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Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

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Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#101

Post by donw »

kibwen wrote: post #79
Archipelagia wrote: post #42

I the last few years I had to move contries a few times and basically rebuild my entire social circle each time – and it made me aware how much of finding friends is just a matter of logistics. I think that much of the loneliness problem comes down to people just not having a process that helps them meet new friends. In most places, there's a surprising amount of events where you can meet new people. For me it was op…

There really is a massive gulf between small-town friend-making strategies and big-city friend-making strategies. In a small town you can form a friend group by osmosis, because there's exactly two churches, exactly two bars, exactly one grocery store, so you see everyone regularly and, furthermore, you have no choice who to socialize with, and you know everyone else also has no choice who to socialize with, so you a…

> ... so you all might as well socialize together and be "friends" even if you don't really actually like each other all that much.

Learning to get along with other people, not just the people you like, and not just the people in your "in-group", is a massively important social skill.

American urbanites tend stick out here in Japan precisely for this reason. They only associate with each other and complain constantly about how Japan is "so backwards" compared to back home. There's no olive bar at the supermarket, there's no vegan meat, etc.

Folks from non-Anglosphere countries -- urban or rural -- usually integrate far better, at least as much as one can in Japan.

> ... but gossip runs rampant and even your best friend might be cruel to you when out of earshot.

This happens all the time in cities. San Francisco was full of the most empty-smiling, gossip-spreading, stab-you-in-the-back people I've encountered in my life.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#102

Post by jjoonathan »

EE84M3i wrote: post #92

I live in a big city, but I'm terribly lonely. - I live alone. - I work hybrid, but when I go into the office, it's more or less empty and I spend all my time on zoom calls. - My family lives far away. - I'm single. Most weeks, my only social interaction is at the local bar, where I'm a regular, or various dates from apps. Excesses of both of these is unhealthy in different ways. I've been pushing myself to go to mee…

Yeah, I think many social groups are suffering from bootstrap problems post covid.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#103

Post by SCUSKU »

EE84M3i wrote: post #92

I live in a big city, but I'm terribly lonely. - I live alone. - I work hybrid, but when I go into the office, it's more or less empty and I spend all my time on zoom calls. - My family lives far away. - I'm single. Most weeks, my only social interaction is at the local bar, where I'm a regular, or various dates from apps. Excesses of both of these is unhealthy in different ways. I've been pushing myself to go to mee…

Hey, can relate. Your situation seems tough, but you're right, you're not alone in this situation. Something I've noticed as I got older is just how isolating the US can be. The predominate culture is for children to go to college (oftentimes far away from family), then move to a city (again far away from family).

People don't go to church or other religious gatherings as often so people don't build community that way as much anymore.

And now that work is remote/hybrid, as you said, even when you go into the office there isn't much there. I think the US is really failing from an institutional level in that the only reliable way I have ever had of meeting new people was schooling. A dream of mine is that community centers become well funded and become just a place to hang out (like a library but with more activities) and can help facilitate bringing communities together and building those relationships.

But I hope something changes for you, and you do something to change it. Best of luck!

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#104

Post by psychomugs »

JohnFen wrote: post #89
altacc wrote: post #19

There's been a lot of talk recently about effects of loneliness and the "loneliness epidemic". What a lot of this lacks, including this article, is a good and correct definition of loneliness. They seem to use the lazy & inaccurate definition of "spending significant time alone", which is very different to being lonely. There's a lot of people who are now able to spend more time alone than before and are happy with t…

The easiest place to feel lonely is in a big crowd.

$BIG_CITY is where to go when one wants to be completely alone.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#105

Post by Slow_Hand »

altacc wrote: post #19

There's been a lot of talk recently about effects of loneliness and the "loneliness epidemic". What a lot of this lacks, including this article, is a good and correct definition of loneliness. They seem to use the lazy & inaccurate definition of "spending significant time alone", which is very different to being lonely. There's a lot of people who are now able to spend more time alone than before and are happy with t…

Agreed.

I would offer the word “solitude” to describe willful time alone.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#106

Post by chris_va »

EE84M3i wrote: post #92

I live in a big city, but I'm terribly lonely. - I live alone. - I work hybrid, but when I go into the office, it's more or less empty and I spend all my time on zoom calls. - My family lives far away. - I'm single. Most weeks, my only social interaction is at the local bar, where I'm a regular, or various dates from apps. Excesses of both of these is unhealthy in different ways. I've been pushing myself to go to mee…

I (like other commenters) can understand where you coming from. There are, of course, lots of solutions if you are willing to try them.

Out of curiosity, have you tried the easy ones, like regularly inviting other folks over for a group dinner? Or joining a rec league, or a shared activity group?

The latter is nice, as it's a weekly forcing function.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#107

Post by Felger »

DueDilligence wrote: post #59

.. advocate of the solitary human here. we do not need to change anything. period.

Yorokobe shonen, no one really cares and public health policies won't establish next week (or year or decade) some sort of mandatory social club activity with cops ringing at your door to make you go. You can stay alone in peace.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#108

Post by psychomugs »

mym1990 wrote: post #100
daemoens wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The issue is that people are not willingly alone, not that they aren't comfortable being alone.

You would be surprised how many people can't stand to be in their own thoughts.

Most people that I know beyond a certain friendship threshold have told me similar. And with how noisy every space is, from the public gas stations with screens to the private smartphone apps brimming with ads, we're getting more and more out of practice with being with ourselves.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#109

Post by nemothekid »

guicho271828 wrote: post #54

What I (non-US) observed: non-U.S. people when talking about their own medical issues: I have this medical issue, I wonder if I should see a doctor, the cause may be this. U.S. people when talking about their own medical issues: I had this medical issue, I saw a doctor, and the cause was this. non-U.S. people when talking about their own divorce: I am thinking about divorcing my wife/husband. U.S. people when talking…

>U.S. people when talking about their own medical issues: I had this medical issue, I saw a doctor, and the cause was this.

I would put more US people in the former camp; especially when you consider that a trip to the doctor can become a surprise bill of the thousands for many.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#110

Post by EE84M3i »

chris_va wrote: post #106
EE84M3i wrote: post #92

I live in a big city, but I'm terribly lonely. - I live alone. - I work hybrid, but when I go into the office, it's more or less empty and I spend all my time on zoom calls. - My family lives far away. - I'm single. Most weeks, my only social interaction is at the local bar, where I'm a regular, or various dates from apps. Excesses of both of these is unhealthy in different ways. I've been pushing myself to go to mee…

I (like other commenters) can understand where you coming from. There are, of course, lots of solutions if you are willing to try them. Out of curiosity, have you tried the easy ones, like regularly inviting other folks over for a group dinner? Or joining a rec league, or a shared activity group? The latter is nice, as it's a weekly forcing function.

>have you tried the easy ones, like regularly inviting other folks over for a group dinner?

Frankly, this made me laugh out loud.

1. Who am I going to invite? It's not like I have old connections to rekindle.

2. I have a tiny apartment and couldn't exactly host many guests. My table could theoretically sit four if I rearranged some things (the max it's ever had is 2)

3. Considering I'm not exactly a socialite now (It's been a while since I went to a dinner party or anything), I have absolutely zero confidence in hosting one myself.

So, maybe this is all in my head, but it doesn't seem easy to me at all.

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