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The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

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Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#111

Post by NoPicklez »

From my experience going to boarding school, living on campus at University and living with housemates for almost a decade and having an enjoyable time throughout.

So much of this experience comes down to who you end up living with. I've been lucky to live with friends with fairly similar interests and career drives where it matters, and that changes the experience. If you enjoy the people you live with outside of just the fact you're living together, it changes everything.

If you have those things you get to live with people whom you enjoy their company, talk about topics, do activities together, build further relationships with others and benefit financially from shared costs that can help you build a future.

Absolutely you will need to be able to share and cohabit which can be more challenging as you grow up wanting your own space.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#112

Post by geverett »

wussboy wrote: post #49

I think it's important to call out the difference between "what I prefer" and "what is good for me". We understand this fully in many aspects of our lives (from "My body prefers to do heroin" to "I prefer not to exercise but I do it because it's good for me"). I see a lot of comments here along the lines of "I prefer to live alone because roommates are a pain in the ass", but I think there might be a lot of value to…

So much this! Author of the post here - I've been noodling on writing one on the University of Chicago study 'Mistakenly Seeking Solitude' (https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-28833-001) which I came across in the also-great Atlantic article on the Anti-Social Century (https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2025/02/america...)

Basically: a team of researchers asked people if they'd be happier on their morning commute if they interacted with strangers or kept to themselves. Most said they'd be happier keeping to themselves. Then the researchers ran an experiment where a group were told to keep to themselves, a group was told to interact with a stranger for as long as possible, and a control group was supposed to do whatever came up. Those who were forced to interact with a stranger came away most happy, and those that kept to themselves were least happy.

We are social beings - it is how we have been able to survive as a species. And yet, given the choice, we often choose to isolate. I think people would be happier and healthier if we made more of an effort to combat that tendency.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#113

Post by geverett »

duttish wrote: post #96

Two thoughts I think a larger house like she's living in makes it a lot easier to mitigate "the bad room mate" problem mentioned in a lot of comments. They likely have some filtering and process to kick someone out if they turn out weird. And recruitment is hopefully easier if you have 4 other people looking for a 5th than posting an ad somewhere. This does seem like a potential solution for the male loneliness epide…

Author of the post here - fwiw all the houses I've lived in have had a good gender mix, though it's true none of the men wanted to join for the hip hop dance workout. In general though the men have been the better cooks!

I wanted to note that a lot of houses I've lived in have had couples. Two of our housemates in PR were a married couple who rented out the apartment they owned to come live with us. The husband was more extroverted than the wife and loved the company - and the wife loved that we kept him entertained and she got the room to herself more often :)

All this to say I simply think it's great to live with (good) roommates, whether you're male, female, single, coupled, or anything else.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#114

Post by andrewrn »

isaacremuant wrote: post #104
andrewrn wrote: post #95

I suppose it may be luck, but the ~15 roommates I’ve had over the years became, at worst, neutral acquaintance types or, at best, my best friends of all time. I’ve never had any of the common horror stories. Come to think of it actually, I’ve never formed very strong bonds without anyone outside of childhood who I didn’t live with. I remember hearing years ago that the ingredients for a strong friendship are (1) sere…

> I remember hearing years ago that the ingredients for a strong friendship are (1) serendipitous, unplanned encounters, (2) vulnerability, (3) sustained time spent together. Housemates seem like the only modern avenue to this for adults The ingredients for a strong friendship are doing things together without forcing it and contact surviving when things change (e.g. geographical move, shared activity ending, family…

To clarify, the frequent encounters of a housemate situation hasn't been required to sustain friendships for me, but instead to get "escape velocity," if you will. The great friends I made of former housemates still keep in frequent contact with via phone calls, etc.

You said "doing things together without forcing it" is important. That's precisely what I mean with housemates. In the storm of people's busy lives and moods, living with someone just provides so much more effortless surface area for bonding than pre-arranged, formal events to do sports or a hobby.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#116

Post by CMCDragonkai »

lantry wrote: post #106
CMCDragonkai wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's not such thing as a permanent fixed identity though. "Just be yourself" raises a more interesting question. Who is yourself? Why is that way? Why should it be that way? Have you reflected on why you want what you want or why you behave the way you do? Do you think the way you are is the way you should be? Or is there a cognitive disconnect between the is and ought?

This is 100% true, which is why it's so important to resist the societal pressure to conform. It might be tempting to avoid these questions by taking the "default" path, but that path is unlikely to lead to happiness. You have to decide on your own path and work to make it happen.

Yes but also it's important to critically engage with reality as well. Many people think they are constructing some original identity without testing it against reality. No plan survives battle.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#117

Post by CMCDragonkai »

8f2ab37a-ed6c wrote: post #27

In the US, is it concerning when a "grown man" in his 30s or 40s and beyond still lives with roommates, when dating and trying to attract a mate? Is there an expectation that you should be displaying a certain lifestyle that will attract a partner, and if you're living with a bunch of roommates, you're failing to do that? I believe that's not the case in many other countries in the world, but what about the US?

There are such things as intentional communities. I predict multi-adult households will make a comeback. The era of nuclear families is coming to an end. It takes a village to raise children.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#118

Post by mock-possum »

ramesh31 wrote: post #28
derektank wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>I missed coming home to postgame my bad dates with my roommates over a cup of tea. For whatever reason, I think men are a lot less likely to engage in this kind of social behavior, even if they are roommates. They're also a lot less likely to engage in spontaneous dance parties or enjoy group hip hop twerking exercises. Basically, a lot of the benefits of having roommates that the author describes are experienced fa…

Pretty much. And I'm not even remotely saying it's a good thing. This is one of a myriad reasons men objectively live shorter, less healthy, and lonelier lives. You can speculate a million more reasons as to why, but it's just the reality of life.

Man it’s so awkward for me to hear about this stuff, when this hasn’t been my experience as a man at all.

I’ve always been a primarily homosocial guy, and I’ve never felt like I was lacking any of this stuff. Whether it’s someone to play videogames with, someone to cook dinner for, someone to cuddle with, someone to rant to, someone to debate or deliberate or just discuss - I’ve always had male friends close to me who care about me, who listen to me, and for whom I try my best to return the favour, when it comes around.

As a matter of fact I haven’t found my female friends to be any better at any of that than my male friends - and a couple of my best friends in particular are women.

Maybe I’m just lucky? Maybe other men are just doing it wrong?

I really do find the more I’ve grown up, the less I have any use or respect for all this traditional gender stuff. Why are we still pretending it’s valid? Why don’t we just grow out of it already?

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#119

Post by mock-possum »

ramesh31 wrote: post #13
micromacrofoot wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

on the other hand I've yet to meet a woman that punches holes in drywall when they're mad, I've had 2 male roommates that have

>on the other hand I've yet to meet a woman that punches holes in drywall when they're mad, I've had 2 male roommates that have This is basically my point. Adult women can live together, adult men cannot.

You are basically dead wrong about adult men not being able to live together. I don’t know where you’re getting your information from, but I am an adult man who has lived most of his adult life with other adult men, and I have fucking loved it. I spent my 20s living with two of my best male friends and those were some of the best years of my life!

Plus, I know you probably don’t mean it this way, but - your phrasing basically invalidates every same-sex partnership. Again, here I have spent the last ten years living with my partner, and we are both of us adult men. Clearly adult men can live together.

I think that maybe you just need to meet better men - your beliefs about gender stink.

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