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I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

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Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#101

Post by AnnikaL »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #69
hinkley wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Diverging values I think is why it’s not a bad thing that marriage is being postponed closer to 30 now. Promising to be with someone forever when you don’t even know who you or they are yet is wishful thinking at best and lying at worst. If we ever find a way to delay puberty without delaying formation of the prefrontal cortex, I think humanity will be in for a better time. You’ll get a few more years of being able t…

~43% of first marriages fail, ~60% of second marriages, ~73% third marriages. Roughly half of all children will see their parents’ marriage end or them separate (per the CDC). Frankly, I think people should date, love, coparent, etc, but not get married.

Hm, 57% of first marriages not "failing" (presumably meaning that they last until one spouse dies) actually seems kind of comforting? It suggests that you and your spouse don't even have to be better at marriage than the median couple to avoid divorce.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#102

Post by BLKNSLVR »

TrackerFF wrote: post #61

Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were the people I became friends with during my formative years. From my teens and up until young adulthood. Looking back, we became friends due to shared interests (movies, books, music), hobbies, and just general chemistry. Other people, you become friends with due to some shared situation. School, work, place you live, the places you go/frequent, etc. Once…

Late late thirties through to mid forties has been the busiest period of my (and my wife's) life.

Work, school, kids sport, plus some occasional activities of our own (absolutely minimal) we had something weekly on every day of the week. Two kids ages ranging from 10 to mid-teen during that span of time.

Only really just coming out of it the last couple of years - mid-late forties. Weekly activities are now more my things.

Had kids very late twenties, so that might be a difference.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#103

Post by devilbunny »

lotsofpulp wrote: post #98
devilbunny wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The other way is that you make a commitment early and that you mold your personalities together as you grow older. Delaying marriage to “find yourself” is not always a good thing; I forget the exact term used in a very thoughtful essay on this, but it’s something like “my grandmother’s bookshelf”. By the time you’re in your mid-thirties, grandma’s bookshelf that you inherited is so important that anyone who doesn’t l…

There is a saying from my parents’ country that translates to: Young tree branches are more flexible and able to bend than old branches, which tend to be stiffer and more prone to breaking.

So what is their adage for the value of wisdom from age?

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#104

Post by hintklb »

anon291 wrote: post #78
TrackerFF wrote: post #61

Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were the people I became friends with during my formative years. From my teens and up until young adulthood. Looking back, we became friends due to shared interests (movies, books, music), hobbies, and just general chemistry. Other people, you become friends with due to some shared situation. School, work, place you live, the places you go/frequent, etc. Once…

Why does self-realization mean not having friends?

I tried to stay spontaneous and being able to do things on a whim. But most of my friends focused on partner/work/kids with the infamous 3 month in advance fully booked calendar.

At some point you have almost no other choice than give up and self-realize as well and become that person as well. Simply because everyone else gave up. I think it is sad

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#105

Post by sinuhe69 »

I have friends where, when we text or call, no one mentions how long it’s been. We just continue as the most natural thing of the world.

To me, that’s what real friendship looks like. You may not be in each other’s lives all the time, but deep down, you both know — if one of you ever truly needs the other, you’d be on the next flight without hesitation.

That’s why it reminded me that time and distance don’t erase true connection.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#106

Post by calf »

gwbas1c wrote: post #89

Years ago, I met someone at a large company and they perused a friendship with me. I was always friendly, and I invited them to larger parties because I considered them part of my extended group of friends. But, they really struggled at life. I moved away, and I never made the effort to keep in touch. A few years ago they called me to talk. We caught up, and it was clear they still struggled at life. A few phone call…

Then why is it clear that they struggle at life? Just because they have bad cognitive logical skills? I don't buy that argument.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#107

Post by pjerem »

shivekkhurana wrote: post #85
netsharc wrote: post #84

The article starts with: > On a warm July evening, I dove into bed and grabbed my phone, giddy and anxious. As I scrolled through TikTok, attempting to calm my nerves, a Google Calendar notification flashed on the screen: “VIDEO CALL WITH SIMONE.” > Before I could swipe the reminder away, Simone FaceTimed me. That makes me want to build a "Tinder" for rebooting relationships: select who of your friends you want to ta…

I have friends across the world. I talk with 7 of them every quarter. We have scheduled video calls on our calendar. And after every call, we put notes on the call schedule. Before the call, we get notified and we confirm if both parties will be available over text message.

That’s pretty cool, actually.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#108

Post by pjerem »

devilbunny wrote: post #103
lotsofpulp wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is a saying from my parents’ country that translates to: Young tree branches are more flexible and able to bend than old branches, which tend to be stiffer and more prone to breaking.

So what is their adage for the value of wisdom from age?

Young tree branches are stupid.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#109

Post by pjerem »

swaggyBoatswain wrote: post #90

Friendships come and go over the years is something I have learned in my life. We dont always have the same value systems and because of that, its natural to drift apart and not talk as frequently as we used to This is something I am learning as a late bloomer in life, as I didnt have too many friends more so business acquaintances growing up The hardest lessons I hace learned though is during major life transitions…

If that can help you, I learned that most "gone" friendships are not really dead and can be reactivated.

I’ve talked back to a few friends I lost for years and it was hard because I’m actually pretty sensitive to rejection. To what should not be my surprise, not a single one rejected me and all of them where happy to be in contact again.

And you can even re grow friendships. Actually one of my best friends today is someone I lost contact with for about a decade. This relation was so lost to me that I didn’t even bother to invite him to my marriage. And now we see each other every week since the last 5 years.

That’s one case where I did the effort to build back the relation. But that was worth it and was way easier than a new friendship.

It looks like if anything is universal it’s both that most people somehow miss their old friends and that most people are feeling more or less lonely.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#110

Post by fragmede »

gwbas1c wrote: post #89

Years ago, I met someone at a large company and they perused a friendship with me. I was always friendly, and I invited them to larger parties because I considered them part of my extended group of friends. But, they really struggled at life. I moved away, and I never made the effort to keep in touch. A few years ago they called me to talk. We caught up, and it was clear they still struggled at life. A few phone call…

Sounds like they reached out to you because they remembered your kindness. Maybe they were hoping for a bit of grounding. You noticed something about why they struggle. Something they clearly don’t see. That insight, offered with care, might actually help them.

It’s not your job to fix anyone, but since you’ve seen the pattern, you’re in a position to say something. You might be the only one who can break through.

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