping you from joining or starting your own. As for the point around feeling like you have to talk about rock climbing all day: you don't. Rock climbing is just the entry point, which allows for a shared conversati…

As another commenter said, at lot of the fraternal organizations are religious. The Elks site says to be eligible for membership, you must 1) Be at least 21 years of age; 2) Believe in God; 3) Be a citizen of the United States who pledges allegiance to and salutes the American Flag; 4) Be of good character. The Knights of Columbus says membership is limited to practicing Catholic men.

That works for some people. I like the activity-based groups. Besides the sports groups, a community garden is also good.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#129

Post by amunozo »

I couldn't end reading it. He was saying all the time that the read might have some envy and this was too good to complain, but what I most felt is pity. Being all day at home feels miserable to me.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#130

Post by blackhaj7 »

ctln wrote: post #12

Congrats OP, sounds super excited for his new social life. I live overseas and I’m very lonely. I’ve been told to join a group or club related to my interests so I can meet new people and make friends, but I can’t. It doesn’t feel natural to me to go for friend-hunting. And I’m very tired of meaningless, superficial connections and conversations I’ve had with most of the people from my surroundings. I feel my only fr…

I feel the same with my friends from school but the reason we feel like that is that school forced us to be together and a deep friendship was forged as a result.

In adulthood, that forcing function doesn't exist so you have to make the effort. So regardless of whether or not it "feels natural" to go "friend-hunting" (it doesn't to me either), if you don't do it, you will be without friends.

It's also worth framing it to yourself differently. Friend hunting sounds awful and fake but organising fun/activities for similarly minded people seems more positive

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