Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

When I moved to a new city where I knew literally no one I spent a lot of time thinking about, and working on this problem. I generally have a pretty small circle of people I consider friends and for me friendship with a new person doesn’t “just happen” I have to interact with someone repeatedly (I don’t think it’s a revolutionary observation to point this out but it is worth noting that repeated interaction is key). At the same time though, I’m introverted and sometimes I just do not want to interact. So I thought about the types of interactions that I feel more comfortable in so even on days that I don’t want to interact I can still usually handle them.

For me that means meeting people via activities. I’ve additionally found I’m happier when I’m a bit active so a lot of the specific examples lean that way but the general principle is the same.

Structured activities where the whole group is 20 people or less I can almost always handle especially if the activity itself is solo and the group socialization part can be dropped into and out of easily. My favorite activities like this are target shooting or archery: can’t handle people for a bit? Go shoot targets no one will disturb you. Feel like interacting? take a break and go to the water cooler ask for a tip on your form, compliment someones grouping etc and a conversation naturally starts up. But as soon as you are getting overstimulated it’s easy to go “I should really go practice see you in a few rounds” and drop out of the conversation.

Classes where we have to partner up so I’m interacting with a person or several people within the class, but one on one, with a known end time, work really really well for me. On days I can handle more interaction the door to chat a little during class and usually there is some conversation that happens just after. On days I don’t feel up to socializing there isn’t an obligation though. And because the interaction is structured around a skill I don’t ever have to stress out about carrying a conversation. For me boxing worked well, as did dance classes (which after I had done for a while so I felt comfortable and less like I was going to step on my partners feet led to social dancing). Language learning classes and meet ups were tougher but still worked well.

The final thing I did took some work but It’s really paid off in terms of expanding the people I know: I actively tried to turn myself into a social information hub. I have become a person who knows what is going on in my city in any given week. What are the beer festivals? What community events? What operas or plays in town? What fun runs are happening? What concerts are coming up? I don’t go to 95% of the things I know about but it means I can immediately make myself valuable to a new acquaintance by going “Hey you expressed an interest XYZ did you know $eventRelatedToActivity is happening? Seems like something you might be interested in” which firstly shows them I listened to them which everyone likes and makes them like you more and secondly tells them I’m a good person to maintain contact with because I can point them to things they enjoy.

I could offer an alternative viewpoint for people reading. I live work here, a normal 9-5 job as a programmer. Mostly my dinners are at home after work because I am tired from, well working. Malls get boring quickly, and travelling to beaches while working here often? No thanks. Some of my colleagues do it a bit, though.

The Starbucks example is very exaggerated unless you are very very good looking and luck, and even then I am sure it would happen every time.

All in all, just because you go to Thailand your "alone" situation might not change in the long run.

That being said, I do agree with coming to Bangkok and it can definitely be an amazing time. And to directly address the 'girl' focused aspect of the comment, dating here is a very relaxed and fun experience.

The one thing that really helped me with loneliness was when I started chanting and practicing Buddhism. It was in fact the sole reason why I started practicing in the first place. It's been a long journey and although I would still consider myself an introvert, it has broadened my social network significantly. I do spend time alone occasionally but I have a family and a network of friends.

I believe human relationships and social interaction are the key to happiness and the lack of it is a major source of suffering. However, at the same time, we also have our individual characteristics that define us. Balancing both our need to be an individual and our need to be social relates to being in harmony with life.

I try to help as many people as I can feel less lonely so I'm happy to have a chat if you'd like.

Go to Bangkok. Find a [...] Order your drink of choice. Within 30 minutes you will be chatted up by a girl (?).

The following helped me post break up stage (10 yr relationship). Might help you cope with your loneliness while you're not ready to "go meet people".

(1) exercise - if possible every day. When everything for the day sucked, at least you have one accomplishment in your list.

(2) have me time - if possible once a week. For me it was to walk in the park every saturday morning.

Doing the above regularly gave me back a significant amount of sanity.

After two years, i recovered enough to "go meet people" again. Soon, i started to date again.

Best of luck.