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I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

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Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#111

Post by mcdeltat »

TrackerFF wrote: post #61

Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were the people I became friends with during my formative years. From my teens and up until young adulthood. Looking back, we became friends due to shared interests (movies, books, music), hobbies, and just general chemistry. Other people, you become friends with due to some shared situation. School, work, place you live, the places you go/frequent, etc. Once…

> What I miss about being a young 20-something was how easy and willing everyone were to do stuff

Perhaps times have changed or my friends don't actually like me, but in my experience this hasn't been true since I was like 16. People are constantly busy or otherwise unwilling to go out and do stuff together. If it gets worse with age then the outlook is extremely grim...

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#112

Post by ranguna »

malshe wrote: post #70

As much as I hate Meta and its digital properties, I have to admit Whatsapp has been instrumental in keeping me in touch with my old friends. Now whenever I travel, I make it a point to let my friends in that city know about my trip and try to meet with at least some of them.

Imo it was better before meta bought it. Thanking meta doesn't feel right. But to each, their own.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#114

Post by syncmaster913n »

rendall wrote: post #26
aflag wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe it's a cultural thing as well. Boasting about yourself is really not something you do in many cultures. I don't really see a problem with that passage. They were just trying to praise whoever they were talking to while being quiet about themselves.

It could be cultural. I'm overthinking it. I did like the piece overall.

Perhaps you're overthinking it, or perhaps you're onto something, and the author invented at least one of the friends for the benefit of the story and wrote the "response" herself.

But yes, enjoyable piece.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#115

Post by 9rx »

silisili wrote: post #13

> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.” Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's…

> then in our 20's more or less have to make a mad dash to establish a place to live, a career, a partner, etc.

Life is full of surprises and doesn't always work out the way you thought it would, but who isn't at least trying to resolve those things long before their 20s? The "mad dash" may be someone's ultimate fate, but being the norm seems a bit off.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#116

Post by gwbas1c »

fragmede wrote: post #110
gwbas1c wrote: post #89

Years ago, I met someone at a large company and they perused a friendship with me. I was always friendly, and I invited them to larger parties because I considered them part of my extended group of friends. But, they really struggled at life. I moved away, and I never made the effort to keep in touch. A few years ago they called me to talk. We caught up, and it was clear they still struggled at life. A few phone call…

Sounds like they reached out to you because they remembered your kindness. Maybe they were hoping for a bit of grounding. You noticed something about why they struggle. Something they clearly don’t see. That insight, offered with care, might actually help them. It’s not your job to fix anyone, but since you’ve seen the pattern, you’re in a position to say something. You might be the only one who can break through.

> You might be the only one who can break through.

I doubt it. I tried in the past, but it was clear that they didn't want to listen to reason so I just changed the subject.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#117

Post by gwbas1c »

calf wrote: post #106
gwbas1c wrote: post #89

Years ago, I met someone at a large company and they perused a friendship with me. I was always friendly, and I invited them to larger parties because I considered them part of my extended group of friends. But, they really struggled at life. I moved away, and I never made the effort to keep in touch. A few years ago they called me to talk. We caught up, and it was clear they still struggled at life. A few phone call…

Then why is it clear that they struggle at life? Just because they have bad cognitive logical skills? I don't buy that argument.

I don't like to go into personal details, so I'll offer a high-level summary:

They insist on living in a high-cost-of-living area, but can't hold the kind of job needed to live there. Moving to a lower-cost-of-living area where they can be employed isn't considered.

They don't have insight into who makes a good romantic partner / spouse. (Think of the stereotype who imports a "Russian Bride.")

They get into bar fights, in part because they will talk without listening to others' opinions. (And because they don't understand important differences between US culture and where they immigrated from.)

---

I have a few people in my life who stop listening when they get agitated, so I personally have little patience for changing people. Trying to get these people to listen to reason is a fools' errand, so I no longer try and just end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#118

Post by cafard »

munificent wrote: post #17
silisili wrote: post #13

> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.” Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's…

In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions: 1. Moving away to college. 2. Moving for work. 3. Getting married. 4. Having kids. Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to value all of the points on that list more th…

Traumatic or dramatic?

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#119

Post by munificent »

cafard wrote: post #118
munificent wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions: 1. Moving away to college. 2. Moving for work. 3. Getting married. 4. Having kids. Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to value all of the points on that list more th…

Traumatic or dramatic?

Traumatic, in terms of severing them to an often large degree.

I'm describing it as mostly inflicting trauma on a person's social network itself and perhaps less so it being emotional traumatic to the person. But I suspect that in many cases, the latter does follow from the former.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#120

Post by exolymph »

valzam wrote: post #48
windowshopping wrote: post #15

Advice from someone in their 30s who has successfully kept the majority of their closest friends from high school and college (around 10 people) but also lost several key people over the years: - Keep a semi-regular communication channel. For me this is easy, it isn't a chore for me to just text people. I know some people find this harder. If I see something I think they would find funny, I send them a link. If I sta…

I very much agree with all of this but do you find your friends reciprocate? Also mid 30s, I keep in touch with a few friends but arguably only 1 or 2 consistently reach out on their own.

That's just how it is. Most people are socially passive. Better to just accept that you'll need to take responsibility for sustaining the connections you care about.
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