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Re: Parent time

#111

Post by rcarr »

Kaibeezy wrote: post #109
rcarr wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You’re definitely right. But if there are no extenuating circumstances then I do think the default view should be parents move to kids rather than the other way around. At the end of the day, one set of people are shortly going to become unable to take care of themselves and the other isn’t. Whilst you still have the ability to do something about it, lessen the burden on your loved ones by moving closer to them rathe…

... if you’re past seventy and burying your head in the sand about what’s coming down the pipeline rather than having a plan in place to lessen the burden placed on your loved ones. Yep, that's really it. Just had something come down the pipeline today :(

I am very sorry to hear that. I hope this poem may bring you some comfort or failing that, you find something upon which you can draw strength and solace. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45099/sonnet-73-that-...

Re: Parent time

#112

Post by balderdash »

lo_zamoyski wrote: post #94
balderdash wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While not quibbling with the math, I think there are two things that mitigate this meaningfully. 1) quality of the time spent (I have more meaningful conversations in a couple of hours now, than months as a child + much of that time was spent administratively / logistically) 2) voice / video / text communication is not meaningless (I’ve lived >1,500 miles from my parents for the past ~12 years, but on average probabl…

Childhood is much more than logistics and administration. Your parents are there during your formative years, teaching you, often through example. Also, your emphasis on conversation seems strange. As much as I like a good conversation, this is not what defines the parent-child relationship. It is not what makes this relationship valuable above all else. Who would you rather have? A parent who sacrifices immensely fo…

Everything you said is true, and is not mutually exclusive with my point that all hours spent together should carry the same weight.

I use the word conversation as a short hand for being present with someone.

Just look around a restaurant and see families eating a meal together where some or all of them are lost in their phones/devices, in some respects those people are having dinner on their own.

Put another way, I’ve seen plenty parents that are physically present, and emotionally absent, and other parents that may have have less physical hours spent with a child, but are more are more present and involved in their lives.

Re: Parent time

#113

Post by Kaibeezy »

rcarr wrote: post #111
Kaibeezy wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

... if you’re past seventy and burying your head in the sand about what’s coming down the pipeline rather than having a plan in place to lessen the burden placed on your loved ones. Yep, that's really it. Just had something come down the pipeline today :(

I am very sorry to hear that. I hope this poem may bring you some comfort or failing that, you find something upon which you can draw strength and solace. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45099/sonnet-73-that-...

Thank you. It’s a perspective I understand and accept. I’ve seen those last sparks flare up unexpectedly on several occasions and it’s a true gift, honoring both giver and receiver.

Re: Parent time

#114

Post by enigma20 »

tasuki wrote: post #106
stantaylor wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As someone whose kids are both (ages 27 and 23) finally out of the house in the last couple of years--but no grandkids yet--I totally get this. I've very much gotten used to having my own time FINALLY, being on my schedule, etc. My son and his fiancee have talked about moving back in with us for a year or two to save money, and the prospect does't sound that appealing to me at this point. I'm happy that our son think…

Why did you decide to have kids?

How does it matter? That someone wanted to have kids doesn't mean that he want's them under the same roof till the end of his life. Especially with the grandkids. People should not be taking for granted that they can simply come back to their parents, or close to them and ask the to look after the kids. In the world where retirement age is increased more and more, people deserve also "me time". If grandparents really want it and ask for it, then great for both.

Writing this as parent, having small toddler, leaving abroad, far from both mine and wife's parents. It is harder without support, but manageable.

Re: Parent time

#115

Post by tasuki »

enigma20 wrote: post #114
tasuki wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why did you decide to have kids?

How does it matter? That someone wanted to have kids doesn't mean that he want's them under the same roof till the end of his life. Especially with the grandkids. People should not be taking for granted that they can simply come back to their parents, or close to them and ask the to look after the kids. In the world where retirement age is increased more and more, people deserve also "me time". If grandparents really…

> How does it matter?

I was just curious. It seemed stantaylor was happy the kids were out of the house. I was wondering why they were in the house to begin with.

> people deserve also "me time"

Of course, to each their own. Not having kids is a good way to have a lot of "me time".

Re: Parent time

#116

Post by sbaiddn »

rcarr wrote: post #105
sbaiddn wrote: post #103

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Then they can't afford to live in SV, and they are probably better off financially living close to their family and where they grew up.

This is an absolutely ridiculous statement. Throughout history, people have moved where the jobs are. You don’t escape poverty by staying stuck in a place with no opportunities. If you went to university and studied filmmaking for example you’re probably going to find a lot of work in LA, New York and other metropolitan areas. You’re not going to find work in a small village in the middle of Alaska. And sometimes you…

People have moved where food is and war is not.

Leaving the community you grew up in to live in a tiny rental home while your kid dodges junkies' used needles in the playground just so you cam afford to take a vacation in Aruba is a uniquely modern phenomenon.

Re: Parent time

#117

Post by janandonly »

aargh_aargh wrote: post #39
BadOakOx wrote: post #2

Dupe of this thread: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33038272

@dang

And strangely enough, that previous HN thread is [flagged]... It seems a lot of high quality articles are [flagged] nowadays? Or am I only noticing this because I'm mindful of my own submissions being [flagged] a lot ?

Re: Parent time

#118

Post by ubermonkey »

itsoktocry wrote: post #75
ubermonkey wrote: post #68

I mean, I get it, but for a lot of people their parents live in a place where professional and social opportunities are impossibly low. Living there, or even within a quick trip there, is just not reasonable IF you want more than (e.g.) the state you were born in can provide. I grew up in Mississippi. I knew from childhood I would leave, because even in the pre-Trump era it was dominated by an ugly, reactionary, raci…

> The author is privileged that his parents live in a reasonable place. You preach tolerance and reasonableness, and paint (at least) 10% of the US population as with the same brush.

This sounds a lot like "it's intolerant not to tolerate bigotry," which is, in the vernacular of my birth state, a dog that won't hunt.

Re: Parent time

#119

Post by ubermonkey »

wallawe wrote: post #76
ubermonkey wrote: post #68

I mean, I get it, but for a lot of people their parents live in a place where professional and social opportunities are impossibly low. Living there, or even within a quick trip there, is just not reasonable IF you want more than (e.g.) the state you were born in can provide. I grew up in Mississippi. I knew from childhood I would leave, because even in the pre-Trump era it was dominated by an ugly, reactionary, raci…

This is nonsense. I lived in Vicksburg throughout my formative years and yes it has its fair share of rednecks but it's also go more diversity than most places in the US, e.g. Austin, TX. Yes, there is a poor standard of living in many areas, but there's also an amazingly rich cultural history (not just for whites). The problem is you are choosing to view an entire state strictly through the lens of politics when the…

>got more diversity than most places in the US, e.g. Austin, TX.

You have a weird measure of diversity; I suspect what you really mean is "nonwhite people," but that's not a very good metric on its own. Per census.gov, Vicksburg and Austin are about equivalent in terms of racial demographic split.

Vicksburg is about 2/3 black and 1/3 white, with little else in the mix.

Austin is about 2/3 white and 1/3 hispanic, with little else in the mix.

Where I live -- Houston -- puts both to shame in terms of demographic mix. There is nowhere in Mississippi that approaches the makeup of a city like Houston.

I left on the strength of scholarships, so yeah, privilege in some ways, but probably not the way you meant.

I stand by my assessment of Mississippi. Does that mean there aren't pocket communities that are tolerant and progressive? Obviously not. But you have only to look at the fortunes of the state itself to see how little power those pockets have. Does Jackson have drinkable water yet?

>Many of the poorest people in the nation live in MS and they could use our help rather than our condemnations.

This part is true, but other than voting for Federal policies that constrain rogue, reactionary state governments there's little one can do. The Trumpist majority controls the Magnolia state, and is likely to keep doing so. I was unwilling to live my life under such conditions.

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